Hearts Broken - Long... :(

[Tone]

Yeah, the mind is very very powerful.

[whaywardj]

Aww, I'm still very fond of you, ya know!

Oh, yeah? Whatta ya wanna do about that?

[shh!]

Eww!! There's that creepy smiley again!

[whaywardj]

Yeah. Think I'll back off on that one awhile. Don't want to get TOO associated with it. (Or is it ::gasp:: already too late!?)

[Asip4u]

Yeah. Think I'll back off on that one awhile. Don't want to get TOO associated with it. (Or is it ::gasp:: already too late!?)

Maybe just a bit, although it goes nicely with those pickup lines whaywardj

[whaywardj]

Eek!

(10 warts)

[Tommy]

MY THREAD!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LoL

[Asip4u]

Don't worry Tommy, we're having a party on here...it's for you of course...how are things going now with her?

[Tone]

LoL Tommy don't mind us, update us when ya got it, believe me I'm watchin for it (:

[inkeepingsecret]

I just read all 5 pages of this thread. Whewwwww

TOMMY-
I dont want to sound like mr. negativity, but I think she is already interested in someone else. I read, and read about how there is still a chance, and she needs to come too. But the thing is, she probably wont. This optimism is only going to prolong the pain.

She told you what she told you for a reason. Think about it. Dont you think she thought about it long and hard before she broke up with you? I mean it was a conscience decision. I remember what arty said on the first page, and i think thats what going on.

Listen, I was in pretty much the same kind of situation as you. GF was 19, i was 21. She said she needed a break, That she wasnt interested in anyone else, that in time, we would get back together.

The truth was, she was already moving on. She cried when she saw me because she did care about me, but not nearly the same as before. SHe said "I love you back" The whole 9. I held on to the hope that NC would make her love me again.

She insisted that the "break" wasnt about meeting other people, but the following weekend i found out she hooked up with someone else. Again, told me it was nothing. Kept in contact with the hope she would want me back, then NC, then contact. Finally i cut all contact for 4 months. Sent her an e-mail to say hey, and thats all. Turns out shes happily "in love" with the guy she hooked up that night. Ironic, eh?

And i know what its like to analyze every single word she says. Do you think she is doing the same thing, no! She wants to move on, without you.

Again, im sorry for being harsh, but it seems like people are selling you on the idea that everything will be fine. Where the odds are that they wont. SOrry for boring you with my story, but i think it will help you to put things in perspective.

[whaywardj]

Good reminder, Inkeeping. Now I'VE read all five pages and have a cent or two to put in.

First, Tommy, the hardest part of letting a person go is letting go of the hope you won't have to. You need to be okay with letting that hope go. NOT that you forget about ever getting back together, or stop having fond wishes for it, or fantasies over it. But to let go of the consuming NEED the hoping for it produces. I believe you truly love this woman and are capable of cutting her loose from any responsibility she might feel for your hurt over things not going as expected. Which, of course, you must do if you're going to give her space. Don't release her from responsibility for your feelings with words, but with your behavior.

Second, you mention religion only once. Yet, her LDS upbringing could be a HUGE factor working on her. Not to mention any family or peer pressure she may be enduring for NOT being involved with an LDS man. Regardless of how fond her family or friends may all be of you, you aren't LDS. That could be a big issue which merits some serious attention.

Third, a lot of the suggestions here have promoted game-playing. **** ALL THAT. This sounds like serious business. It is not something you want to be horsing around with, saying one thing to accomplish another; or doing this thing to indicate that; or going off on some kind of 'who-calls-first' crap shoot. That's sheer kid stuff. Knock it off. There is NOTHING you can do to control her behavior by playing manipulative communication games, or projecting one thing to her in a phone conversation while you're actually feeling another. Nor should you even WANT to. Just state your position in a way you know she understands, as you have, ONCE. What she does with the information after that is entirely up to her. Repeating it in different words just beats her over the head with what she already knows. She calls and wants to talk but you can't deal with it, SAY it in the kindest way possible and ask her to call you back the next day, when you feel better equipped to cope with the feelings your experiencing...tell her THAT, too.

