She wants move back to her home country. Should I follow?

[Sushi]

Hello,

Slightly depressed as I write this... which is probably why I stumbled on to this site... I will try to keep details vague for her.

Me and my girlfriend met during our Masters. We fell in love even though there were plenty of reasons not to (she was older, different religions, after her studies she wanted to move back to her home country, which is very very far away...).

She stayed to do a Phd and I started working. 4 years later and we are living together. I have finally found a decent-ish job that has future prospects and we are happy together... For the first times in our lives we have both felt content. In the past I had anxiety issues, depression, etc... I managed to get over them, but they still linger in the background... but with her it all disappears and I just feel as peace.

She has now finished her Phd and is going to move back to her home country. This was never a secret... it was a generally unspoken fact as I could not convince her to stay. I know at that point we should have just stopped being together, but we couldn't.

She wants to move back to her home country as she wants her children to be bilingual and grow up in the same culture as her. However, the main reason is that she has an elderly mother in her 70s who she wants to look after. She also feels guilt that her father became ill while she was studying, although she went back to look after him in his last months (by that I mean 24 hour care). What's worst is that she has siblings, who do not spend time with their mother (or the father before he passed)... but with their other half's family instead (i.e. take them on holidays, random hotel getways, etc... but they never ask the mother or father if they want to go... they only get in touch when they need something). Even worse is that they will visit, but only if the mother is cooking, etc... They will provide no help... just come, eat and go. So despite having knee problems her mother spends hours on her feet cooking and cleaning. My girlfriend's older sister is in the house, but does not talk to the mother or does anything in the house. We have attempted to speak to her siblings in the past, but they get very defensive and do not change. At the end of the day... except for a few moments a week her mother is left alone.

My girlfriend also has a niece who she is literally a second mother to, due to problems between her sister and her daughter. In fact one of the reasons why she moved away was to give her sister the opportunity to be a better mother... but she has not. Her sister is not a bad mother, but is very critical of the daughter and is emotionally distant and physically distant (due to lots of past issues). She has tried to help her sister, but the same issues occur. So in my girlfriend's eyes she provided that emotionally support, helped her niece to become confident and secure... but then for her to regress while she was away studying which she feels guilty for.

All the above is one of the reasons I do not want her to go... She will just be dedicating her life to others rather then making herself happy. Before she came to study she would work, look after the mother, help clean the house, cook, look after her siblings' children whenever they 'needed a break', etc.

I do not want to dedicate my life to someone who is dedicating her life to other people.

I do not want to move to her home country as I have family here (I do not mind moving away from family and we actually live in a different city to them, but her home country in question is around a 12 hour flight and would cost £600-£1000 per person for a return flight), I do not understand or speak the language there, it is a better 3rd world country but still has lots of corruption and hospitals are only good if you can afford to go private, I have a decent job here and if she started working we could be a nicely middle class couple and buy a house through a mortgage within a year or two and I am not sure I could find a decent job in her home country. There is also the issue of religion... while it would not cause an issue here... in her home country, while it will not cause any violence... it could potentially lead to discrimination and very unhappy family members. Mine would be unhappy... but that is about it.

I told her if she lived here, became a teacher she could spend her summers in her home country.

I told her I could wait for her. She could go to her home country for a few years to help her niece, mother, etc. They could even move here for the niece to start college/uni and we could look after the mother. But since she is older then me she wants to have a baby in the next year or two and her family are pressuring her to get married... ideally arranged and not with me...

I could go with her for a few years... but we do not have the financial security to do that and it took me so long to finally get a job with a decent income... I might not be able to find a decently paid job in her country... or mine when returning... Also she does not want to be there for just a few years...

Despite all of the above... The thought of being without her makes me seriously consider going with her, but it would cause so many problems and I worry that I will resent her for it.

It just feels ridiculously that when it is just about her and me... everything is perfect...

So the current situation now is that her mother and brother have came to see her graduate and she will be leaving in a month to go back to her home country. She is in another city visiting relatives with her family after picking them up from the airport and I am here getting packed and ready to go before she returns and spends her last month here. I thought about staying with her before she leaves, but it would be too awkward with her mother and brother here... And it would be too hard...

It would be easier if we did not love each... if we were breaking up... if there was some flaw in our relation when it is just about her an me... but the fact that it is ending like this makes it so much harder. The fact that at this time we love each other more then ever. We want to marry, have children...be together forever... If it was not for the fact that we are from two countries separated by thousands of miles we would be married by now.

So my options.... Let her go and move on with my life.... Go with her and deal with any problems.... Or I do what Florentino does in Love in the Time of Cholera (will not say anymore so I do not ruin the novel/film).

Any advice? Comments?

[smackie9]

It's not going to work, no matter how hard you try to change it up, it will never be the same to you because her obligations to her family will never change. It's time to face reality here, you need to throw in the towel. You need to learn about co-dependency for you are fearing too much about how you are going to cope without her. Seek out some professional counseling for your problem instead of seeking another relationship to help you cope with life.

