Never asked for advice before but what is she thinking?

[Abloke]

Hi all. I could really do with some outside opinion and help please. Like many on here, I just want to understand my girlfriend better, as I don't know if the relationship is all but dead, or if we are just very different and its ok. I have never felt the need to ask for relationship help or advice before. We have been together over 7 years, and have both had exs etc.

Some background...
I'm a 34 year old male. I am an extremely logical person (work in a technical job) and am of reasonable intelligence. I probably over analyse things. Arguments stay with me for ages. I want us to be together for ever, but still have reservations.

My girlfriend is very dependant, and relies on me for most things. I am smarter than her (sorry just trying to give accurate info on us) but is in a good job and doing Well. She is friendly and sociable, and loves the simple things likea good cuppa and getting in her pjs and chillin. She is not in any way logical thinking, and kinda goes with the flow. She never looks deeply into anything. Arguments are forgotten in literally seconds. I know she would like to get married to me, and have kids and I'm confident she genuinely has no interest in anyone else.

So the problem I would like advice on is that whenever I try to talk to her about things I'm unhappy about, it goes in one ear and out the other. I can tell her that I'm miserable, that she could make me so much happier if she just told me how she felt, or did one little thing for me, or stopped doing something little, and she just says ok, or sorry, and then goes back to whatever she was doing. Last night I said to her that i was at my wits end. I just needed to sit down with her and talk about why she cant be honest and open with me, why she can't tell me what's on her mind and she just asked what we were having for tea or something like that. Tonight I said that if we can't talk soon then I give up, and she asked if she could change the tv channel.

She just seems completely unwilling to talk to me, even when I say that the relationship may well end if she can't in the future. I genuinely believe with certainty that she wants to marry me, and be loyal and I never worry about her cheating or anything, so how can she act like this? One example was when I was really upset about a really bad week. I had never ever done this before or since, to anyone, (i never have been that upset before) but I messaged her to say I was really upset and really needed her. I just wanted to have a nice evening, nothing more than that, a big cuddle when she got in, and an evening of relaxing. When she got in she acted just like a normal night, even though when I asked her she said she had received the text. All I wanted was a hug, and perhaps to cuddle up on the sofa to a film or something.

If she ever told me she was upset with me, I'd be mortified and want to know what I had done and how I could help sort it out. As a very logical person that seems obvious to me. Again, as a logical person, her behaviour in my mind is that of someone who simply doesn't care, who knows I'm upset, and she could help, but doesn't. Being logical again, to me its the behaviour of someone who just wants a hubby, so she can have the wedding day, kids, the house and a nice life, but actually doesnt care about me. As long as i dont actually end it, it really doesnt affect her if im unhappy in the relationship. Thats my logical thinking, but i just dont want to believe it. Am I just too logical and unreasonable? Does she really not care about me and us? Am i being too demanding?

Sorry for the long story, I would just love to hear some impartial thoughts. Thanks to all who read and respond.

[michelle23]

it sounds like your far more emotional than her and affectionate. tonghtgoogle the languages of love together and do the quiz. find out what both your languages are. it may help you both understand each other better so youll both know how to make each other feel more loved.

when you say you want to talk do you mean just turn off the tv and chat to each other-quality time? or do you mean you need to talk about a specific issue and try to resolve it?

the reality here is you cant change her. she is who she is. if you feel like you are not getting something important ftom her than you need to sit down and talk properly over a cup of coffee with no radio or tv etc. tell her simply in a few words how you feel and what you want example "i feel like i am not being heard and i really would like to be listened to this time, things have to change" and then be specific about what things

[Wakeup]

... She's not understanding that she's not meeting your needs. I wonder if you are straight forward with her or do you beat around the bush? Are you expecting her to do what you would do for her (without voicing it) and when she doesn't, you're disappointed. Like: "I've had a rough day and I'd like it if you just watched a movie with me while we cuddle." or is it more like "I've had a rough day." and then you expecting her to do what you thought would be a good way for her to help you unstress?

Another book that might help the two of you is: "Getting the Love You Want" by Norville Hendrix. It's an oldy but a goody if you're both open to reading it and discussing it together.

She just seems completely unwilling to talk to me, even when I say that the relationship may well end if she can't in the future.

Change one word in that sentence and you'll be talking to her straight. Change "may" end to "will" end.

[Abloke]

Thanks for the reply. I mean talking about specific things. I have done what you suggested in the past, a number of times. I've turned everything off and talked to her. I meant to include this in my original post. She will say she understands and says things will be different, but I can guarantee that from the next morning onwards its like I've never said anything. It feels like as long as I'm not making a fuss and impacting her life by trying to talk to her, it doesn't matter I'm unhappy with the relationship. I don't want to give up so I used to try every few months, but now I know there is no point, hence one desperate last attempt to truly understand what's going on.

[Abloke]

I have been very straight with her, and do make it clear. I don't know if I'm just too gutless to end something that isn't making me happy, or if I'm just being too demanding.

If I suggested reading a book, she would say yes, but then never do it. As I said above, the day after I talk to her it's like I never have. The book would be ignored till I brought up the subject again, only for promises to be broken and it ignored again.

