Is it really over for good?

[toknow]

Browncoat, I don't know much about your connection with this girl. But if that's real love, then what is there stop you.
If there is love, there is a way. Love can take all these seemingly huge obstacles and turn them into formalities.

People that have never experienced real love, will not understand this, so don't try to explain to them. It can work out, all you two need is lots of love - the rest will fall into place.

It might seem she is young and the "the world is at feet" but that's an illusion that lasts for an instant. In no time she'll be your age.
Nothing she can accomplish would be greater than finding true love.

Her mom talking to her can definitely confuse her. Most mothers would be against it, and for a good reason, but if there is real love involved, then her mom is wrong to try to stop it. Look around you, how many people do you see who are crazy about each other 20, 30 years after being together. It's very rare, and if you have it, you have found the only thing that's real in this life.

Be patient with her. If you love her, don't disappear from her life. Tell her you will be her friend if that's what she wants. If your feelings are genuine and hers are too, she will respond.

[basilandthyme]

toknow, what about the girl's current behaviour leads you to believe she has "true love" for this guy?

[browncoat]

I think you are missing my point. I am not asking her to move here tomorrow without ever meeting. This isn't some type of mail order bride situation. Ok, we meet. If we have the same feelings or whatever in person as we do online etc, then we start a ldr. We visit as much as we can and see how it goes. You know, real dating. if she decides that she wants to have a long term relationship, Im all in. If not we say goodbye. At least at that point we would have tried. I do respect her for not wanting to "waste" time and money if it goes nowhere. On the other side of the coin, we would have been able to travel and experience a bit more.
As far as my daughter is concerned,since I do have one, if she got involved with someone in the same situation, I would be supportive. I would advise her to take it slow, communicate, invest in the potential, and to follow her heart. Love knows no age or distance.
There are people out there who dont agree with May to December relationships, long distance relationships, same sex, different religions/cultures, the list goes on... You personally may not agree with my situation, and from the sound of it you dont. Its your opinion and I respect it. But dont make it sound like I was doing anything wrong. She knew what she was doing the whole time as well as me. We are both adults. She decided that being involved in our type of relationship is something that she was not ready for or wanted at all. Chalk it up as another life experience.

[VincenzoG91]

Her dad passed when she was 1.5 years old. Her mum raised her by herself and has never approved of any of her BF. No, I get the whole gut instinct thing. If I go back 2 months, she had reservations, but she was willing to have a test drive. That is what we called it least She was all up to visit and see what happened after that. Even on the morning that it all fell apart, everything was good. But after a visit from her mum, all went bad. So whatever her mum had to say really affected her.
Its just hard to accept that now she doesn't even want to meet and see what happens. Like I said, she is allowing her feelings now to dictate how she will always feel. I think its messed up, but Im gonna have to accept it and do my best to move on AFTER my divorce is final. And in my opinion, calling kids "baggage" is kinda harsh dont you think? Would you want to be called that?

She has daddy issues. The big age difference plays into that. And there are probably other people telling her to steer clear of you. All that on top of a huge distance, and it's easy to see why she has major misgivings. Just date locally and get on with your life.

[browncoat]

[QUOTE=VincenzoG91;916588]She has daddy issues. The big age difference plays into that. And there are probably other people telling her to steer clear of you. All that on top of a huge distance, and it's easy to see why she has major misgivings. Just date locally and get on with your life.[/QUOT
We talked about the age difference and she does not have a daddy issue. I never looked at her as being younger than me and she didn't treat me as a father figure. I will agree that everybody she talked to told her it would not work and to stay away. I buy into the philosophy of "When writing the story of your life, don't let anybody else hold the pen."
I understand her misgivings and I will move on once my divorce is final. The most heart-breaking issue in all of this is I lost my best friend :'(

[basilandthyme]

Have you considered that all the 'reasons' she doesn't want to go are just excuses? The reason behind her not coming is very likely the simple fact that she no longer wants to be with you. She may have even found a local boy and hasn't told you.

Having said that, if she's so important to you, why don't you move to where she is? If you think it's fair that she gives up family, friends and job to be with you - then you should be able to do the same in return for her.

[IndiReloaded]

Even if your marriage is/was over, this other woman was just an emotional crutch to help you through the turbulence. Its as common as rocks what you are going through. So yes, its over and yes, you should spend some time alone rebalancing before jumping into another relationship.

Focus on your children. They didn't ask for any of this. Good luck.

[IndiReloaded]

As far as my daughter is concerned, since I do have one, if she got involved with someone in the same situation, I would be supportive.

I'm sure you really aren't an asshole, but this sure makes you come across as one. This^ makes your daughter sound an afterthought. In reality she should be your priority. Also that of any future partner of yours. You and your children come as a package deal. You can't expect some girl (and she really is just that) in her early 20s to really 'get' the responsibility required of a parent. Nor should she try too, she still has a lot of living to do.

When you have healed, I suggest you try a site like e-harmony. I met my SO there. You will find like-minded people who share your values and maturity level and, depending on your work, someone of similar professional status (if this is important to you).

[IndiReloaded]

I DO want to meet her! I do want to have a real relationship with her. I am willing to do almost anything to be with her! I want to be able to marry her and live together with her for the rest of our lives!

Read this^ and try to be objective. Not easy, I know.

You are in the process of divorce. With children. You are saying you want to marry and be with for the rest of your life a woman you have never actually met.

You are using this as a tourniquet for your spurting divorce wound. Apply pressure, let the blood come back to your head and look at how things are, not how you want them to be.

Been there, done that, btw. Hang in there. This too shall pass. Really.

Btw you might want to check out this forum. The posters there are far more experienced.
talkaboutmarriage.com