Looking for advice

[mntkagirl]

I am in a rough place with my relationship, and I am not sure what to do at this point. Looking for some input on the situation. I will do my best to explain.

I have been living with my BF for the last 1.5 years. We are both 45 yrs old with successful careers. Our children are on their own so it is just me and him.

I would like to start from the beginning of my situation to give a little better insight as to why I am so confused.

I met this man back in 2007, he was one of my customers. I am a outside sales rep. He was in the process of finalizing a divorce after 13 years and I was also at the end of mine after 7 years. We started to do things together, but I always kept it friends only. I was not ready for a relationship. I felt it was better to put some time between divorces and dating each other as I did not want to be a rebound. So for years we did things off and on, he would always ask me to go on weekend adventures but I would not go or do any over night activities. I never wanted to lead him on that there was more than I was ready for. It took me a few years before I was ready to date again.
Over the years he was very persistant in his chase for me. He was always there for me as a friend and would bring me flowers and gifts, calling and texting "Why aren't you by my side" putting me on the phone with all his friends when he was out. People would tell me, " That man really has strong feelings for you, Give the guy a chance". You see, at first I could see myself with him, but through the years of the chase and his tried and true friendship I started to realize I began having feelings for him, we would spend hours on the phone just talking about nothing. This is really an amazing man, who is someone who will always be there for you and love you unconditionally. So in 2011 we starting spending more and more time together and became a couple.
For the last year and a half we have lived together, I moved in with him. Up until around April everything was amazing, we got along so well and we were happy,happy. There was one grey area for me and that was sex, he has little or no interest in sex but is very affectionate. He has said that sex is not important to him. This was from the begining for us. For me it did pose a problem but because everything else was so amazing I was able to overcome this because I was happy in every other aspect of our relationship and my life with him.
All the sudden in April 2013 he started becoming very edgy in attitude, short with me making snippy comments, and rejecting me in the bedroom , as if that were not already a problem. He was to leave out of town for 4 days and I tried to talk to him and ask what was going on. He said he was stressed out but it was nothing I did and not to worry. I still felt un easy when he left like he was not being honest with me about his cold behaviors towards me. So he went out of town, not a call or text the whole time. I was at my daughters and he text me when he was home from out of town, I told him I was not happy he never called the whole time he was gone, he snapped on me and said we talk everyday and he is gone for 3-4 days now he is cheating. So I decided it was best to just stay at my daughters that night as he was obviously crabby and I did not want to fight with him. The next day, We had our first real fight. I was the bad guy for not coming home. I found myself apologizing to him and taking the blame for our recent problems. He never said he was sorry or showed a bit of remorse, just blamed me for everything. He told his daughter he was about done putting up with me in a text a couple days later. Keep in mind we had not had ANY issues prior to this. Since then it has just been awefull. Not that we are fighting but just a tremendous amount of distance. I have tried to be just upbeat and positive and stroke his ego to just get us back on track and he is somewhat receptive.
So last Sunday is what brings me here, We were out having a good day and the last couple weeks we had been doing really good and connecting again. So we were in a public place and had a couple beers and a burger with some friends (his) and we were talking about a sensitive subject. I was asked by him my opinion, I declined, he said no, go ahead just say it so I did, all the sudden he exploded and started breaking shit, punching walls and screaming. I ran as fast as I could. I did not go home with him to say the least. I have not been home or talked to him since. He has not even tried to contact me. He did text me saying Shame on you and told me I was playing a dangerous game. OUCH!! WOW!!! SHOCKER!!

I am just beside myself, I don't get it!!! I am so lost and confused. How does one go from being madly in love chasing someone for years telling everyone just a few months ago he was going to marry me, I was his dream girl and the best thing that has ever happened to him to this?

I know some will say run he is crazy, I can assure you he is not he is a well known person with strong friendships and a good reputation, some of the people who know us are just as in shock as me and they have known him for 30+ years. This has left many speechless. Especially me.

Thank You for reading my story and any advice or input.

[Valixy]

There are many people that are great professionals and make wonderful friends but they are awful partners. He seems to have some anger problems and who knows what else and while he keeps this in control with many people, he exteriorizes it at home with his partner. He scared you and threatened you. Leave and don't look back or you might see him becoming physical abusive next time. I think that your intuition was telling you something about this guy all those years when you couldn't see yourself with him and it was right.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, your post reminded me of something that happened to a friend of mine a few years ago.

