Am I wasting my time?

[NicHF]

Firstly, so sorry this is such a long story but I wanted to tap it all out in the hope that maybe that in itself. I'm 44 F and was married for 5 yrs but divorced 12 yrs ago. I've lived alone since then with my daughter who is now 16.

Having had a few brief encounters via online dating, in June 2012 I met a man online (42) who lived 50 miles away. He was living with his ex & 10 year old son but had just divorced. He & his ex continued to live together as they had been together 17 years & felt it was best for their son to keep the family home & gradually get him used to the idea that his parents weren't together. He was definitely divorced and they only lived together for the sake of their son. His ex had had a b/f for 4 years so they'd just stayed living together but living separate lives for the sake of their son.

After initial meeting I told this guy that I didn't want to meet again as we were at different stages in life. I wanted to settle down & be in a full relationship but he had given the impression that he was enjoying dating & wanted to do this for a while & just get to see what was out there. For a few weeks we exchanged hundreds of emails & knew one another's lives inside out. He asked me to meet again & before we knew it we were meeting 3 times a week. He made me feel like the only woman in the world & I could not believe how happy I was with him. Within a month he was staying odd nights with me & we were crazy in love. After a few months he said he hadn't been looking for a relationship but we seemed to 'fit' in so many ways & he just wanted to embrace it & be thankful that he had found somebody that he loved & who adored & loved him.

Over the last few years of his marriage he had turned to playing games online (PS3) & had met a wide circle of friends in Scotland (400 miles away) & the US. During these evening play sessions he also drank a lot & said that is how he coped with his difficult home life. After we had been dating for a few months he said he was going to Scotland for a short break with his online friends & that it had been arranged for a long time. I had no problem & off he went. For some reason, that weekend I sat & read through lots of his old Facebook comments. I found a few that seemed to indicate in the few weeks before we had met that he was upset because he could not convince a particular person (he was quite cryptic about who) to come & live with him to at least gives things a go. This was despite having told me that he had only dated a few women before me, & nobody more than once before we met, so it seemed he had lied to me. When I next saw him (a few days later), I asked him what that was about & he said that he had been very drunk one night & had asked a fellow gamer to come & live with him but it meant nothing & he had no recollection of it as he was drunk. I asked who it was & he said he had no idea & couldn't even remember it & that they had not spoken since as she had objected to his advance. I believed all he said, we laughed about it & no more was mentioned.

After 4 months together, his ex decided she wanted to end their sharing of the matrimonial home & asked him to leave. He could have come & lived with me because his job meant lots of travelling & although we lived 50 miles apart, I actually lived in the centre of his working area. However, he chose to rent a 2 bed flat in his hometown near his son. He continued to visit me on odd nights of the week & had his son in his new flat the remaining nights. Where he had previously classed my house as his home, he now had his own home & was happily planning his future there for him & his son. I felt excluded from his new life so told him that we appeared to have lost our direction & ended things. He asked me to reconsider & said he wanted us to be together. I relented & we carried on with him visiting me a few times a week. At this time we again spoke about things I'd found on his Facebook page but I noticed that whenever I mentioned 'the night he asked someone to come & live with him' he became agitated. This was so obviously a problem that I couldn't let it go & eventually he said that he had had too much to drink one night & that it was one of his close gaming friends that he had come onto (he said it was a lady called C who is a 55 year old, overweight married lady). She had got a little upset by his advances & he claims they both promised they would forget it happened & not tell anyone, ever, about his outburst as they had a large group of shared friends. He said that because he'd promised C that he would never tell anyone, he had taken that promise seriously & so had felt that when I was asking who it was, he had to keep the promise he'd made that he wouldn't ever tell anyone. The whole story didn't add up. There is no way on earth he would have made a pass at her because they are still very close now & it really is just fun & friendly banter that they exchange. I told him it wasn't her & asked for the truth but he was adamant this was the truth. Again, because it had happened before we met (albeit only weeks), I didn't feel it was important & let it go.

We carried on and as he had his son every weekend we only ever spent odd week nights together. I couldn't go & stay with him because my daughter (then 15) was at home & had to go to school & at weekends he and his son had a routine he didn't want to change (football match on Saturday afternoon & children's football & training on Sundays). I sat down one day & told him that we didn't have a relationship but merely a friendship and it was going nowhere because we both had separate lives that we couldn't merge. He said I made him happy & that he would rather have me two nights of the week than not at all.

Christmas 2012, he was made redundant. He was confident he'd find another job & wanted to try & base himself midway between his current home & mine. This gave me confidence that I was important to him.

