Is it really over for good?

[namemyname]

I understand you want to meet her.

However, dating and a relationship doesn't start until you meet someone. Anything that transpires virtually in advance is just pure fantasy.

For you to say you love someone you've never met, and want to marry a stranger is concerning.

Again, I know you're hurting from the divorce and trying to cling to someone, anyone, but a girl half your age living in another country that you've never met isn't it.

I think I could view this a little more optimistically if the whole thing wasn't irrational. She doesn't want to meet you, and you're convinced you want to spend your life with her.

Think about how that sounds to someone outside looking in...

[TablesandChairs]

At 27, I entered into a relationship with a divorcee and a kid. It was hellish; I was in no way ready for that (even though I thought I was). In practice, things are very different. I think your friend/girlfriend is correctly foreseeing that the situation might not be as easy, in reality, as it is over the internet, no matter how much you have in common.

Single, young, unattached people are not accustomed to making big compromises or sacrifices; their life has largely been about them and they don't understand (like I didn't) that when young children are involved, nothing is quite as 'free' as you're used to. I think this is a stretch, not only because of the difference in age and life-experience but distance, too. Still, all you can do is put your message out there...the choice is hers.

[michelle23]

Its not that we are not optimistic and positive when it comes to love. We are just being realistic my friend. You have never met this woman, you are infatuated by her, you have only seen what she wants you to see. The reality is you dont really know her-only what she has told you and unless you actually meet in person-there is no way to know for sure if the chemistry is there and then it could take two years or more of a real relationship where you have regular one on one face to face contact to figure out if you are truly compatible.

And you cannot change her mind, if she says it is over-it is over.

I get it, you were trapped in a marriage that had gone past its sell by date long ago and now for the first time you are infatuated by someone and everything seems so beautiful, perfect and romantic. Its quite normal when you come out of an unhappy relationship and for the first time in years you can see a happy ever after, have all these dreams again, hopes for the future etc.

But this woman is not the right one mate. She lives in a different country, you have never met her in real life, and she is at a different place in her life with a 20 year age gap between you. You should thank your lucky stars that this gave you the courage and strenght to finally walk away from something that you and your wife both new was over. You can find happiness with someone else (preferably though with someone a little more mature and willing and able to take on your baggage-someone you can connect with on a more mature level).

Best of luck to you

[Am I crazy?]

Just my two cents worth. you met this woman in a "fantasy" gaming world. That is where you are in this relationship. I'm sure she may be a wonderful person but I just don't see any future for you with her. I am also in my early 40's and to be quite honest with you the idea of bagging a 26 year old sounds great and all but after you climb out of bed and realize that you are both in so different stages of your lives based upon the age difference it will probably drive you apart. then, throw in the culture differences and dragging her away from her family and home and I see the relationship as doomed before it starts.

Dude, you are 43 years old. WTF are you sitting playing kids games anyway? I know lots of adults play theses games but you need to get a grip and come back to reality and leave the fantasy world behind. I don't know your wife but what I do know about relationships is that if you spent the time that you devoted to playing with your Xbox and instead played with your wifes "box" maybe you would not be having this problem. Its time to grow up.

[browncoat]

Well crazy, since you don't know the whole story regarding my marriage and there is not enough room to discuss everything that was involved I will just tell you that my gaming was not one of the big problems between my ex and I. Our problems were more personality based and not being able to compromise. She was not willing to hold up her end of the partnership. I had my shortcomings as well, I just don't think it is healthy for a relationship for one person to change almost everything about them to make the other person happy.
But yesterday, my friend and I had a nice talk and we both decided that "breaking up" was the best thing for us. We are both heart-broken. If we got mad and hated each other or if there were personality differences, then all of this would be much easier, for both of us. It was a terrible and unfortunate situation. I have leanred a valuable lesson in all of this. NEVER start another relationship before the last one is completely over. While my ex and moved on emotionally a while ago, the "married" part will always be a wedge issue with any new potential.
The only thing I don't understand, and probably never will, is why my friend uses the way she feels now (doubts,fears,circumstances) as a foundation for how things WILL be in the future. It may be her immaturity or inexperience that is at play here. Even a mutual friend of ours doesn't get it either. Anybody else use todays circumstances as a pattern for how the future will be?
The thing here is it is easy for the situation to get out of hand when you find somebody that fills that "void" in your life. She recognized that as well. She had not been in a relationship for 2.5 years before we met and I was living in an empty marriage for a long time. When you meet someone who you have a connection and chemistry with, the circumstances don't matter. Like Einstein said "Gravity is not responsible for people falling in love." We both had deep feelings for each other, not just me. Its just the reality of the situation set in and it affected her much more negatively than it did me. Call me overly optimistic. Sue me. All I can say in this situation is love does not conquer all.
Thank you everybody for your advice. Especially you Michelle. The only thing I can do now is work on myself, get my personal s**t in order, and move on with no regrets. While I doubt I will be ok for a while, at least I can move on knowing that better days are still ahead of me. God Bless and best wishes for all of you in the forum

[michelle23]

Your welcome. Best of luck to you. The right woman is out there for you and you will find her. Stay positive. This is a new chapter in your life

[namemyname]

You think the takeaway was not to start a new relationship before ending an existing one?

While I agree with the premise, I hope you realize you were not IN a genuine relationship with this girl. You never met her and never had a date. I can't understand how you think you had "chemistry". This whole thing about "breaking up" is just nonsense.

I think your takeaway should be to figure out why you would enmesh yourself so deeply in a fantasy, and convince yourself it was real.

