My boyfriend is being al jerk.

[TablesandChairs]

Honestly, he sounds like a neanderthal; woman make me food, woman give me sex. One of the issues you're having is the difference between your educational levels (and possibly backgrounds). He wants you to react in a way he thinks is normal - 'break things, swear and shout'. But you're not trailer trash. You handle things differently - you remove yourself from the situation until such a time that you can think clearly and rationally. It's not your fault you have a vocabulary.

The language he used towards you is pretty horrid...whatever you decide to do, make it clear that if he used the C work towards you again, he can say goodbye to it.

[michelle23]

If anyone ever spoke to me like that-they would not only get a slap in the face but they would come home the next day to an empty house and a note saying "enjoy being single" I have been in a 5 year relationship and not once has my bf ever screamed at me like that or called me names and i have never done that to him.

The problem here is not you. You treat him with respect and deal with conflict in a much healthier way-the way couples should resolve issues. He on the other hand is destructive. Look up narcissistic personality disorder. I have a bad feeling about this guy and I think you should run

[TablesandChairs]

Reflect on how much you do for him; are you mostly always obliging when it comes to cooking his food, having sex, cleaning, washing and so forth? What if you became less obliging? Say, you decided to have a 'lazy' week? Gender roles are fine if that's what works, but they shouldn't be an utter expectation to the point that you end up being called a name when you don't fulfill your 'duties'. You're an educated woman living in the 21st Century.

This man was a high-school 'crush' and you say a relationship with him was a 'dream come true'. Sometimes, though...the popular kid in school ends up being a big, unaccomplished douche in adulthood.

[Nightshade]

Thank you everyone.
I followed some of the advice I received here yesterday and I believe that most of you are bang-on!
The issue is resolved, for now. But things are weird.

I will elaborate further... tomorrow, he didn't go to work today and I'd hate for him to catch me "spilling the beans" about our relationship to strangers

[michelle23]

Looking forward to hearing it tomorrow

[Nightshade]

Update:

I ended up taking the advice of a few of you (even quoting someone, directly) and confronted him that day when he got home.
Before I said anything, he acted as if I had wronged him and was ignoring me. We had guests over when he arrived, so diplomacy was forced (it was awkward, to say the least). Anyway, when they left, I basically told him that what he said was absolutely unacceptable given the circumstances and that if it happened again, I would end our relationship. At first, he got pretty angry. He denied any accountability in the situation and claimed that I had just woke up that morning and started being a total bitch. He maintained that I deserved to be called a stunned cunt and that he WAS controlling his anger. I held my ground, brought up a few facts that pretty much discredited his "recollection of events" and he conceded that yes, I didn't deserve that kind of treatment and my behaviour was a direct result of his own.

Once we got over that hurdle, we started talking about the more complicated aspects of our relationship dynamic. Specifically, how we communicate during conflict. Using some clever rephrasing, I pretty much reiterated what many of you had said about his character, as I felt it was spot on. Surprisingly, he agreed. We talked about his past experiences with women, including his mother and I think he actually came to realize a great deal about himself. He seemed genuinely sorry and like he had a personal epiphany. After we talked about him, we talked about my failings and how we could be considerate of eachothers weaknesses. It was a really good talk and I feel like we made some genuine discoveries about one another.

Ugh, then....
We were planning a date night. Everything went smoothly......until I gave him head. He fell asleep on the couch. I ended up cleaning (I become busy and quiet when angry), then waking him up at 1am. He couldn't understand why I was so pissed off. I had spent all day making arrangements, then another 2 hours getting dolled up. I even washed my favorite dress. I definitely felt used. I felt like everything we had JUST talked about, meant nothing at all. He got what he wanted from me, then went to bed with NO consideration or respect for my needs OR feelings thereafter. When we got into bed, he had the audacity to try and make a move on me, then got frustrated when I refused his advances. I sprung out of bed and very seriously told him to **** off. He followed me out of the bedroom, yelling at me "WTF is your problem, why are you always so ****ing unhappy?! If one little thing doesn't go your way, you just shut the **** down". I promptly told him that it wasn't about that. It had very little to do with the fact that we didn't go out and EVERYTHING to do with how he disregarded my feelings.

The fight escalated. We were both shouting and neither of us knew what the other wanted from the other. I ended up walking out the door to go for a run (we live on an acreage). He came running after me, demanding that I go back inside to "finish this". I did. He ended up telling me HE was leaving. "You think you can just ****ing walk out on me? That's fine. When you come back, I'll be gone. I need to make arrangements to get my things". I said okay, but I wanted to leave while he was packing. He was not okay with that and ended up hiding the keys, taking my shoes and otherwise, making it impossible for me to go. I started crying, then he came to comfort me. He said he could never leave me, this was our home and our life. We would work through everything and he would even get therapy. He said he just doesn't know how to treat women, but he wants to learn because I'm everything to him and he can't lose me. He said we needed to make compromises and that if I would let him, he would take me out the next night to make it up to me. He even called my mom the next morning (who was babysitting at the time) and explained that he ruined the evening and would like to try again.

I went with it. We had amazing sex, a fantastic morning and an even better afternoon. Until of course, we were to go out. He informed me that he was taking me to the bar and that I should wear something sexy. I told him I felt uncomfortable with going to a local bar, as I'm trying to build esteem in the community as a young entrepreneur. He insisted that we go to a bar and so compromised and took me to a place 3 towns over. Before we left, he criticized my clothing and asked me again to wear something sexy. I stood my ground and told him he was lucky I was going in the first place. I went in sweat pants and a tank top.