We had planned our Christmas arrangements & he was coming to stay with me & my daughter because his son was staying with his ex. However, a week before Christmas his ex changed the arrangements to suit her own needs. Therefore, my guy called to say the Christmas plans had changed & he was now staying at his flat with his son & he proceeded to remind me (as he regularly does) that his son would always come first no matter how much it means upsetting me. I always feel special when he tells me this (not)!!!! Over the Christmas period, I hardly saw him at all & realised I wasn't happy so again ended things with him. We talked & he assured me I was important & that he loved me dearly & wanted us to be together so for the umpteenth time I relented & we carried on.

In Jan & Feb 2013, whilst he was searching for a job, we spent quite a lot of time together with him staying with me several nights of the week & most days. We even had our first (& only) 2 nights away together. However, by this point he had stopped making me feel special. As I mentioned, he is an avid video games player & he would often send texts to me at 10pm saying goodnight but he would then turn to Facebook & his PS3 for company. I would often get up in the morning & find Facebook posts between him & his online friends from 1 or 2 in the morning. I did confront him & ask why he needed to have this secret life & he said it wasn't secret & that he only did it occasionally & that he now only had two regular friends.

By this time, he was having difficulties with his ex because he wasn't working & was unable to pay her maintenance money which she was demanding. Between them they decided that to save him having to pay her that they would share parenting 50/50. When he told me what he & his ex had arranged I was gobsmacked as this now meant I would very rarely see him. I can understand your children come first but when you start a long term relationship I believe that you have to take all things as equal & discuss what your plans are so that decision are mutual.

The guy secured another job but only part time on a very low salary. It also meant him working a further 100 miles away so on top of the extra nighst he was having his son, he also took a job meaning he would rarely be able to visit me. Seeing as my daughter was now 16, he said he assumed I would now be able to leave her overnight & visit him instead of him visiting me. I agreed I could do this occasionally but that she was still at school & needed a parent at home as being 16 didn't mean she should be left. I also told him I could not afford the additional fuel for the 100 mile round trip to his house more than twice a month. He said he would change jobs as soon as possible & we'd get back to a more regular pattern of meeting.

Again, I waivered & said I couldn't see a future for us. He has made it clear he won't be living away from his son & I can't move away because I have a good job plus my daughter will shortly start college locally. For the next 5 yrs it would seem we will never be living together or planning a life together. Having talked about future plans, he also told me that he never wants to remarry as this is pointless. For the first 4 months he was very romantic & chased me hard & contacted me hundreds of times a day, whereas now he rarely bothers but does call me each night for a quick chat. A few weeks ago he mentioned us going on holiday with both our children. I thought it was a nice thing to do but I stated that my daughter had lots planned for the summer & so it would be just me going with him & his son. He then replied that he wanted both my daughter & I to go as my daughter would keep his son amused around the pool/beach. At the same time he also told me he was going to Scotland for 4days to meet his online gaming friends. I took a deep breath & graciously accepted what he said but a few days later asked why he could take time off of work to travel so far to meet friends when in over a year he has never spent more than two days consecutively with me & that when I ask him for his time he says he needs to save all his annual leave to cover school holidays to look after his son. He said we were planning a holiday & that he was surely entitled to meet friends as well. I agreed but thought that at some time he could have taken time off from work & his son for us to have a few days alone together. He disagreed & said we saw one another twice a week but he hadn't seen his Scottish friends for nearly a year.

So, having had our one year anniversary of being together last week, he bought me a new camera. Hardly romantic but a nice gesture. He is not at all romantic & thoroughly enjoys telling me or anyone that will listen that romance is a joke & that he doesn't believe in it.

Over the weekend, I was feeling uneasy about a lot of things & again referred to his Facebook. I was mortified to find that for a six month period (ending as we had met) that he had been 'chasing' a work colleague called Z who lived in Scotland & that he had sent her flowers, chocolates etc. He had been posting pictures on Facebook of far flung beaches with cryptic messages for her. It seems that on previous trips to Scotland to see his gaming friends, he had also met with Z - lady he had sent the presents to. Everything fell into place & rather than explode, I gave myself a few days to read over the 'evidence' before confronting him. He had obviously had a 'thing' with Z (who was in a relationship) & I believe it was her he was trying to convince to come & live with him. What is annoying, is that it was his lying that was causing me so much angst as, because it all happened before we me, he shouldn't have had a problem in telling me who it was when I first asked. When I spoke to him (face to face), I asked him to tell me the truth about who the lady was that he had asked to come & live with him & to stop lying. Again, he said it was his 55 year old gaming friend, C. I asked who he had sent flowers & chocolates to & had been having some sort of relationship with for six months & he then admitted he had liked Z (his work colleague) but nothing had gone on between them. I said that it was obvious that it was her he had been begging to live with him but he wouldn't admit to it & stood firm that it was his 55 year old gaming friend that he asked. I asked him why he claimed to be so unromantic when Zoe had chocolate & flowers sent to her & lavish hotels booked (which he says only he stayed in) - he said he had sent flowers to someone else in his Scottish office as well but she hadn't made hers public. I believe he was lying. He became upset & when I got up & said I had to leave because lying was something I couldn't deal with he asked me not to go & that I should believe him as he was telling me the truth. He said his friendship with Z was stupid as she lived hundreds of miles away & he didn't even find her attractive. Bizarrely, what concerned me was that now I was trawling through his old Facebook posts, I noticed that even after I'd met him, they were in touch but she seemed to 'delete' him as a friend in August 2012 & add him again in early 2013. I asked why she had deleted him & he said he had no recollection as to what had happened. I asked him directly if he had continued a relationship with her after we had met but he said he didn't have a relationship with her and he had no idea why she'd blocked him. It just doesn't all add up & the only way I'll find the truth is to ask her & if I feel the need to do that then surely my relationship is doomed anyway?

