Advice please? Uncertain about 4 year relationship

[fafafafa]

Hi everyone. I was looking for some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend.

We're both 21 and in our second-to-last year of university. We've known each other for ~15 years and been together about 4 years (so since halfway through our final year of school). We get on very well - he's a wonderful, caring and loyal guy. The only real problems we've had have been my social anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. I don't really have any friends or much of a social life, and he's very social with huge numbers of friends and goes out all the time. I've been working on that for quite a long time - with limited success, but I'm seeing a therapist & doctor now and I'm getting better - and he's been incredibly supportive. I'm really lucky to have him.

The problem I'm having is that I just don't love him. I've always enjoyed his company but I've just never really had those feelings. The worst part is that I WANT to love him - he's everything I could ever want in a boyfriend, he's basically my ideal guy. But I just don't. And I have no idea what to do.

I'm especially conflicted because a lot of the time I feel like maybe it's my depression that is masking my feelings for him. I know there are a lot of things I used to enjoy before I became depressed 4-5 years ago (art, music, literature) that I don't any more, which my doctor says is probably because I'm depressed. I always wonder if my feelings for my boyfriend are the same way.

But at the same time, I know it's horribly unfair to keep dating him when I don't love him. He deserves a girlfriend who loves him the same way he loves me. But I'm terrified to break up with him... even though I don't think I love him, I care about him a lot and I miss him awfully when he's not around. And I don't have any friends or anything, as hard as I try - if we break up I'll be completely alone. I know it's a really selfish reason to keep up the relationship but there it is...

Advice please? I don't know if I should stay until I'm a bit better mentally and reassess, or be honest with him, break up and move on - and I don't even know how to do that. I'm absolutely terrified I'll make the wrong decision and screw my life up even more.

[basilandthyme]

fafa, it's great that you're seeking help for your problems. And your guy sounds like a great guy.

I think the stay or leave question is one which you must work through with your therapist. She's probably got a much better idea than us of where you're at and where you're likely to end up.

Has your Dr prescribed anti-depressant meds? They can make a huge difference to your outlook. If the first one doesn't work for you, don't give up. Try a different one.

[michelle23]

When my aunt passed away, I became extremely depressed, I was heartbroken and eventually went numb-couldnt feel anything. It was grief taking all my emotions away and all I could feel was pain and sadness. During that time I became distant from my bf, started having doubts about us and felt very confused about everything.

I searched for answers everywhere, felt so lost and didnt know what to do. I looked up loads of advice on the internet such as "the signs of a healthy relationship", "the difference between infatuation and love", how grief/depression affects a relationship", "thinking the grass is greener", "the 9 stages of love" etc.

It took time to find my answer and eventually I realized I must love him coz otherwise the thought of hurting him/breaking his heart wouldn't be so painful. Anyway once the grief started to fade and I started to feel like me again-all those feelings came rushing back-it was overwhelming, confusing, emotional and I became a little obsessed with him lol but Im back to normal now and were happier than we have ever been

I think you should keep him in your life but also join a hobby, make new friends, become less dependent on him. Then your relationship will be healthy