[smackie9]

To add I feel you are being very selfish. As a couple you are supposed to support each other, help each other, and be together to tough it out when things change or when challenges arise. You said being with her has diminished your depression, anxiety etc. Now here she is faced with having to take care of her family (which sounds to me a huge task) and start a career to financially support them as well.....don't you think you owe it to her to stand by her side and help her out? All you have been doing is avoiding it and thinking about yourself.....that's damn pathetic. If you truly love this woman you would get off your ass and go with her. Here you are worried about having to share her with her family.....thumbs down dude.

[Sushi]

Thanks for the response Smakie9! I hope I do not come off as being defensive, but an issue may be that I did not expand fully in my post. In response to some of your points:

"her obligations to her family will never change... Now here she is faced with having to take care of her family." - Perhaps, but it annoys me that the responsibility falls on her when she has around 5+ siblings. 1 of which that lives with the mother, but because they do not step up to the level support that she would provide she feels that she has to. She has told me that if her siblings helped her mother and niece more, she would gladly stay here with me. One of the reasons why she decided to leave her home country to study was because she felt depressed and stressed at home with everything she felt she had to do with little support from most of her siblings. One of the qualities I love about her is that she has a kind heart and would do anything to help others... but the issue is that she can be a self-martyr who helps others to the point where it ends up impacting her negatively.

"start a career to financially support them as well" - This is another issue. In her country there are no lecturing jobs (which would be what she wanted) as there is only 1 uni, whereas here she would have a better opportunity. She actually knows that by going back and doing a similar job as before that she will be criticised (i.e. why spend all that time studying for a phd if you are going to do the same job again).

"You need to learn about co-dependency for you are fearing too much about how you are going to cope without her. Seek out some professional counseling for your problem instead of seeking another relationship to help you cope with life." - I said in the post that I had anxiety issues, but to clarify I overcame my depression/ anxiety as a hindrance before I met her. What I meant is that for anyone whoever has had issues with social anxiety, etc. knows that while they can be overcome, there will always be brief flashes where they re-emerge. The difference is that I know how to handle them now. What I meant was that with her I felt content... there was never any anxiety or depression (well without reason anyway). I will cope without her... my issue is that I love her and our lives will be unhappier without each other.

"All you have been doing is avoiding it and thinking about yourself.....that's damn pathetic." - I can't blame you as I never mentioned it in my post... but I have been helping her out continually during her MA (to the detriment of my own studies), helped her throughout her phd financially so she did not have to work and focus on academia, I helped her get out of the depression she was in when she first arrived, and took her travelling to as many places as I could afford, I have bought her clothes, random flowers or chocolates, etc. I have spent the last 5 years of my life to do whatever I can to make her happy without asking for anything in return. I have listened to all her problems and helped her any way I could. I found a job in the same city as her so we could live together rather then be in the same area as my family. Also to clarify, while she gave a consistent message about going back she would sometimes hint at staying by looking at post-docs, job opportunities, etc.

"Don't you think you owe it to her to stand by her side and help her out?" - I have for the past 5 years, but it feels like one step too far. To do what she wants means moving away from my family completely who also need me, losing any financial security I currently have, going to a country where I do not speak the first 2 dominant languages, etc. Another issue is that she will be unhappy there because she cannot help but help others to the point of depression, etc.

"Here you are worried about having to share her with her family" - It's not about sharing her with her family. I would be more than happy to spend summers there, more then happy for her mother and niece to move here... But I do not want to move to a country where in the process I lose my family (also due to wage differences it would cost a lot more to buy plane tickets in her home country and visit here then vice versa), where people will distance themselves from us because we have different religions and most likely will be indirectly discriminated against, where we might not be able to find decently paying jobs to help support ourselves, etc.

My current plan might be to save up for a bit and visit her in a few months and talk it through then. Maybe things will improve there and her siblings are taking more responsibility, I might like the country more or I might decide that the sacrifices would be worth it to be with her in her home country.

I'm not sure if I have re-enforced your points or not, but I hope that provides some greater context.

[smackie9]

You are still wishing for something that isn't going to happen. It's obvious her obligation lies with her family and not you. Face the reality that she is up and leaving you, no matter what you plan on doing.

[smackie9]

To add if her siblings are not taking any responsibility now, they won't be any time soon, especially when she is going to be there. Can't you see the dilemma she is in? She is not getting out of it because of the way she is, she is willing to sacrifice her relationship to be there for her family.

Life's a bitch ain't it.

[Sushi]

Yeah I understand... I am just kind of sick of being nice and seeing things from everyone else's perspective. Really, if I sound selfish, I am not. I perfectly understand her reasoning, feelings, etc.

I suppose I was just hoping for an angle I had not thought of...

But at the end of the day. It is like you said... life can be shit.

[smackie9]

The only thing you can do is play it out for a few months and see what direction things go before making any decisions on your end.