Do I need to end it or am I just freaking out?

[twentiesguy]

Hi, I have been struggling with my relationship for a number of months now and wanted to get some outside advice because I am so confused from it all now. Basically me and my girlfriend first met when we were 18 and we lived in a shared student house together at university. We were friends first for about a year and then it developed into a sexual relationship. I was keen to make it official from the start and be a proper couple but my girlfriend didn't want to and used to deny anything was going on with us and that we were just friends. We carried on like this all though university and even though everyone that knew us knew what was going on my girlfriend continued to deny it. This used to really annoy me and we had many arguments about it but I didn't want to lose her so I just went along with it. I really dont think it was because she was ashamed of me or didnt like me or anything like that she said it was just because she didn't want things to be awkward in the house with the other people we lived with. I think because of this though I never took the relationship seriously and always assumed we would probably just break up at some point. Eventually though we started using the L word and even though the relationship still wasnt official we were in love and used to spend a lot of time together. The time came to graduate from university and I moved back home which was about an hour and a half away from my girlfriend. We carried on the relationship though and used to see each other at weekends and spoke by sms/instant messenger/phone every day. After 9 months of living apart I was unhappy at home and made the decision to move back to be with her. She still had a year of university left and so I got a job nearby and moved in with her in her student house. We then started looking for places of our own. During this time I had a bit of a freak out. It only lasted about 2 weeks but I just had this horrible feeling that we weren't meant to be together and that getting a place of our own wasn't right. I had crazy thoughts going through my head 24/7 that maybe I didn't love her enough and it wasn't a proper relationship and felt really guilty and depressed about it. After about two weeks of this my girlfriend finally confronted me and asked why I had been acting so wierd. I told her I was having doubts and wanted to break up. It was horrible, we both cried a lot and then she had to go to work and I was left at home on my own. What I had done sunk in and I instantly felt awful and knew I'd made a big mistake. I went to see her in work and said sorry and told her that I loved her and we patched it up. Anyway we ended up getting a place together and have been living with each other for 2 years now and up until about 6 months ago everything was great. We are now both 25 and have good jobs which have meant we have been able to save up some money and start looking at houses to buy together. I seem to be having the same freak out that I had before and am just constantly worried that we're not right or each other and that we should break up. I hate feeling like this and it seems very irrational. My girlfriend is an incredible person, she is good looking, devoted to me, incredibly loyal, loving and caring and we get on really well. I am attracted to her and I know I love her but something keeps eating away at me in my mind that its going to end badly. I don't know if this is just a problem with me and I have commitment issues or something or whether I should listen to these feelings and act on them. It is driving me crazy though and started to make me feel really depressed. I'm really in limbo because I don't want to break up with her and realise I've hurt and lost the love of my life but I can't carry on feeling like this either. Does anyone have any advice? Do you think I might need counselling or something?

[michelle23]

I think all these doubts stem from how your relationship started. You don't feel 100% secure with her because she wouldn't give you the commitment you craved to begin with.
You also fear getting hurt.

Look up the signs of a healthy relationship and the 9 stages of love as well as "thinking the grass is greener".

Is there anything in particular your not happy with? Do you feel loved? Is there enough affection, intimacy, romance, sex? Do you trust her? Feel safe to confide in her about anything? and lean on her for emotional support? Do you feel like she is your best friend as well as your lover? Do you get on well with each others families? Do you both have friends and hobbies outside the relationship?

If there is nothing wrong with the relationship-then there is probably something wrong with you. Perhaps you are insecure and feel like you are not good enough so feel the urge to push her away.. If you were no good together you wouldnt have lasted 7 years

[twentiesguy]

Thanks for your reply. What you've said about the start of the relationship makes a lot of sense. As for the other stuff I do feel she is my best friend and I can talk to her about anything and she is very emotionally supportive. I trust her implicitly she would never cheat on me she's just not like that. We get on well with each others families too. I think there is definitely some grass is greener going on as I have only been with 2 other people and since we got together quite young I've never really done the whole single thing. We are very similar people in most ways the only way we really differ is I'm usually very laid back and avoid confrontation whereas she is quite fiery and isn't afraid to speak her mind which does cause conflict between us sometimes.

I think all these doubts stem from how your relationship started. You don't feel 100% secure with her because she wouldn't give you the commitment you craved to begin with.
You also fear getting hurt.

Look up the signs of a healthy relationship and the 9 stages of love as well as "thinking the grass is greener".

Is there anything in particular your not happy with? Do you feel loved? Is there enough affection, intimacy, romance, sex? Do you trust her? Feel safe to confide in her about anything? and lean on her for emotional support? Do you feel like she is your best friend as well as your lover? Do you get on well with each others families? Do you both have friends and hobbies outside the relationship?

If there is nothing wrong with the relationship-then there is probably something wrong with you. Perhaps you are insecure and feel like you are not good enough so feel the urge to push her away.. If you were no good together you wouldnt have lasted 7 years

[michelle23]

avoiding confrontation is passive aggressive which means resentment and anger will build up between you so if you do have a problem-its best to just get it off your chest so your not still holding grudges over something that happened a year ago.. if that makes sense?

im with my bf 5 years, ive only been with one other person. hes been with 2 other people. im 23 hes 24 and were both quite confident that we are meant to be together. I have had this discussion with him, Ive asked him does he ever wonder is the grass greener and he said no. I believe that is because he is quite confident, has high self-esteem and doesn't need a certain number of notches on his belt in order to feel like a man. Im not saying that you do-Im just pointing out that insecurity can be quite destructive.

It sounds like you are great together. I wouldnt throw all that away without being 100% sure

[twentiesguy]

Hi

Thanks a lot for your thoughts I think you're definitely right that avoiding saying what is on your mind is a bad thing and leads to anger and resentment. I think there is probably some built up resentment on my part and this is something I need to work on and make sure I don't bottle anything up in future.

avoiding confrontation is passive aggressive which means resentment and anger will build up between you so if you do have a problem-its best to just get it off your chest so your not still holding grudges over something that happened a year ago.. if that makes sense?

im with my bf 5 years, ive only been with one other person. hes been with 2 other people. im 23 hes 24 and were both quite confident that we are meant to be together. I have had this discussion with him, Ive asked him does he ever wonder is the grass greener and he said no. I believe that is because he is quite confident, has high self-esteem and doesn't need a certain number of notches on his belt in order to feel like a man. Im not saying that you do-Im just pointing out that insecurity can be quite destructive.

It sounds like you are great together. I wouldnt throw all that away without being 100% sure

[michelle23]

I do think counselling may help you figure out why you freak out so much when facing another commitment. You already live together, know each other really well and have been happy together. Buying a house, getting married, having a baby is more responsibility but shouldnt change how you feel about each other or the relationship. Everything should stay the same. Well apart from the baby part-that does change things but not necessarily in a negative way unless you stop nurturing the relationship you have.

Dont make any impulsive decisions right now. Take your time to figure out what you want. And dont make a decision until you are sure its the right one

bear in mind though if you hurt her again-she may not take you back this time. Breaking up can make her lose all trust in you and what you have so you need to be sure