8.5 year relationship over.... kill me... Want her back and need advice..

[texastravis]

Although I would like to type every last detail I will keep it brief. I have been with the love of my life for 8.5 years, ages 16-24. The relationship was great with exception of a small rough patch 2 years ago (she kissed another guy) as well as we became an "old married" couple. Even after the rough patch we never broke up, never went on a break, we have ALWAYS been together. She did everything for me... and all she wanted was to get married. Due to the rough patch a few years ago, I was not quite ready for marriage.. I wanted to be 100% certain she was the one. So, I asked her if we could go on a break, reconnect with our friends, have some time apart so I can get myself ready for marriage.

This was VERY hard for her, she cried a lot, blew up my phone, sent me voice memos, etc. Told me she was waiting on me, told me she wanted back together, told me she was my soul mate, told me all of these things.... Also, over this 2 month break, she would still come over on the weekend and we would be intimate. Although we were broken up, I still had her, she was still mine, I didnt see other women. The break wasnt helping me figure out the answers I was looking for because I hadnt lost her.....that is until last week. She came over and was cold to me for the first time, we didnt kiss, hug, or anything. At that instance I knew I lost her. At that instance I knew I loved her and she was the one for me. I knew that I couldnt live without her. This was the answer I was looking for, this was the resolution I wanted to come to in my mind. It actually made me happy to realize I couldnt live without her.

But it looks like I am too late....it turns out she found a guy to fill the void I left her. An old friend of hers she turned to to help her through the break up. As of 1 week ago, they started being intimate and "dating". For the past 5 days I have been on my knees, crying, begging, apologizing, making promises to her... she listens and cries but thats where it stops.... Sunday I drove her around to all of our favorite memory spots and afterwards I got down on one knee and asked her to spend the rest of her life with me... she said she couldnt.

She still says she loves me, she will even sends me a text saying she loves me but yet, her free time is spent with the deuch she is seeing... and not with me. I have now taken the approach of not begging and suffocating her, but just staying silent. Trying to make her feel the fear/pain of losing me like I felt so her mind would be clear like mine. The only problem is she already felt that pain through this "break" and has gotten past it somehow. I hold little hope that she will come back to me. But my heart is so broke I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant function. I am lost. I hate to play the "ignore her" or "make her jealous" game but I feel those are the only options I have left. I need her back.

I have no idea what to gain from putting this on the internet. I just needed to type it out and maybe get some feedback. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.

[michelle23]

the only way you could potentially get her back is if you ignore her, let her go and dont contact her at all for 3 months. let her have her rebound with her new guy, she can get it out of her system and soon she will realize how much she misses and loves you (hopefully). That is the only way-she has to realize on her own that she wants you without you putting any pressure on her. And if you stop giving her all this attention and give her some time to miss you-she may come back to you sooner than you think.

Go no contact, 3 month is not that long. I know its hard but you will push her further away the more you beg. Its the most unattractive thing you can do. Give her time and space.

If she comes back to-dont welcome her straight away with open arms. First work through your issues properly, communicate and promise each other that you wont hold all this against each other so you can move forward together and agree its a fresh start. Everything that happened in the past is water under the bridge and this time will be different. That is the only way it will work. You will both have to put in 100%.

Best of luck

[texastravis]

Thank you very much for the reply. Ignoring will be VERY hard. I understand the concept also BUT, wont directly ignoring her texts/calls make her think I am being an ass? Or perhaps wasnt serious about wanting her back? Also 3 months seems rough, I have read somewhere 1 month. I have started to at least play the "jealousy" card a bit by making happy FB posts, appearing to at least attempt to move on, and being short with answering her texts as well as being really vague about what I am doing. I can tell it frustrates her when I dont text her. I was also going to try and get some girls post some stuff on my FB like "Call me havnt heard from you in awhile" and things like that to see if I can stir something in her. I dont want to try any kind of serious jealously like date someone else, I think that would drive her further away.

the only way you could potentially get her back is if you ignore her, let her go and dont contact her at all for 3 months. let her have her rebound with her new guy, she can get it out of her system and soon she will realize how much she misses and loves you (hopefully). That is the only way-she has to realize on her own that she wants you without you putting any pressure on her. And if you stop giving her all this attention and give her some time to miss you-she may come back to you sooner than you think.

