Me with my fiancée is having big problems including trust/privacy issues also in LDR

[OneBigMistake]

Generally I would like to think we (me [28 Male] and her [27 Female]) have a pretty good and happy relationship this past 5 years. We have our ups and down but I would like to think that is normal in any relationship, most of the time we're both happy.


Here's the background. I proposed to her last year on our fifth anniversary, and ever since we've been planning and preparing for our wedding which we scheduled at the end of this year which would take place at our Home country. Also I'm an IT / Techie guy who likes to modify/create his own stuff, this would be related later.


We're both foreign workers here in Europe. She quit her job so she could go back to our home country and prepare for our wedding there and to talk to her parents about our plans. She went back home last April, I can't go with her cause of my work I have limited amount of vacation time which I would like to use in our wedding and honeymoon.


We both talked to our respective parents, her parents didn't take it well because of religion. They would only accept a man of the same faith as they are or its better she didn't get married at all in her lifetime. She was told that if she continued with this she would get disowned, there were a couple of fights and a lot of shouting from her parents. We expected this already and have talked about it countless times. I know this is hard on her and I wish I was there to support and comfort her. She got her own place so she won't have to stay with her parents house. She took a job as well so she would have some income to pay for her expenses, I told her she doesn't have to work and offered to support her while she prepares our wedding but she won't accept any money from me until we get married.


We were handling it well for a month or so, initially she was having a hard time adjusting to her new place and to her new work. I told her she doesn't have to do any wedding related stuff until she is fully adjusted in her new environment. And I adjusted my time so I would be available when she's awake and when she needs to talk to me. In the last 3 - 4 weeks our communication started to be less frequent. Previously we would talk daily, she would tell me things about her day, her work, she would tell me in advance if she would go out with her old friends or her new friends from work, etc. But on the last 3 - 4 weeks, our talk become less and less, when she gets home she would just tell me she is tired and she would like to sleep and our talk would stop there, and when she went out with her new friends from work I would know about it a day or two later. She has more new guy friends from work than ladies. Generally I have no problem with it, as long as I know about it I am okay with it. Since she's new to her place she seldom cooks food, and would regularly eat out with her new work friends either some of the guys or with the ladies. This happens pretty regularly for breakfast before going to work and before going home.


On the last two weeks, she completely stops telling me about when she goes out with friends or not, if I don't ask her she would not tell me. I got this feeling that maybe there is something going on here now, why is she being distant and most of the time I could feel that its like a hassle for her to even talk to me. I asked her if there is something wrong, if there is something I could do to help. She just told me she is tired and stressed from work. We moved from talking daily to talking to certain days and time only.


One night it was our scheduled time to talk, but she was not online and not she's not answering my calls. I got worried maybe something happened on her way back home. She lives near her workplace its a 15mins brisk walk or a 30mins leisure walk. It's 3 hours past the time she's normally home and I still can't get hold of her. So I searched online if there is a way I could track her phone, I found out about "Find My iPhone" that same night. This is the first time I am using this app, but I regularly used iPhone GPS when I drive and its been accurate for me all the time. I know her Apple ID account and the password she's using.. Just to put it out there **we have an open book policy** where we know each other accounts username and password for everything we use online. I can honestly tell you I haven't open any of her accounts without her knowing before hand and the only time I opened it was because she asked me too to show me something, until that night that is. "Find my iPhone" app was able to locate her iPhone, it showed that her iPhone was in a bar far from here own place. From my experience with the iPhone GPS and first time using this app I readily believe this was accurate. I tried calling her a couple more times that night but there was no answer still. I gave up and tried to sleep but I couldn't, a couple of hours just laying in bed she called me saying that she went home was so tired and immediate fall sleep. I didn't tell her about me tracking her, but I checked again on the "Find my iPhone" app and its showing that her iPhone is in a different location but not in a bar this time, I asked her to take a picture for me showing her with some background of her room and she did and yes she is indeed at home even when the "Find my iPhone" is showing here in a different location. I think she suspected that I am tracking her but she didn't say anything.


2 days after the "Find my iPhone" incident she told me out of the blue that she is not sure anymore about marrying me and she don't know why. She told me this before she gets to work and since its nearly time for her work she had to cut it short. I didn't hear back from her for 4 days, she's not answering my calls, no reply on emails/sms/anything.


