Wife says she doesn't love me as a man anymore

[Andrew77]

I come here in desperate need of help and advice. First, a little bit of history about us, which I think it is very important for our situation.

I must mention that I’m 35 and my wife is 26. We met on internet, on Dc++, in 2005. She is Brazilian, and I’m Romanian. We used to talk a lot, and soon we became great friends. She used to tell me everything happened to her and I told her as well all that was going on in my life. Soon, I fell in love with her, totally and unconditioned. It took me almost 3 years to convince her to give me a chance to meet her. She was a bit of a troubled girl, she didn’t believed in love and she used to call it a ''weakness''. She also came from a troubled family, with her mom an alcoholic and her father ignoring everybody and making huge scandals. Her parents used to fight alot, and her mother used to beat her with a belt.
When I finally convinced her to meet me, at the end of 2007, she came to Romania. First, we lived some time with my mother which had a big house, until we decided to move and rent an apartment. We also married after 1 year, for her to be allowed to stay in here without problems. We were very happy together, and we felt this the first second we met, and we were a perfect match as a couple. We both liked to play games, we had no serious fights or problems, and we couldn’t get enough of each other. We never spent more than 1 day apart.

We stayed 2 years in that apartment, but in 2011 we decided to move to Brazil. She didn’t want to move back there but I dint knew that at time. I only knew she liked to live in Romania. She never told me she didn’t want to move back there. Count in here her problems with her mother and father and her worries about getting back in here.
Anyway, we moved there mainly due to money issues, which I guess made her not to tell me about her worries of moving in there. I quit my job and didn’t find a new one, and she had troubles finding a job in Romania.

We lived in Brazil for one year, time in which she started working at her mother's clinic. I didn’t had a working card so I couldn’t work, and that troubled me alot. We lived in her father's house. Her father and mother separated some time ago, but they are practically neighbors now, their houses in very close proximity. Her mother's clinic is also there, so she only had to walk like 30 meters to go to work. We always had troubles with money after leaving Romania, but that was never a big issue. We had each other and we were happy with it.

The thing started this year, when I had to go back to Romania in April. My grandmother was given a wrong diagnostic, and I thought she will die. Was a false alarm, but I had to stay there for 2 months. Time in which I talked with my wife on Skype everyday. She started to tell me she is very stressed at work, and she would cry often in there due to the amount of workload. We both missed eachother alot, and we couldn’t wait to be together again. She told me she used to feel very bad, and this was amplified by me not being there with her. I was worried about this, very worried, and I had plans of getting that Working permit faster so I would work instead of her.

In May I went back to Brazil and she was very happy to see me. We both cried at the airport and I felt so happy to be there again. We were so happy to be together again. We planned to go in a vacation soon after I went back, and my wife even made reservations in advance. She wanted to take 1 month of paid vacation for us to have some more time with eachother.
(We also had a problem with sex, she wasn’t too much into it, and I accepted that, I was happy with her and we have done random stuff that she enjoyed, but never felt like sex was too important for our marriage)

Things went bad 3 days after my arrival there. We were watching TV and she started crying. I had a bad feeling and asked her about it. Soon, she told me she doesn’t love me as a man anymore, but as a friend, and she only realized this after I went to Romania. She started to feel this a bit while in the past (in 2012 actually), but she thought it will go away, she was happy and she didn’t told me anything about it.

But this got worse once we moved to Brazil. I have to say again that I didn’t knew she doesn’t want to move to Brazil. After she told me she wants to separate, I stayed one more week in there in Brazil, trying to convince her to go to a marriage counselor, or to let me make her love me again as a man. I couldn’t convince her. I have to mention she is very stubborn, and she never wanted to talk alot about this, just that she knows there is no fix for it and separation is the only solution. She wanted us to remain friends. Also, she doesn’t talk these things with her mother or father (they don’t talk emotional stuff in her family) so we didn’t had any advices, any help from the outside.