I was at her house (which she shared with her partner) helping her with something. Her partner was there, pottering about, chatting, being as nice and funny as usual. He was doing something in the kitchen and accidentally cut himself; nothing major but we heard an "ow!" so she went to see what had happened. Anyway - within seconds, he exploded. Punched the kitchen bench to the point that it cracked. Kicked in the door. Shouted obscenities. Then picked up his keys and left. We just stood there...frightened/shocked...not sure. My friend admitted he had done something similar twice before in their 5 year relationship and she really didn't understand what to make of it. They broke up for an unrelated reason about a year later and to this day she insists that while he was a great guy most of the time, there was just something 'wrong' with him. I for one never thought he was even capable of yelling, given the persona he depicted.

Anyway, I think the most important thing for you to do is think of your safety; the problem with volatility is that you don't know what could set him off next or how severe the outburst will be. He might have a) mental illness, b) be on drugs (even some prescription medication can lead to mood issues) or c) have a bad temper/anger problem but I think this would have been obvious to you long ago - people with bad tempers generally don't suddenly 'acquire' the anger problem.

[Valixy]

Minimizing what happened would be contraindicated. People fight for a long time if not all their lives against their 'dark side', being that a simple tendency to depression, selfishness, emotional instability, etc. or more serious issues and only the ones that get closer have the chance to know the real person. Domestic violence, physical or emotional is frequent because people are challenged to interact constantly at a very intimate level and after a while the social masks fall down and the real self is revealed. He might have lots of great qualities but as a partner you are being exposed to his anger problems too and you shouldn't put yourself in that situation again. Not to mention that his last message for you was a warning. When that comes from a 45 years old man you should take it seriously and not give him a second chance.

[michelle23]

narcissistic personality disorder hun. run for your life literally!

he mentioned the word cheating first without you saying it?? that means he IS a cheat. why would he presume your accusing him of that without you mentioning it.

get ot now. hes a cheat, a liar, blows hot and cold, abusive, makes you feel guilty when hes the one in the wrong, charming and perfect towards everyone esle but a nightmare with you plus its not even a relationship coz he wont sleep with you

get out now. youv already been through one divorce, your maturer and wiser now. dont make the same mistakes again. if you stay with him you are settling for second best

[michelle23]

ill add that it sounds like its just the trill of the chase he enjoys which is another sign of npd

or he could be gay and uses you to cover it up. either way its not looking good and i think there are much better men out there that you could have a healthy relationship with

[mntkagirl]

Thank you for the replies, all these comments are very insightful, very appreciated and also right. It was exactly my thoughts. It is just so sad and I believed and was so sure I was not making a mistake with him in choosing a new partner to be with in life, I really believed he was "The One". One would have thought 5 years was long enough to get to know someone. Never did I see this coming.

He IS a good guy and there is not a single person that would say a bad thing about him, which is one of the things that attracted me to this man.

It will not be easy to walk away as I do love this person and we do get along very well over all. One has to ask, since I have NOT seen this aggression in 6 years and he does not have a reputation of abuse. (His ex and I are friends and she is even surprised by this and she spent 20 years with him) she said he had blown up a couple times, never hurt her in over 20 yrs, but it was far and few. Could I be over reacting to the situation?
But he needs to learn you can not do these things to someone you love. This is a unacceptable, unforgivable behavior, especially from a grown man. If he truly is a good person, he will see what he has done is very wrong and do something about it. If he truly has genuine feelings for me this loss will hit him very hard and maybe wake him up. Moving forward maybe he will not make the same mistake again with someone new. I just wish he had not done this with us, I have very strong feelings for this man, I am in Love with this man, he is my best friend. This was the first in 6 years I have ever seen this, not even a clue it existed, but this is one of my deal breakers, of two. I guess I know what I need to do, I just not quite sure I can actually do it without given it one chance to never happen again. He has not done anything else to make me believe we are not working out or nearing the end. It just feels like it was game on, crazy in love to wham, its over nothing in between.
Thanks again everyone!!! Yes. please keep the comments coming. The good, the bad, the ugly.

[michelle23]

even without all the other problems-your not happy in a sexless relationship and your missing out on a lot.

i know its hard but you have to love yourself more and put you first. does he travel away from home a lot? id see that as another huge red flag if yes. he didnt contact you for 4days? if my bf ever did that to me i wouldnt be there when he got home. its takes 30seconds to make a phonecall.

i think you should cut your losses-it sounds like its been over for a long time and your in denial