I was confused, afraid, and angry at the same time with some other negative emotions mixed in.. I keep asking her for an answer but no reply at all. At this time I was desperate to know what is happening, even if the answer is bad I would take it as long as there is an answer to why this is happening.. I opened and checked ALL her online accounts from Facebook, Gmail, YouTube, Twitter, Apple account (which contains her synced iPhone Address book) and even her Google Web Search history. I opened it to search for answers to why this is happening. I didn't find much really but there was a search on her Facebook about this certain guy, I remembered that she mentioned him as one of her new friends from work before. Why this stand out is she didn't add any of her new friends from her new work and she didn't do any search for them either except for this certain guy. After I got this guys name I checked her Apple account and there it was a contact profile of this guy on her address book, and her other new friends from work (aside from one lady that she hangouts with regularly) is not on her address book at all. That is all that I found out and a Google search on certain hotel rates near her work place.


After 4 days of no contact she called me and she told she's really sorry this is happening to us. She told me her parents have been calling her and laying a guilt trip on her to try to stop our plans. They change their tactics from using force to using guilt. She also told me she's not that excited anymore with the wedding and she don't know why. She's confuse but she's willing to work it out. I decided to not tell her what I found out about the guy and just bury it and forget about it. I decided to focus on our relationship and make it work. It was going well for 3 days we're like back to our normal self. I should have stopped looking at her facebook account at that time but at the back of my mind there is a small doubt. On the 3rd day I logged into her facebook account and I saw that she searched for this guy again. I confronted her about it and told her about the hotel searches too. She told me that she was only searching for the guys profile account to get some of their group pics from work, they recently had an office event and she was looking for pics this guy took. And as for the hotels, she was searching it for us. The condo we bought won't be ready on our wedding day, and the place she's staying out now doesn't allow another person to stay with her, and my own place is very far from her work, that is why she is checking if we could afford to just stay in a hotel until the condo is ready.


She is understandably angry that I invaded her privacy like that. That I even looked at her Google web search history, address book, and I even tracked her via GPS. She felt betrayed and that I violated her privacy. She's afraid of what I could do, she doesn't feel safe anymore. I told her I've only done it once this whole 5 years we're together and that is when she was not answering me for 4 days after saying something heartbreaking, I was confused as hell as well and I don't know what's happening between us at that time. I was mad, confused, and not thinking straight..


I know what I did is wrong, I tried apologizing to her for 4 days now but with no real progress. We're only talking via SMS now, she's not even answering her phone anymore and sometimes she's turning it off. The last time we talked in SMS (which was last night) she told she would accept my apology but she's not sure if we could go back to before. And she's scared of me, that I hacked her (She knows I am really good with computers, I could get password off encrypted files. Most of my work are done online I regularly do security checks on different type of servers so she knows I know how to bypass security. I'm not that good but I know enough. So this is fueling her paranoia of me. She already changed all her passwords btw.) She also called me a stalker I asked her if she would like to break of the engagement, she told me she's not sure yet. She can't see any type of future right now, she can't even see 1 week ahead of today.


I know I messed up big time. I don't want to lose her. What can I do to get her back? What can I do to fix this relationship? I don't know what to do anymore.. Can't even function well at work. Too stressed and exhausted for weeks now. Please help.


**TL;DR** Proposed to my 5 year GF, she accepts and went back home to our home country to prepare for our wedding, her parents does not agree of our union because of religion. I ****ed up big time by violating her privacy online due to lack of communication. Can't think straight anymore, need help on how I could possibly fix this.

[Paul07]

If your fiancée proves to be unreliable when she is supposed to prepare your wedding, could she be trusted to be married to? I am not buying that her attitude changed because her parents were making her feel guilty. This could have an effect, yes, but not as much as to start spending so much time and nights going out with the new work colleagues. How would she have felt if you had started to behave like that when she went away to prepare your wedding? This just wasn't right and you checking on her online activity wasn't worse in any way, no matter how much guilt she's trying to place on you. She was ignoring you, refused to talk to you openly about what was happening and lied to you, so she broke your trust first, she made the first big mistake and everything else that happened was a consequence of that. Also you were not being paranoid because a few days later after that night you mentioned, when she even sent you pictures of her room without actually being there, she was suddenly 'unsure' about her feelings. Yep, when your instinct tells you that something is wrong with your significant other, 99% of the times that proves to be right unfortunately. I don't think she cheated on you but she was feeling less and less attracted by the idea of getting married and distanced herself emotionally. Maybe you should try to maintain the contact with her for a while and even go there for a few days and try to solve things in person. If she's not capable of going back to her old self and have the same kind of communication and relationship as before, I suggest you to stop any contact with her and let her live her new life. She might realise then that she was wrong, miss what you had together and look for you. If that doesn't happen in a while, she simply isn't worth your time anymore.

[michelle23]

Sorry but my guess is she is having an emotional affair with one of those colleagues or at the very least-has a crush on someone else. Its a good thing this happened now before your married instead of after. My advice is to let her go-stop contacting her. If you and she are meant to be-she will come back to you and you can decide then whether to forgive her or not for putting your through this.