I just don't understand why this man says he wants to be with me & often drives for hours to be with me. He calls me every day but is not as 'addicted' to me as he had been at first. He's made it very clear his son is first & I come second & I don't believe that is what you should say to a long term partner.

When we are together we are the happiest people ever. We get along, never argue & just love being together.I guess I want to know how the story sounds to others. Do you think this guy does love & care about me? We have no plans to live together because of our locations but can a relationship survive distance when there is no life together other than meeting a few times a week? He says being married isn't important but I think it is. I may be 44 but I dream of one day meeting a man who feels so in love with me that he wants to propose because he genuinely wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Am I likely to find happiness with this man or should I go & look for my dream with someone who wants marriage? He was romantic with Z but isn't with me, does this mean I'm not the one for him? When questioned he says that I'm most definitely part of his long term future so why do I feel so meaningless to him?

From this garbled lot you can probably tell I'm confused. I've never loved anyone the way I love him & when I'm with him it is pure perfection.

[michelle23]

Im sorry but that is really hard to read. Could you edit it and put in some paragraphs? You wont get many responses otherwise. Also cut any bits that are irrelevant if any.

All I can say so far is NEVER trust a man you have met online who still lives with his wife. He is probably feeding you a load of lies and you are falling for it. I bet he is cheating on her, she doesnt know what he is up to and he has no intention of leaving her but I will have to read it again when its edited to help you more.

Id also just like to add-if you only met him a year ago and it is this complicated-it is probably better to just cut your losses and walk away. It shouldn't be like this

[NicHF]

Hi, I don't know whats happening but I did originally type it with paragraphs but they keep disappearing. I've tried again so hope it's now okay.. I can't really cut out any bits as it all seems relevant.

I know for sure that he is divorced as this was finalised just a few weeks after we met. He continued to live with his ex (in separate rooms) for financial reasons and also because they both wanted to live with their son. His ex had had a boyfriend for four years before we met so they were definitely living separate lives. I did go and stay in the marital home when his ex was away so there was nothing 'hidden' from me and he has been very open about everything. After four months I also met his 11 year old son and we often spend a day or so together. I've met his family, friends, parents etc..

Thanks for the reply though.

[michelle23]

After reading it all. I think he is untrustworthy and you should end it now. I think he uses his son as an excuse so he will only have to see you when it suits him. It wouldn't surprise me though if he has been cheating on you from the very beginning.

I would never have a long distance relationship especially not with someone I had met online. I think you can do better.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, you've been divorced for a long time, you've been independent, looked after yourself and your daughter. Suffice to say, you don't need a man just for the sake of having one. What does he offer, really? A few good times a couple of times a week. But that doesn't make a relationship - at best, it means you're dating and after a year, that's not good enough.

The whole 'my son comes first' is a cop out - he can make you a priority if he chose, neither party has to be neglected. You can't enter into a serious relationship and expect the other person to always come second best (and be okay with it). If his ex wanted to change plans last minute, he could have simply said 'Sorry, that's not possible, stick to the original schedule'.

This man is too old to be playing games but that's exactly what he's doing; not just on the PS3 but with you too. He's either serious or he's not and at this point, he's given you no real indication that he is. On top of that, you've also got reasonable reason to believe he is cheating and 'chasing' some woman from Scotland...who he manages to make romantic gestures for while you simply accept that you come second (or third).

Personally, I would end it, at least for the time being. But be resolute in doing so - don't give him the opportunity to talk his way out of things; simply say: "after a year, I expected things to progress differently. They haven't. I'm not sure what's going on with you and Z but I'm no longer happy with my 'second best' ranking and as such need to figure out how to proceed from here. I've been nothing but upfront with you and very willing to commit 100%, clearly that's not where you're at. Thanks for now".

