Lost and confused....

[mrlee75]

I'm a bit lost and confused on my relationship. I want to break it off, but a part of me wants to see where this relationship can go (although I think deep down I know it won't go anywhere).

Basically I've been dating a girl for over a year and a half. We've had our differences in the past, but worked on things. Now it's just to the point where I'm just losing all hope. I'm 28 and she's 24. We've been friends 3-4 years before getting together. Friends, but not great friends. I used to be a wild one and didn't care about a lot of things in the past, especially towards girls and I've had my fair share of partying and drunken escapades. After getting with her, my life changed where I am very career oriented and just don't find the enjoyment of partying and want a serious lasting relationship. The transition happened gradually prior to us getting together so it's not because of her.

Now here is my problem. She comes over to my house every day and stays over. It's great and a great feeling, however this is where it goes wrong. Although she's here everyday and every minute, her weekends are filled with her and her friends, partying and getting drunk. I don't mind her going out with her friends once in a while, but it's been consistent for weeks/months on end where she would be going out and partying and afterwards expects to come over and spend time with me the day after. I've asked her out on the weekends, but I have to contend with her friends. I've tried talking to her about the consistent partying and drinking, but we just end up getting into a fight, with her giving random excuses. From my point of view it sucks, cause I actually feel like I'm more single than in a relationship and it's completely one sided. She says she feels like the relationship is unfair that she comes over all the time and gets shit for going out with her friends. (I don't tell her to come over, she asks if she can and I say "yes", when I say "no" I get the whole guilt trip speech of her not seeing me, etc etc.). I think it's unfair because whenever she does come over, we end up watching what she wants and whenever we go out I realized that majority of the time, I end up paying and the fact that I haven't spent an entire weekend with her unless we both go on vacation or something of that nature. I do suggest things once in a while, but she's hesitant and says "no" or gives some excuse why she doesn't want to or doesn't like it. But when her friends asks or wants to do the same thing, she's all for it. Really annoying. This doesn't happen all the time, but enough for me to get irritated.

Definitely need some advice on the relationship and why I'm still in it, I have a feeling most of the responses are to drop her.

[Cerby]

Well, this is a situation where communication with her is more important that with us. You're seeing the relationship in different perspectives, and both think it is the right way to go about things. Have you had a serious sit-down and a level headed talk about your issues in the relationship? I'd recommend you start with that, and see if there is a middle ground for you to find.

If this fails, then you need to ask yourself "I'm not happy, but what can I do to BE happy in this relationship?". If there is no clear cut answer, or the answer requires more work and effort than either of you are willing to put in, then yes, you should drop her.

Life is too short to second guess relationships, there is someone out there who is already the person you're looking for, don't bother spending too much time fixing a relationship that can't be fixed or you have only sunk a year in to.

[mrlee75]

I do try to communicate...That's the problem. She gets mad and throws a tantrum. I've told her that throwing a tantrum doesn't solve anything. Talking to her is almost futile, it's like talking to a little kid. I realize I'm lecturing her more so and any conversation we have about relationship issues, just ends up with us getting into a fight.

Last time it was over a dresser in my garage that I told her she could use to clean her room, but she got sad and grumpy when I realized it would take us 3-4 hours to clean out the garage so I offered plastic bins. She remained grumpy the entire day and stayed in bed, until at night her friends wanted to go out so she went. She did come back to help the next day, but I was already irritated. after cleaning we were supposed to go to a BBQ, but she wanted to drop by a different friends place. I said that was fine, but the conversation got really annoying, she kept implying that she wasn't sure if I could go because her friends parents are religious? and kept asking if I wanted to go when I've already said yes. So I said forget it, if it's that complicated I'm just not going to go to anything. She stayed out the entire day and slept over at the bbq, finally after 2 whole days I get a text from her saying she's "Sorry for being grumpy" and wants to come over, but after she takes a nap because she's hung over...and she didn't even make it to the other friends place because her and her friends got drunk...

Back to the dresser, we talked after the text and after she threw her tantrum of me bringing up the subject. She ended up letting me know that she was sad that I didn't want to help her, even though 10 minutes after saying no I agreed to help her...

This week was almost the same, I told her about my concerns and her drinking, because she was going out to a friends graduation party, so she threw a fit. We settled that pretty fast, but then she stayed in bed the entire day napping. I wanted to go do something, but by the time she woke up there wasn't a whole lot of time for us to do anything. I told her I wanted to watch a movie, she gave me a reason why she doesn't like movies etc etc.. Then she kept asking what I wanted to do or what's there to do.

Eventually she knew i was getting irritated so she left. Come the next day, she's hung over and texts me if I want to watch a movie at night...

In the last 2 months we've spent every weekday together and at most 3 weekends together. 2 out of the 3 she stayed in bed until she had something to do with her friends. The 3rd weekend we went somwhere for a friends birthday. We went clubbing both nights, but the second night we left early, because she got drunk and tired. Weekdays aren't all that great, I work in consulting, so I'm tired after a long day. I just want to rest and relax so we end up watching TV. Weekends I want to do things, but I end up having to do it by myself or when all the partying is done...

[smackie9]

You have already communicated to her how you feel about this and she isn't going to compromise. Your relationship expectations are not the same and if you try to change her, and get her to settle down to suit you, she will resent you for it. And since you have dropped out of the party scene and have become more serious about life, there is no more life style compatibility between you two. You both are going in different directions, which is now pulling you two a part. You have to be practical in your choice here....what is going to be best for you?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Nothing's gonna change. Dump her.

[smackie9]

I have walked away from a 5 year relationship because his partying got out of control, not to mention a bunch of other things.....I couldn't take it anymore.