[browncoat]

Talk to a person every day for 11 months about anything and everything. Discuss your hopes and dreams. Find out everything about each other. Then say whether or not you developed real and genuine feelings for them. Check out the blogs on "loving from a distance". I bet a lot of people on that site would disagree with you. Just because we used xbox as our medium of communication makes no difference. Its WAY cheaper than a phone call or Skype for that matter. So unless you have been in a similar situation, dont try and tell me that our feelings were only fantasy. How many hours have you spent on the phone with your SO (significant other). I envy you because you get to see the person you fell in love with. I never got that chance :'( But that is a moot point now. LDR's can and do work. It is much more difficult than a "traditional" relationship and they are not for everybody. May to December romances can also work. Combining the two was too much for her to handle. But since we are BOTH heartbroken over this, dont suggest the feelings that we had for each other was a fantasy. Im sure she would disagree with you as well.

[namemyname]

Never meeting someone is NOT a relationship. Period. It's sheer fantasy. And, until you recognize that, you'll never grow beyond this, and likely will seek out something equally unfulfilling, albeit safe, in the future.

Do you know what she looks like in the morning? Do you know how her hair smells? Do you know how she treats waitstaff? Do you know if she pets the dog, or pushes me out of her way with her foot?

Point is, you know NOTHING about this girl, besides what she's led you to believe, and what you have conjured up in your own fantasy world.

As for me? I pick men that are actual viable options, and not imaginary fantasies.

[michelle23]

Browncoat I totally get that you have strong feelings for her and Im not saying they are not real BUT if you two moved in together now-there is a high chance that you would want to kill each other within a year. What we mean by it being a fantasy is that you are infatuated by her which is normal for any new relationship-regardless of distance. And you would have to have regular dates, one on one contact, spend a lot of quality time together etc before jumping into living together.

If you saw two 20 year olds who were moving in together after 6 months, engaged a month later and pregnant a month after that-what would you say? And then they split up a month after the baby is born.. what would you say? When it all happens too fast it ends in tears.

All we are saying is you have no idea what a real relationship with her would be like if you saw each other and spent time together every day. It could be hell

[browncoat]

I appreciate your opinion, but I will humbly disagree with you. Not everybody thinks the way you do, and obviously I doubt that we will able to agree with each other on this. If you thoroughly read the whole blog, she didn't even want to try and meet. And while we were not in a relationship as you would define it, we still developed deep emotions for each other. Relationships come in many forms and levels, not just physical contact. You dont love your BF just because you can see and touch him. Physical contact adds to your relationship, but you fall in love because of the way you feel about a person,not because you can "feel" them So if it makes you happy, I will rephrase "relationship" and say that our potential relationship was never given a chance. And obviously a long distance,May to December romance is not for you, so no worries

[VincenzoG91]

Browncoat (I get the reference, and I'm a fan, too), I don't think that you did anything wrong. Your marriage had gone bad, you tried to save it, and it didn't work out. Naturally, you poured out your heart to a friend while your marriage was ending, and then you developed feelings for your friend. But 19 years and extreme long distance is a tough combination to overcome. One of you would need to go into exile to bridge that distance, and there would still be the significant age difference. So that didn't work out either. I suggest that your next step is to date locally, strictly locally. Meet and date women that you can get to know face to face right away, to discover if there is compatibility and chemistry before jumping to any extreme conclusions. You learned a lot about relationships from your marriage and your online thing, and now you can put that knowledge to use on some real dates. Good luck.

[basilandthyme]

The only thing I don't understand, and probably never will, is why my friend uses the way she feels now (doubts,fears,circumstances) as a foundation for how things WILL be in the future.

These are her gut feelings - and gut feelings should never be ignored because they are rarely wrong. We're not talking about her making a small risk to be with you - you're wanting her to uproot and leave her friends and family to be with a guy she's never met who is much older with a mountain of baggage.

Tell me, if this was your daughter asking for the advice, what would you tell her? Would you tell her to ignore her concerns about moving countries to be with an older man who she's never met who already has kids and an ex? I know that if my daughter came to me in the same position, I'd advise her to trust her gut instinct. I'd also be telling her that there are many wonderful men her own age who live locally and have no baggage.

Speaking of parents, what do her parents think of the situation?

[browncoat]

Her dad passed when she was 1.5 years old. Her mum raised her by herself and has never approved of any of her BF. No, I get the whole gut instinct thing. If I go back 2 months, she had reservations, but she was willing to have a test drive. That is what we called it least She was all up to visit and see what happened after that. Even on the morning that it all fell apart, everything was good. But after a visit from her mum, all went bad. So whatever her mum had to say really affected her.
Its just hard to accept that now she doesn't even want to meet and see what happens. Like I said, she is allowing her feelings now to dictate how she will always feel. I think its messed up, but Im gonna have to accept it and do my best to move on AFTER my divorce is final. And in my opinion, calling kids "baggage" is kinda harsh dont you think? Would you want to be called that?

[basilandthyme]

Oh for heaven's sake, why would a young girl with the world at her feet uproot, leave her friends and family to move countries to be with an old guy she's never met who has kids and a divorce under his belt? Seriously dude, you're delusional if you think this was ever going to pan out. And I'm mid 40's so don't accuse me of being ageist.

Frankly, her feelings are logical and sensible and are likely to become reality if she does move. You talk about her concerns coming from her lack of maturity and experience, but she actually sounds more grounded than you do. She's being logical but you're living in a romantic fantasy.

And I ask again, if your daughter was in this situation, would you advise her to ignore her concerns, emigrate and find out if she could actually live with this fellow she's never met?

Baggage is a generic term for stuff from our old life which prevents us from moving forward with a clean slate.