Me vs. My boyfriend's sister

[namemyname]

You're not going to win this one, hon. Blood is thicker than water, so if you continue to try and drive a wedge in their relationship, or pull him away from his family, you won't win.

Clearly your BF feels the need to step up and be a father/partner figure in her life.

I have a close friend who was also widowed with a 4 and 2 year at home. You seriously can't imagine how painful that is for little kids, and I was happy to see many of her guy friends jump in and help her and her kids out.

I think your best option, is to find her a boyfriend. If she has a relationship of her own, she will rely on your BF less.

[Miss_California]

Yes, I have urged him to do it with me. He was all for it for awhile. There's a lot of issues concerning his family and the control they have over him that I need someone to listen to. Also I know i am not easy and I have an anger issue but I did not bring up this issue in anger.

I will start calling and asking around for some places for couples counseling. I feel like if he refuses to go I don't know what to do. I need someone sit on the other end and give us their opinion on the situation and teach us how to communicate. I love him but we have a lot of issues and all I know is if we just learned how to communicate our issues things would be better. Obviously he shut down and got defensive and did not even try to listen to my side if things.

He's calm down now and were fine, but I know if we don't find a solution to the way we communicate it is just gonna be a nasty downward spiral.

[namemyname]

Your problem isn't communication, though.

It's that you want him to be an entirely different person.

[Miss_California]

I don't want him to change completely. Of course I understand that he has to be with his family, but I don't feel like a priority.

[Wakeup]

Well I let it out just now. It didn't end good.

Needless to say, at the end of the conversation he was not listening to me and started defending his sister. It was all really awkward and he started bringing up a lot of things in the past and called me ungrateful.

Seriously, all I wanted was a say in what to do in our relationship with our free time and its like I have now I have lost yhis battle. He gave me lip about I'm about to take you to the movies and get dinner and all did was complain about the time we don't spend. Like we aren't spending time right now. In which I get his argument, but it's like wtf.

It was my fault I didn't project the argument in a letter and not during a time were we are about to go on a date. He does get it but now it's as if he begrudgingly argees to go on a getaway with me. I lost this one.

Well, the timing was off. He was going to spend time with you and you put him on the defensive, but thats water under the bridge now. He may have gotten defensive but perhaps he's now realizine that he has to compromise his time between his sister and you and that you don't mind babysitting some of the time but it shouldn't always be you and he that does it.

Don't regret that you told him how you're feeling but perhaps an apology for the timing is in order and perhaps another question to ask him if he understands any of what you're trying to let him know about how you're feeling.

I don't want him to change completely. Of course I understand that he has to be with his family, but I don't feel like a priority.

I think that was clear and I also think that you can get this resolved with just a little patience and some right timing.

[namemyname]

Someone in your family of origin didn't choose you (as you perceived), which is why you're in this situation.

Was one of your parents unfaithful, alcoholic, narcissistic, etc.? Someone was absent emotionally from your life, and made you feel like you weren't important.

When we, as adults, put ourselves in relationships where we want someone to make a difficult choice (this happens a lot with affairs where the other woman wants the married man to leave his family for her) or like you, asking him to choose between family and you, it usually goes back to something in childhood.

I'd think on that a while, and ask yourself if this thing with your BF is just one giant, painful trigger that you're living out.

[Miss_California]

None of that. I came from a household in which my mother and father sacrificed a lot to give to their children (and still do) and make sure they were fed, clothed, loved and their immediate needs (within reason) were met.

I don't get where you're trying to go here.

I just want my boyfriend to listen and understand that I don't think the way his sister treats him or their entire family is right. Sure I understand the circumstances but he cannot be playing the role of a hero all the time when there are his other relationships he needs to keep in mind

[TablesandChairs]

Your only way out of this is to get out of the sisters pocket; this means getting different jobs and not relying on her financially. Is that possible? The reason she gets away with murder is because she has the $$ that everyone seems to live off.

[michelle23]

I understand how you feel. Working for family can be really tough. They always expect too much from you. I used to work for my aunt and even though most of my time there was pleasant-I did find it hard to say no if I was asked to work overtime sometimes coz family are good at making you feel obligated as well as guilty..

My bf works for his aunt and uncle and they do take advantage of him also. They have him working at least 60 hours a week for about 450euro plus he is expected to do a ton of overtime and sometimes he even drops their kids home which is half an hour out of his way or sometimes mind them for a couple of hours at our house after work.. It does piss me off sometimes. On the days that he gets home early I just want him all to myself. He may say "ill cut the grass" or "ill clean upstairs" and Im like "no!" lol "we can do it at the weekend, just want to spend time together right now" coz I never know in advance if he has to do overtime or not tomorrow.

A few times I have gone on jobs with him just so we can fit in an extra few hours together but that is boring and I would prefer not to sit in a van bored to tears while he runs around fitting tyres. The last time we got lost and it took two hours to find the place and didnt get home till 12 and then I said never again. It may be boring waiting at home for him to come back but at least I can watch the tv or listen to music or meet friends or whatever. Beats sitting in a van driving round in circles.

I love him though and I love his family as well as the kids. We go to their house for barbecues sometimes and they are really generous people. I know if we had kids they would offer to look after them for us sometimes, they have helped us out with trying to find a home to buy, they would give us a loan if we asked etc they are good people but I think they expect too much from him. I will be glad when he gets a new job and can live his life without getting phonecalls on his time off saying "the alarm went off, can you drive down and check the place", "can you go and take out tyres for so and so as they got a job", etc

sorry for rambling on haha.

I think you need to figure out if you can accept this long term. The thing is I dont feel second best to his family. I am his family and he puts me first even before his mum. They also have a great relationship and I love her but still I come first. if you feel like you are not a priority than I would consider leaving him

I know he dreads the phone ringing as much as I do when we are just about to cuddle on the couch and put on a DVD, he gets quite frustrated and stressed out coz he knows if he complains they will say "you know where the door is". And he needs that job so we can afford to live together. If one of us got let go-we could not afford our rent, bills etc... Perhaps your bf does not like this anymore than you do but there aint much he can do about it right now.

I dont think you should complain about minding the kids-they are his nieces/nephews after all and its great that he is good with them. At least you know he will make a good daddy if you are going to complain just ask him would he consider trying to get another job somewhere else.