How to save my relationship

[Wickman84]

Not really like me to post in one of these but I need some advise. A little back story, I am 29, have a four year old son, and am widowed. My wife past away a little over two years ago. I got involved with a girl way too soon after my wife passed away and it was pretty awful. Won't go into too many details but she saw my weakness and fed on it and used it against me. Well I finally got to a point where I had to get it, and it took a lot for me to get her out of my life, even thought I was done and wanted her out she refused. Sounds stupid I know, but I am a cop and she called my work all the time trying to get me in trouble, it was just bad. Well I finally got her out, and started seeing this girl who had two kids. She was really cool, but in the beginning I was very hesitant and cautious, she constantly wanted to be with me or come over, and yeah I liked her alot, but was like whoa give me a day or two to myself you know. But as time went on I began to fall for her more and more. We introduced our kids to each other. They fell in love with each other, would go out and do family stuff together, take the kids to the zoo the beach whatever. They would come stay over several times a week. And for the first time in several years, I have been sooooo happy. You see the last couple years of my wife's life were hell, not anything she did, she was just very sick, constantly in the hospital, I would go from the hospital to work, to pick up my son from whoever was watching him while I was working, and the next day do it all over again. So it was a very dark time for my family. So I hadn't felt happiness or joy like this in a very long time. Well things continued to go great, and it got to a point, she asked to be my girlfriend. And I told her I would love that. Well things continued on to go great, well she recently started a new job, and works alot, so naturally I would see her less, but less turned to hardly ever, and then the way she used to text me changed as well, and talking on the phone became alot less also. Well it got to a point, this would of been a week in a half ago, she called me on a Monday and asked if her and the girls could come stay the night on Tuesday. I said yeah of course, well Tuesday came and she came up with some excuse, so I asked, are you still my girlfriend or what is going on? She told me that she likes me and Hayden alot, she is just a little afraid of commitments right now, though she was ok but felt her heart still needed to heal from Dave, her last relationship. He kinda screwed her over pretty bad. Well I poured my heart out to her, told her I loved her, and alot of other stuff. Told her I would give her her space.....well an hour or two after that she text me that she misses me and she is sorry she is being weird. Well I sent a little bit of a harsh text but truthful. "I understand ur scared and I miss you too but I have been through alot and I'm not looking to play games or be with someone who doesn't know what they want. I deserve to be happy too and it seems to me you need to spend some time figuring out what you want. If you figure out what it is you want you know where I'll be but I am not going to play games anymore.....anyway I did not get a response till the next morning. She said sorry she fell asleep. Well she didn't directly respond so I kinda ignored her, not ignored but didn't initiciate anything, didn't respond to her text or phone calls. And was blowing my phone up. Well the next day I text her, and she basically turned it around on me, and said she is scared because of my wife. She likes me alot however feels I am still healing and told me she is patient. I took this as a cop out being just two nights prior she said it was her. So I again poured my heart out, and explained more about my wife and that time, that I hadn't told anyone and really laid everything out there. Well the next week has been nothing but games in text messages in my mind. When I start to not text or respond she seems to text or call like crazy. Earlier in the week she sent me a picture of her eating tacos naked, lol. Thursday I asked if I could see her, and she told me yes to come over, so I went to her house. And it was great, she hugged me right away and said sorry she is being weird. Her girls laid on me watching a movie and said they missed me, absolutely melted my heart. I over heard a conversation she had with her dad on the phone and he was on her case because it seems she is doing the same thing to him. And she's like sorry dad you know I get weird sometimes and just isolate myself. Well we cuddled in bed for a couple hours before I went home. Was nice. Had told her that she should come stay here the next couple nights cause she would be closer to work, and she said okay she would let me know. Well last night she called and was like hey I was going to come but I am so tired and have to go home and get my stuff ready and I will be too tired to drive. But she would call me when she got home. And I never heard from her. My son constantly asks for her and her daughters, I miss them like crazy, I haven't been eating feel sick. I don't want to lose her. Her Facebook status still says in a relationship so I think that's good lol. I need some advice, am I losing her? What's going in? How do I save us? Is there anything I can do? Thank you and sorry for the extremely long post.

[smackie9]

I guess it`s getting to the point whether you are willing to go to the next level....living together. I have a strong feeling this is what she is angling for, and since you haven't made that step yet, the only explanation she can come up with is that you haven't moved on from your wife ( this is how female brains work).

[smackie9]

And being a female she feels she shouldn't be the one to bring it up. (silly I know but that is how women are). I hope this works for you.

[4 ratties]

Sounds like she may have a bit of depression if she's isolating herself from her family even. Sounds like u really love her and her kids so all u can do is keep riding the wave, communicate and see where things go. I'm not sure what advice I could give. I would say move on to someone that meets your needs more, but u sound pretty emotionally attached

[VerticalMoon]

I think she jumped in all the way at the very beginning and got really engrossed with the relationship. Now, she is at a point where she is ready to calm things down and take a step back to reflect on things. She also seems to just need more personal time. The new job likely has a lot to do with that. I'd try not to stress yourself out too much about anything yet. If the new job isn't anything too stressful, and if there aren't any major issues in the relationship, she's likely to get past this stage. Then, you'll start to see more of her again. I'd suggest waiting and seeing how things go for now. Just try to be patient. Find other things to occupy your time with. Whatever is meant to be, will be.

[Wickman84]

I appreciate everyone's feedback, but still confused lol. If she wanted to live together she would just say that right? I would love to live together, but by her behavior as of late it seems she doesn't want that.

I love her very much, and I don't want to just move on to someone else...she is amazing, and a wonderful person, and has an amazing heart, and I just don't feel like I should nor want to give up. And I am good with slowing things down, I am patient and she is worth it, but I'm just not clear on what's going on. Does she still want me, does she not want me. And I hope and pray this just passes, and it's a phase, and she just needs time to sort stuff out. Is there anything that I have done that I shouldn't of or is there anything that I should be doing that I'm not?

[smackie9]

Maybe she sees the kids are getting too emotionally attached too soon, so to protect them she has pulled back the reins. Maybe you two need to date on an adult level instead of a family level. Get babysitters and spend time together as a couple.