We get to the bar and I go to find a place to sit while he gets drinks. When we walk in, he doesn't hold my hand, or look at me. He gave no evidence via body language that we were a couple, or even arrived together. I know why he did this. He didn't want to be seen with me looking frumpy. 3 different tables of guys asked me if I needed a place to sit and before my bf arrived with drinks, and anonymous patron bought me a daquiri...... I had a LOT of attention in that place. Attention I did not elicit. Everyone was very kind to me and seemed very concerned with my comfort. This made my bf very angry. He asked me to trade places with him so that people didn't stare at me. I complied. I left to use the ladies room and when I returned, my bf informed me that some guy bumped into my boob and he wanted to know if that person apologized to me. I just rolled my eyes at him and laughed. We went out for a cigarette, and stood behind me so nobody could see my butt. He had to "protect his booty", he said. And then started talking about pirates....lol, anyway. We went back inside and the bartender approached me and asked if my last drink was to my satisfaction, I let him know it was delicious and he made me another, "on the house". After I finished it, I was in a great mood and kind of wanted to stay and watch the band, my bf would not have it. We left right away and when we got into the truck, he told me he had an awful time because he was so jealous. He doesn't want to go to bars with me anymore. lol

Things have been okay since then. I feel better now that I'm "aware" of the situation and for that, I thank you. A few of you have really opened my eyes. I see what's going on now and I will be vigilant. Now that I have a good idea of where everyone stands, I will be able to draw out my expectations. I will try to work through this problem with him and will encourage him to seek therapy. I'm not the type of person to just "give up", especially when I see someone making a strong effort to improve themselves. He has acknowledged that he has a problem and at this point, is willing to work towards a solution.

I'm going to be very careful and yes, if things do not get significantly better in the way he communicates with me, or I don't see any effort towards that end, I will leave him.

[Nightshade]

And going out the bar with him was a blast!! It really helped to boost my self esteem.

[Nightshade]

Woaaaaah, my post looks like a nightmare. Sorry for the sentence structure and grammar/spelling.
I'm trying to type this fast and secretly so nobody walks in and sees! lol

[michelle23]

wtf is wrong with you nightstand? seriously! yohr a doormat. hes a narcissistic, controlling, possessive, jealous, angry cunt who only focuses on his needs, his wants. he has zero emotional intelligence, no respect for you. you are being a twat.

how many more chances are you gonna give him. his words are just words-he has not backed up a single promise with an action. this guy sounds like my worst nightmare-i would be long gone.

look up narcissistic personality disorder-he is NEVER gonna change and then look up co-dependency.

you need therapy if your gonna stay with this guy and by the time hes finished with you-you will be having aa nervous breakdown in a psychiatric ward.

did you say you have a child? are you okay with him shouting, swearing and calling you names in front of your baby? you will get that kid taken away from you if your not careful.

if you cant leave him for your sake then please put your kid first and get rid of this horrible man

[Nightshade]

For the record, he has never shouted or sworn around my child. Except when he took of his toenail with a hammer.....but I think anyone would have used an expletive in that situation.

I hesitate to write him off. He wasn't even aware he had this problem and seemed thoughtful and open to it when I brought it up. When we were talking about how he treats women, he was crying and seemed to be genuinely unaware of what he was doing. He acknowledged that a problem did exist and that if unchecked, it could be detrimental to me as a person and to our relationship. He is open to receiving help. These seem like the actions of a person who is trying. Seeing as how this is a new situation and not something that has been occurring for months on end, I think it's only right to give him a chance.

I'm not the type to have a nervous breakdown. Neither I, nor my family would ever allow it to get to that point.

He does have very little emotional intelligence.

[michelle23]

you cannot fix him. he has to do that on his own. he mafe all these promises to you then went crazy again a few hours later, made more promises, cried, begged-then criticized and nagged everything about you-and almost had a seisure coz a few guys paid you some attention. its not normal.

i get most men can be a little possesive-girls can be too but he is OTT. hes never taking you out again? are you happy to locked in the kitchen making him sandwiches like a muslim bride who cant leave the house without her husband? and the only use you are to him is sex whenever he wants it, on his terms and if he doesnt get his own way once-he gets angry as f**k!

ive said all i can say. you have issues if you think hes even capable of loving you. best of luck i hope his angry problems dont get so bad that you end up in the morgue but i can see it going that way.

[namemyname]

You sound like you have a lot going for you! Good education, job, home, child...

This guy is beneath you, babe. In every category. And when you "date down", eventually these kind of conflicts arise over and over. He will always feel inferior to you, and resent you for it.

I think you're still behaving like the nerd girl in junior high who landed the popular boy. BUT, much like *most* popular boys from high school, then become giant losers in the real world, because they peaked at 18.

Reality - you are SO much better than him, and he will never satisfy you the way you need, and deserve.

I hope you don't waste too much time with him, because you sound like a super catch for someone more worthy.

[michelle23]

just curious-when was the last time he tried to give you an orgasm in bed? or does he just roll over and fall asleep when hes done most the time? thats another sign hes no real interest in you. just wants to pretend your a blow up doll who makes him sandwiches..

your settling for second best. he is a predator-can you not tell that just from looking at his past?

[dem862]

Does he drink excessively? There are some tell-tale signs of alcoholism here. Substance abuse can look like narcissism, but he appears to be capable of genuine remorse. I would agree that you might have a tendency to be co-dependent.

[namemyname]

OMG. I just read the update.

Girl, here is your future if you stay with this guy.

1 - he will cheat on you, if not done already
2 - he will begin to be physically violent
3 - he will break you down into a shell of who you are

GET OUT NOW. This isn't going to improve. He is straight up pathological, and quite honestly, you could use some therapy yourself, because why you would tolerate that kind of abuse, and in front of your child, no less, speaks volumes about where you're at.

Seriously, get out.