How long before she starts to stop talking about it?

[Neddy]

I asked for me original thread about my issues to be removed, but hopefully those who contributed and know the story will contribute to this thread too.

For those who don't, I've been speaking to someone I shouldn't of been speaking to, and I've had coffee with that person a couple of times, I've kept it from my wife and now she's found out. Nothing was going on between me and that person, and I never wanted anything to go on either.

It's been almost two weeks now since she found out about the whole thing, and when we're together it's all she wants to talk about, literally all the time. I understand that we'll be talking about it almost every day at some point for a while, but is it normal for us at this time to still be going over it this much? It's taking over any time we have together to the point that I'm pretty sure neither of us enjoy being with each other. I sometimes try and keep out of the room for a while, because I know when I walk into the room the conversation will start again.

We're supposed to be going for a meal at the weekend, but I'm not sure I want to go as I know we're just going to talk about what I did.

[michelle23]

Shes trying to process it. Trying to figure out the full story to make sure there isnt any hidden lies in there. She wont stop until she is 100% satisfied with your answers and starts to trust you again. You said she wants to speak to this person, let her. Let her do whatever she needs to

[searock]

Have you introduced her to your ex yet?

[Neddy]

She hasn't mentioned any more abou meeting her.

The way she wants to do it is for me to arrange to meet the ex (so the ex doesn't know my wife will be there), which I think is wrong. I don't think the ex would agree to meet the wife anyway.

I don't have a problem with them meeting up, my concern is that my wife can sometimes say nasty things, and I can see her bringing the other lass to tears and will say some really hurtful things. My ex is a pretty big girl, and not very bonny, so I have no doubt that my wife will tell her that a mess like her didn't stand a chance with me. It's that situation I just don't think I can deal with. Other than telling me that she loves me, the ex hasn't done anything wrong, but in the same breath neither has my wife.

From my point of view there's no hidden lies, but the finer details of what exactly we talked about I don't know, so it's those details she wants to know. If we talked about the past, what exactly did we talk about, did we talk about my wife, what did we say. Did I ever tell the ex that me and the wife had fell-out (i.e. did I go running to her).

[searock]

I don't think the ex would agree to meet the wife anyway.

Why not? If your relationship really is an innocent friendship (and not an emotional affair), why wouldn't she want to meet your wife?

it's those details she wants to know. If we talked about the past, what exactly did we talk about, did we talk about my wife, what did we say. Did I ever tell the ex that me and the wife had fell-out (i.e. did I go running to her).

And she will not be able to get over this issue until she knows those details. She needs to process and in order to do that, she needs to know everything that there is to know.

[smackie9]

What has happened is that you did this behind her back and from what you have told her she isn't believing it. The rule is, if you keep it a secret that means you shouldn't be doing it. I doubt you have shown any real remorse for what you did with your sweep it under the rug and forget about it attitude has her suspicious. IMO I don't think you are being all that honest with us either.

[skeeziix]

You lied and now you must face your punishment, acting like it is a burden on you shows you don't really care. Why would you do this anyways? It is a very selfish thing to do. Wouldn't you wan to know the whole story every minute detail if you wife met up with one of her ex's? You should probably suggest counseling that is the only logical thing that is going to probably save your marriage. It will open communication and I find that it helps be more honest and actually put the issues on the table to be looked at.

[michelle23]

If you have something to hide neddy-you should just man up and admit it. Its not fair to lie to her. She deserves better than that. If your really not hiding anything-then you should have no prob introducing the two of them as friends. And stop being a wuss. tell your wife to be nice. You make her sound like a spoilt child. She is a grown woman so tell her to act like one

[Valixy]

I know two couples, one married, one long term, that had problems because the men had maintained contact with their ex-es. In both cases the girls phoned up the ex-es and asked for explanations and were a bit rude when they did that.

One of the ex-es understood what was happening and maintained calm and polite and told the wife that she had nothing to worry about and saved them a marriage crises. He secretly phoned her from a public phone a few days later and thanked her for that. Truth is this girl had zero interest in him and she had actually been making an effort to speak with him when he used to call a couple of times a year to have a friendly pointless conversation. This shows that an ex doesn't always represent a danger but of course the current partner can never know.

In the other case, when the girlfriend was rude on the phone, the ex became rude too. They ended up arguing and this only made things worse for this couple.

Both couples still had problems for a while but they succeeded to put them behind and stayed together and the men finally understood how much this kind of contact with an ex can hurt their partner and their relationship.

[Neddy]

I've certainly got nothing to hide.

I've had a re-read through the facebook messages today and since I've read them I'm actually annoyed that my wife is making such a big deal of them, it's clear there's nothing going on and it's clear nothing went on (in my opinion).

I'm taking responsibility for telling lies and keeping it all from her, but she's taking it too far. I understand her being upset about the lies, but the contents of the messages leave me perfectly in the clear regarding anything else.

I'm happy to PM people the messages if people want to drop me a PM, I don't want to post them on here. Then maybe someone else can tell me if she's reading too much into them?

[searock]

It doesn't matter what was in the messages, your wife is upset because you LIED TO HER for 7 YEARS... the fact that you don't understand this is very bad news for your marriage. Have her meet your ex, have her ask your ex all the questions she needs to ask and have her tell your ex all the things she needs to say. SHE is your wife, the other woman is just an old friend for whom you have no strong feelings... it should be a no brainer whose side you should be on.

[TablesandChairs]

She's over-reacting. She's a mother for God's sake, she needs to grow up and focus on more important things. Okay, you lied. That's bad. You've shown her the messages - there was nothing incriminating. You've apologized, gone to counselling and shown remorse. Now, offer her this:

Start up a new conversation with the ex via Facebook. Tell your ex the truth - that your wife has found out about your chats etc and that she's mad. Let the conversation flow. Eventually your ex might say 'Oh she's being silly, nothing happened' or something to that effect. Show your wife. You could ASK the ex if she would be willing to have a conversation with your wife as to clear the air, but it's up to her; she's not obliged to talk to her and even less so if your wife will end up calling her names.

Other than that...keep putting up with it I guess. Nothing else you can do.