Dont allow her to make you feel bad for checking up on her. Most people would do the same in your shoes-I know I probably would and if she gets angry or defensive about it-its usually a sign of guilt. Plus the fact that she no longer feels safe or trusts you because of that screams alarm bells to me. Shes turning the blame on you, making you apologize to shift the focus off of her. Its a manipulation tactic. Dont fall for it.

Say "ya ya you would have done the same in my shoes, I was worried about you-thats not the biggest issue here though-now answer my questions"!

[basilandthyme]

I'm not buying it. I use GPS tracking to make sure my disabled son is safe, and as part of the process, I tested it on the rest of my family with their permission. It really isn't accurate enough to show them at a particular bar. My daughter goes to a high school by the water and if I trusted GPS, I'd think she'd stolen a boat and was on the water instead of school. It showed my hubby in the proximity of a bar near his work recently but he was actually at work (I know this because I rang his work phone to leave a message but he surprised me by answering the phone)

If you can't get the answers you need with conversation, then end things. But installing secret tracking is just unforgivable. If a boyfriend tracked me like you did, he'd be dumped without another chance.

Sorry. You've blown it.

[michelle23]

but surely if you were missing for 4 days in another country, you would understand b&t? What he did was stupid-theres no doubt about that BUT she shouldnt have left him stuck in limbo scratching his head not having a clue where he stands.

[Am I crazy?]

there really is no way to determine if its another dude or her parents messing with her head. I think your best bet would be to travel to where she is and spend a weekend or some time with her where the two of you can sort this out face to face. Just because somebody is out with friends of both sexes does not mean they are being unfaithful, but it could mean that if they felt stifled for the past 5 years and that they are now enjoying their new found freedom and it is giving them second thoughts about getting married. In cases like these so many people are so quick to assume there is another dude, and maybe there is?, but unless she admits it or you have proof, making accusations that you cant back up are only going to fuel the climate of distrust that you have already started creating.

parents and religion combined can cause big problems in a relationship. A dude will always lose when competing with parents in the long run. I'm surprised that this is now just coming up after you already being in her life for years. This may be an issue, but not the biggest issue and she may just be telling you its her parents because she does not want to tell you the truth. Again, I have no idea what she has been up to and apparently neither do you, but for you the best thing you can do is work with what you know are the facts of the situation and try to go see her to work this out face to face. Hope that helps.

[michelle23]

when people do a complete 180 like this-things change over night with no warning signs-it usually does mean there is someone else involved-not necessarily that they are physically cheating though but yes I agree that you should go to see her so you can talk properly.

If she has been avoiding talking to you though pretty much since she moved home even though she is supposed to be planning your wedding-I would imagine its already over but best of luck.

[Am I crazy?]

Michelle23,

We almost agree on something, LOL. Lets try to keep it that way today. I call a truce for the weekend. Have a great day!

[michelle23]

you too

[Am I crazy?]

Michelle23,

Oh, and one last thing. I thought it would have been pretty classless to send my condolences to you in the middle of us driving each other nuts so I just wanted to take a minute now and tell you that I was sorry to hear about your loss. I obviously have never met you or your granddad but I do know how it feels to experience the loss of a loved one so I just wanted to say that despite our differences I have said a quick prayer that I hope you will accept regardless of what religion you practice (or not) that you find peace and comfort and that your grief passes quickly.

Again, have a great weekend. we can get back to arguing on Monday, lol!

[michelle23]

Thanks thats really kind of you. I appreciate it

[4 ratties]

Aside from everything else, I find a huge problem with the fact that she didnt contact you for four dayS! I would be freaking out! And I would feel like the betrayed one being ignored like that. This girl isn't working 24 hours a day, there is always a time to talk. This girl is having huge second thoughts and avoiding you. She's just using the whole "stalking " thing as another reason to push you away. If things don't improve I don't even know why you waste your time with her. 5 years is a long time to throw away but she is really pulling away and I don't know if she'll ever come back like how she was. You'll just have to wait and see.

[VincenzoG91]

A long engagement plus long distance probably undermined the relationship, plus her parents were working on her to undermine it. Under those circumstances, I don't think that this was going to ever work out for you. The surveillance stuff was a mistake, but I don't think it matters much in this situation because the relationship was already just about over.

If I were you, I would stop contacting her. Maybe go full no-contact and ignore her attempts to contact you, too. Give her time to miss you, and give yourself time to face the possibility that it's over. Then, in a couple of months, maybe talk to her and see if there is interest in starting over. Either way, the long distance is the biggest problem, so one of you would need to move if there is any chance of saving the relationship.