I love my wife so much that I feel that my life will end. I cannot breath without her, I need her like I need air. And it just kills inside me to see all our plans, all our dreams going to dust. We both always said that we will grow old together, and there was nothing to change that. So, I went back to Romania with a broken heart, hurt, confused, and with a love for her that can’t be even described. I am totally unhappy here, and I can’t enjoy anything. I cringe for her every second and every second spent in here is a nightmare, away from her. I am in desperate need of some advice, as I want to get her back or at least to be given an opportunity to make her change her mind. Soon after I left she told me she misses me a bunch and she hurts alot. I feel that all those troubles with her having to work for both of use back in Brazil, with a bunch of stress getting a hold of her, of us not having money and especially not having time to spend with eachother and with her coming tired from work and not wanting to go out due to it

Now I am in Romania by a few days, and we don’t talk to eachother. She said she wants some time of hibernation and she won’t be on Facebook or Skype for sometime. I hope I will find some advice, some help in here, since I already started to get awfully depressed. I can’t sleep anymore, I wake up 10 time per night and start to think of her. I also have a hate relation with this country, which only made things worse for me. I have a thought to convince her somehow to come here at me, maybe things will change in here since she didn’t wanted to leave from here anyway.

I may have been a little chaotic in my thoughts so excuse me for that but I need so much help.

[michelle23]

ok first of all dont beg her. thats unattractive and will push her away more. have no contact with her at all, appear unavailable, offline, if she rings your phone-dont answer and wait a couple of hours before ringing her back and be aloof and distant (as if you have accepted its over). if there is any chance to save your marriage-she will realize it on her own and come running to you.

let her go-if your gonna be together again it will happenwithout you doing anything.

right now your grieving-its hard but you gotta look after yourself. give it a few months-if she doesnt try to win you back by then-you will have to accept its over and deal with the pain. time heals everything. grief can last up to 2 years but if you have to, you will get over her-pain is only temporary.

[Andrew77]

My problem is that she is very stubborn and she wont talk about it with anyone. We didn't had any help and I fear that me leaving Brazil was a mistake. Maybe I should have stayed at a hotel somewhere and give her some time to think or try more to get her to a marriage counselor. I was suggested to ask her to get some professional help, because of her family baggage. But I don't know how to do that. I will seek myself professional help, because I cant deal with this alone, it hurts too much and I'm in a serious state of shock, hurt and confusion right now. All that I know is that the love of my life left me and I need to get her back. I use calming pills and sleeping pills to get me over the nights because I cannot sleep. I cannot accept losing my wife, my future, my dreams. I just cant. I will do anything to get her back or convince her to give me a chance to make her love me again.

[michelle23]

i know its really hard but you cant force her to change her mind or to love you. you should get counselling-it will help you deal with the grief. seriously i know its hard to sit back and do nothing but thats the only way-give her time to miss you, to think straight and figure out if she is making a mistake.

it takes two people to make a marriage work and if she said no to counselling-there is nothing you can do.

she obviously has a lot of baggage and perhaps shes insecure and feels like she doesnt deserve your love or maybe she is the type to quit easily or always thinks the grass is greener. whatever the reason-those are her issues and only she can fix them.

just give it some time. i hope she does change her mind but if she does she will let you know when shes ready.

[smackie9]

Sorry to be a debbie downer but everything is pointing a marriage of convince for her. It makes sense because she would meet someone from another country to get away from her situation. With financial struggles and was back in her own country, it was something she did not bargain for so now she wants out.

My friends son is going through the same thing. He ( in his late 30's) married a girl (in her 20's) from Thailand, had a child with her, moved here to Canada, with only his income they couldn't afford to live on their own so they moved in with his mom. Things got worse because he was working out of town, then lost his job, money was tight, she wanted him to send money to her parents (it`s a custom of their`s) he said no, so she took off with the kid claiming she was a battered wife. Already she has a guy lined up In California she met on line.

I know your feeling devastated, but from an outsiders point of view you have been had.

IMO if you are truly in love, you stand by your partner through thick and thin, for better or for worse am I right? I don't buy the excuse "she is so stubborn". Things didn't work out the way she had planned, and now she wants nothing to do with you.