[Wakeup]

Then tell her WE'RE reading this book together this weekend and that if she doesn't put in the effort, you'll be leaving. She knows you're not going anywhere so she's apathetic towards your needs.

Do you spoil her, do you over-compensate in hopes she'll return the favour? How's your sex life? Is she just as apathetic in that department as she appears to be by your discription of her?

You sound so sad and frustrated. What DOES make you stay? What are some of the things that keep you continuing to change Miss Indifferent?

[Abloke]

I think you are right about her not believing I will end it. I'm not sure I believe it.

I do spoil her at birthdays and stuff, and used to do more nice things for her, but its never reciprocated. I hate that it stops me being the nice guy I like to be, as I almost feel taken advantage of. Perhaps a better way of saying it is that it always feels one way. Sex is he same. I like plenty but she's not fussed. He says she really enjoys it, but never initiates anything. She does get very tired though.

What keeps me with her? She is sociable, kind hearted, gets on with my family well, will make a great mum, she at least goes along with the things I like, like holidays, hobbies and stuff as being with me makes her happy. (She hates being apart, even for a night.)

Thanks again. Appreciate all your time.

[michelle23]

7 years is a long time. let me ask you two questions do you love her? doez she love you?

if yes, then you may just be stuck in a rut-too comfortable with each other. maybe relationship counselling would help you get back the spark, romance and affection

i wouldnt give up on a ldr without trying everything to first to fix it. the issues your having are common-a lot of couples end up forgetting how to be romantic and intimate.

do you spend more time on the couch together then anywhere else? maybe shes bored. what about dat nights, taking turns doing something special for each other and joing a sport or hobby together? and you could agree to buy the kama sutra and set a goal-100 positions in 100 days. that could be a lot of fun, help bring back some intimacy and find new things you both enjoy

if she is willing to meet you half way-then try it

[Wakeup]

(She hates being apart, even for a night.)

Then I suggest you get yourself a hobby or interest that you can do on your own. Not because she "hates it when she's alone" but because she needs to learn to miss you and not take you for granted and in the meantime, you're finding fun in doing things for yourself without her input or consideration ~ Something I think you need to start doing. Start looking after yourself more and hopefully she'll start appreciating you more.

If you don't do something then, welcome to the rest of your life. (Do start doing somethings on your own. Join a mens sports team, a golf league anything that you can have fun without her once a week.)

[4 ratties]

Is she a stoner? I would not like being with someone that didnt care for my feelings and that was constantly melancholy and chillin in their pjs

[surfhb2]

Thanks for your post

[Abloke]

She's def not a stoner lol.

The comment about having time apart is a good one. I already have plenty of hobbies and spend evenings apart often, but rarely nights apart. She never wants to do that despite me suggesting it could help. Perhaps we should do that more.

Thanks everyone. I guess we are just very different.

[basilandthyme]

She's def not a stoner lol.

The comment about having time apart is a good one. I already have plenty of hobbies and spend evenings apart often, but rarely nights apart. She never wants to do that despite me suggesting it could help. Perhaps we should do that more.

If your view for a relationship is eventual marriage (or long term defacto), nights apart isn't a solution. If spending nights apart is the cure, marriage (and every night together) won't work.

[michelle23]

I agree-small space is healthy (work, meeting friends for coffee, calling to relatives, doing a sport etc) but its not a good idea to say "maybe if we only see each other 3-4 nights a week it will get better. It wont. I know couples who have tried that. They were finished within a year.

Write a pros and cons list. All the things you love about her that your happy with and all the things you would like to change. Talk through it together and decide where you go from here. If your cons list is longer than the pros then it may be a good idea to cut your losses now

[Wakeup]

She's def not a stoner lol.

The comment about having time apart is a good one. I already have plenty of hobbies and spend evenings apart often, but rarely nights apart. She never wants to do that despite me suggesting it could help. Perhaps we should do that more.

Thanks everyone. I guess we are just very different.

This is how I see it, OP: She doesn't have any friends of her own that she too could do a woman's weekend away kind of thing with? Would she even consider something like that or is she that blah?

I have at least one weekend away in the winter and one in the summer with my gf's. There is 6 of us and we have a blast. It's nice to feel the passion of missing someone once in awhile.

Couples weekends are a must IMO... we've done those together since day one.. even after our daughter came along we continued to make "us" time a priority as often as we could.

She sounds downright boring (sorry to say). Have you outright told her as much?

Don't consider time apart a "cure" Abloke. Consider it a life apart from your shared one with your "spouse." If you didn't have outside interests then I'm thinking you'd be even more bored/disenchanted then you already are with her IMNSHO. She's not in any sense of the word, a good activity partner. Something else she needs to know (with tact) so that you can see if she's willing to change that part of her up as well.

Frankly, if you have children with her I'm thinking she's going to be one of those women that does absolutely nothing but sit and hold the baby all day long and uses that as an excuse for not doing any house work or exercise or getting the kid out in the fresh air. Can you see her being that woman? Can you see yourself being happy with her 10 years from now if nothing changes?

I'll add that maybe you should print out this thread. Perhaps if she read your thoughts, she'd get a fire going under her ass she'd try to be less zombiefied? Is she on some kind of meds for depression that keep her emotions flat-lined?