You don't need a man going through his second adolescence. Leave him to his PS3 and Scotland trips. There's better out there.

[michelle23]

I agree with that ^^^ except I wouldnt end it for now-I would end it for good. There are better men out there. Go and find one. What are you afraid of?

[NicHF]

Thanks for the replies. I am independent and have felt myself to be very lucky to be in a position whereby, if I am with a man then its because I genuinely want to be and not because I am dependent on him emotionally, physically etc. I know he loves me with all his heart but I don't understand his mindset in that his son must always come first and that my feelings don't matter. I also know that he isn't having any affair with Z and that anything he did have with her was before we met but I don't understand why he lied to conceal it because that one lie has now led me to analyse everything in such detail that Im possibly seeings problems that don't exist. He doesn't have time for an affair as he has his son 4 nights a week and then I'm with him the remainder. All I wanted was for him to tell me the absolute truth about Z and why he concealed he had anything with her.

I'm not sure if this is an excuse but my guy had an unhappy childhood himself. He had a very privileged childhood because his parents were wealthy and bought him anything he needed but they didn't give him any love. His father put work first followed by personal interests and the children were there to be dealt with by their mother. He says he wants his son to know that he chose to have him and will follow that through by always ensuring he knows it by putting him first. Thats fine, but I don't believe you can have a relationship in those circumstances.

He's been talking to me this morning about booking our holiday for next month but I guess I have to bite the bullet and tell him its off. I know he will be heartbroken because he genuinely doesnt have a clue how bad he's made me feel (despite me telling him many times, he just doesn't seem able to take it in). Once again, thanks for replies. I'd like to think I was intelligent enough to have seen it myself but just needed to be sure I wasn't making a mistake as this guy means the world to me. As you say, there's better out there.

[michelle23]

You sound like a back up plan hun and I dont think he loves you as much as you think he does. He sounds untrustworthy to me. The seed of doubt is already planted in your mind. That will just continue to grow over time until you find more and more proof of his lies.

Its not worth it. Follow your instincts. If something feels wrong-it usually is. Dont be a fool for him.

If you do insist on staying with him-id recommend you invite yourself along to his next trip to Scotland and see how he reacts. I know my bf wouldn't want to go on a trip without me. I would be invited if he was going anywhere to visit friends and its weird that he insists on going without you.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, the real problem here is the length of time you've been seeing this man yet have zero commitment from him. You also have a child so you know it's not impossible to prioritize both and ensure neither feel neglected...people do it all the time. Besides, his boy is 16, not a toddler so it's not like he's full-time dad to 2 year old twins...it's not that difficult to start making you a serious part of his life.

I wish you the best.

[NicHF]

Thanks to those they did manage to read my essay. Sorry it was long but sometimes if you take time to write it in full yourself then it makes you realise that you know you're with the wrong man and half the battle is already done.

Of course, I knew he wasn't committed to me. His son was 12 yesterday and we all spent time together over the weekend but last night I eventually confronted my boyfriend about his lies and deceit. He admitted he had done wrong and apologised and thought we would just move on. I told him via text that we were simply daters and that he does not love me because if he did, he would take time off work to enable us to spend quality time together but instead he has chosen to have time off and visit his friends in Scotland. He hasn't replied to me and said he didn't want to bicker as he knows he's in the wrong and would rather wait until I had calmed down to discuss things. I have no intention of hanging around to hear what he has to say. I will today do the decent thing and end things once and for all.

I'd rather live life alone than with a man who has made me feel second rate for so long.

Once again, sorry for the boring essay but thanks to those that did take time to reply x

[michelle23]

Well done, you are doing the right thing and it is definitely what is best for you in the long run. Dont resign yourself to being alone though. Take a little time out and then get back out there. There are still plenty of great single men out there who are willing and able to give you the commitment, honesty, love and respect you deserve. Dont give up. You have a lot of options and can still find love and happieness.

You just need to have a checklist, know what you want, what you dont want and have boundaries that cannot be crossed. Go at your pace and when you feel ready for more commitment, if he cannot give you that you walk away. Also look for someone local who you can spend a lot of time with

Best of luck x

[NicHF]

Well, I gave my man an opportunity today and told him that he needed to prioritise things in his life. I pointed out that I was as important as his son and that his ps3, online friends and Scottish friends were not going to bring him happiness. It took it to mean I'd offered an ultimatum and ended things between us saying he had too many things he wanted in his life and with me around it wasn't all possible.

I'm relieved. Goes to show that you think you know someone and you think they love you but I clearly have just wasted a year of my life on this idiot. Okay, so I'm the idiot :-(

That's it folks. Thanks for the help to make me see sense.