Sharing my anxious situation with you.

[Jimbobby]

I’ve found myself in a situation difficult to move on from. Any advice and help is appreciated.

I am 42, never married.

6 years ago I met a lovely lady from Italy (now 41) and over those years we have on three attempts tried to live together, in both our native countries - but without success. Reasons of failure are down to us as individuals unable to settle in to the others country and not able to find work.

Before, during and after those attempts to live together and recent family issues we have met and stayed together for short periods, our relationship kept alive with those short stays of one week or so, and at all other times by communication over the internet.

After our last attempt last summer 2012 when she came to live with me she returned home 3 months later and in all manner of words it felt as though we had split up – it was difficult and I thought it over and I became quite depressed and sought personal counseling, which I must admit helped make me feel more positive about it. We have met once since then.

Over these six years we have grown to know each other very well and have shared every thought and supported one another through difficult times.

Early this year though something unexpected happened: I became friends with another woman from work (29) , purely friends then, only to find we had a lot in common, we really ‘clicked’ and to find each other in good company.

Before our friendship deepened I told the lady from work of my situation with said Italian lady, I have been totally honest with her and she understood; I have not told my long known partner in Italy of this. After some meetings we became physically attracted to each other: we have held hands and kissed (some passionate kissing) but nothing more. This has been going on for a couple of months.

Now the Italian lady wants to try again and return to me here this summer. Had I not met the lady from work I would have tried another time but right now I feel confused and anxious like I did last year. Because of this anxiety I have told the lady from work we cannot continue as we were.

The anxiety could be because of one or more of these:

• I brought this situation on myself (guilt),
• Because I told the lady from work we cannot continue and now I find myself missing her.
• I feel anxious in that if I were to change my mind and stop the relationship with the Italian lady I will feel guilt because I abandoned her for some one else –
• However, I am anxious on another attempt living together with the Italian lady will result in failure.

I hate to cause hurt to anyone.

[basilandthyme]

After three failed attempts at living together, I think you're crazy to try for number four. Why would you think the outcome would be any different this time? You would have been far wiser to end contact and move on.

When this moving in attempt fails, you'll find that you no longer have the lovely lady from your work either. Mate, you've shot yourself in the foot.

[TablesandChairs]

You've been trying to make it work, unsuccessfully, for 6 years. Why would it be different now? If neither of you can live in the other person's country and neither of you is willing to permanently relocate, you're stuffed. Dead end. Try with someone who actually lives in the same country as you...it's less complicated and has a higher chance of success.

Your anxiety might be caused by the fact that you're not being honest with the Italian woman - tell her. Say you feel like you have both tried in the last 6 years without success and that it's probably time to simply move on.

[dem862]

You need to cut bait with the Italian. It obviously doesnt work. Also you shouldnt consort where you work. So dump them both and be single for a while. Then your anxiety will disappear and you might be available for a real relationship.

[michelle23]

i agree totally with dem ^^^. End both and be alone for awhile.

[Jimbobby]

I kind of have to agree with you all here, it's admitting it to myself and moving on, I just feel sad about those six years and nothing for us at the end of it.

Having put the brakes on with the lady from work we remain friends, so seeing how that develops slowly would seem to be the wiser thing.

[michelle23]

yes just dont jump into anything till your fully over your ex. after 6years of it being complicated-it will never work so walk away

[LoveLife]

I think you need ot have some time away from the situation cut contact and think whats right for you....if its meant to be it will be no stress - it will happen its all about the paths of destiny - life should not be stressful!