Go no contact, 3 month is not that long. I know its hard but you will push her further away the more you beg. Its the most unattractive thing you can do. Give her time and space.

If she comes back to-dont welcome her straight away with open arms. First work through your issues properly, communicate and promise each other that you wont hold all this against each other so you can move forward together and agree its a fresh start. Everything that happened in the past is water under the bridge and this time will be different. That is the only way it will work. You will both have to put in 100%.

Best of luck

[texastravis]

Also, one of my women friends keeps telling me that "NO CONTACT/IGNORING HER" could be really bad especially in long term goal. She thinks that since I was somewhat cold to my ex, did the breaking up, that now I need to show her how serious I am about this by fighting for her. When does "fighting for her" become counter productive? Sigh, just so confused on the best strategy...

[michelle23]

those are the words of an insecure woman. you should never have to "fight" for her. its all or nothing and you need to tell her that.

say "i love you, want you back but if we cannot be together, then we cannot have any contact, i need space so stop contacring me, you know where i am if you change your mind about us. i dont want a part of you or leftover crumbs-i want all of you and if i cant have that its goodbye. dont contact me unless you want to talk about getting back together"

and then ignore her if she contacts you for any other reason. you cannot be fairer than that and it will make her reslect you 100times more

[michelle23]

also dont get girls to post on your page. that could backfire. girls gossip a lot and shell prob find out it was all your idea. if you really wana do that-ask one of your male friends to get one girl to do that and tell him not to mention to anyone that you asked him to do it. and dont get her to say something stupid like "call me" i doubt any girl would publicy post that on FB in public. just ask her to like one or two of your pics and say "really nice shirt" or something and she could also like all your statuses and maybe put a smiley face under one of them. that looks less obvious

[HeartIsAching]

the only way you could potentially get her back is if you ignore her, let her go and dont contact her at all for 3 months. let her have her rebound with her new guy, she can get it out of her system and soon she will realize how much she misses and loves you (hopefully). That is the only way-she has to realize on her own that she wants you without you putting any pressure on her. And if you stop giving her all this attention and give her some time to miss you-she may come back to you sooner than you think.

Go no contact, 3 month is not that long. I know its hard but you will push her further away the more you beg. Its the most unattractive thing you can do. Give her time and space.

If she comes back to-dont welcome her straight away with open arms. First work through your issues properly, communicate and promise each other that you wont hold all this against each other so you can move forward together and agree its a fresh start. Everything that happened in the past is water under the bridge and this time will be different. That is the only way it will work. You will both have to put in 100%.

Best of luck

Yeah, that's right... the way to win is to answer her games with more games. I just rolled my eyes so hard I saw my brain.

Dude... she's gone. Accept that fact and you'll move past it more quickly. Some things to think about that might make this easier to do:

1. She kissed another guy. This is not just a huge red flag, it's cheating. Not "he did her in the ass" cheating, but an emotional and physical connection with someone when she was allegedly committed to you.

2. She's a manipulative game-player. Blowing up your phone wasn't because it was "hard for her", it was because she was trying to force you into an action that she wanted. She was trying to make you do what she wanted. Oh yeah, and while she was doing that, she was ****ing some other guy... and still coming over to your house and ****ing you... and hiding that fact from you. Ick. Get tested.

3. You were guilty of game-playing as well. Guess what? Games rarely net us what we want. You were still getting your fun playtime with her, But didn't have to deal with the level of commitment she wanted, so you were more or less happy with the status quo until you lost that. Remember that in the future - don't play passive-aggressive manipulative games, just honestly communicate what you want.

4. She wasn't the love of your life. That's hard to hear, but it's the truth. If she were, you'd be together. The love of your life (the real one) is still out there somewhere. You'll meet her and someday realize "damn! THIS is what it was supposed to be like!" Truth.

Good luck.

[4 ratties]

Your dating a 16 year old and your 24?? Eww!!! When you were 16, she was 8??? Ewwwwww!!! Pedaphile I wish u were in jail

[texastravis]

Your dating a 16 year old and your 24?? Eww!!! When you were 16, she was 8??? Ewwwwww!!! Pedaphile I wish u were in jail

We are the same age.... in a relationship from age 16 to 24...