Fourth, I have a suspicion she has a little trouble understanding or accepting your lifestyle. Not needing a job or needing to have a clear 'career path' objective she can get her mind around could be very off-putting for her. You touched on it when you mentiond getting a job to indicate you're responsible. That's not the same thing as what she might be expecting/hoping to find in you. She may need something more that gives her a sense YOU have a sense of YOUR direction in the future. If she can't see you in a defined role in the future, she likely can't see how she fits in and might be spooked by that.

Finally, five, in all your posts, I saw next to nothing about you asking her what she expected of you. Do you even know what she really wants?

Summary: Let go without closing down your love for her or shutting her out; expect nothing, but offer whatever you can (mostly, only if she asks for it); arrange your life so she can comprehend who and what you might be in 5 years, 10, 20; find out if not being LDS is a barrier to marrying her (odds are, it IS); find out what she wants from you or expects of you; say what you need to, as you need to, only once, and don't play stupid head games trying to persuade an outcome or to try to psychically glean 'inside information' about what's motivating her. Then go on about your life with the door always open FOR her, but never beckoning TO her.

FWIW

[Tommy]

She knows my future - MY family is VERY well educated (moms a doctor and dad was a high government official for 20 something years and now doing some other junk).

My goal is and she knows this, is to become a pharmacist. I am finishing my pre-reqs for the pharmacy program at the U of U which I'm applying to next semester. Four more years and i'll be Doctor as well.

One thing I don't understand is, people say no contact, give her space etc etc. If I do this there is NO way I can find out what SHE wants, I don't think she even knows.

Losing hope is something I do not think i'm prepared to do, but maybe I must.

Do you not agree the signals are misleading to me? I'm confused as shit right now, my mom said to ask her out and have some fun then get to brass tax, because this constant on off communication, love you, miss you stuff is really tearing me apart emotionally.

Religion is not an issue with her family, they know I respect them and believe in god, they are NOT like hardcore active mormons. She was baptised but never practiced what so ever.

EVERYTHING I do is a constant remined of her. She got me nearly 50% of all my clothes and if she didn't she was there when I did. I am on a rollercoaster and it's killing me.

I just need to know what she wants, i'm hers if she wants me, if she doesn't then I need to move on, but with the contact and the hope the CONTACT brings it killllllssss me. I get to the point sometimes when i'm okay, but then suddenly I hear from her, hear here say I love you, miss you, bring up stuff we used to do together, and the hope comes back.

It's killing me and I don't know WTF to do.....

This saturday would be our anniversary should I see if she would like to go out? Why is this so difficult.....

[inkeepingsecret]

yes, whayward, you made some good points. I agree with you on trying to let go of the hope, and not playing games.

I think letting go of the hope was the hardest thing. Its hard to (at that time) to fathem your future without this one particular person. I dont think one could really move on unless they "let go of the hope."

Also, like whayward said, you need to sit down and talk to her ONCE. Not necassarily a ultimatum, but you need to tell her that you cant continue like this. And this is the truth. Before you can do this you have to let go of all hope, picture yourself without her, look into the future being sucessfull. I know i know, this is easier said than done, but it NEEDS to be done.

When and if you have this talk, you cant go into thinking that, "If i do/say so, and so, then she will want to get back to me"

I dont know if you think im being harsh, or whatever, but the truth is, im telling you what you need to hear.

[Tone]

Yeah Tommy it's been almost a whole month, it's time to stop playing games. Ask her to tell you her exact feelings, her expectations for you, etc. Make it clear to her if she doesn't want to be with you, then you 2 can no longer see each other, because it's too hard on you and if she doesn't want to be with you then you both need to move on. And you can't do that saying "I love you" to each other.

I agree with InKeepingSecret - to not go into this conversation with the mentality of try to persuade her back, cause honestly do you want to be with someone who deep in their heart doesn't want to be with you? Go into it looking for the truth, just speak your mind and heart, and find out where she stands. If it's not with you, then be done with her. Stop seeing her, tell her not to call and not to visit.

Best of luck dude. Let us know how it goes.

[whaywardj]

"..and dad was a high government official for 20 something years and now doing some other junk)."

LOL! I LIKE that. Government = junk.