Me vs. My boyfriend's sister

[Miss_California]

I don't know how to talk to my boyfriend about his family situation and how it affects me. Hopefully this isn't too long or hard to read.

My boyfriend is amazing. I love him so much, but I feel like I am not a priority in his life. Yes he takes care of me, pays the rent and bills...but when it comes to our free time, it's often helping out his widowed sister.

Before I dive into that, I need to give you some background on their relationship. I don't wanna come out looking like a bitch for even bringing this up.

My boyfriend's sister is the queen bee of the family. She is the breadwinner due to the fact she runs a very successful business. She also employs most her family, including my boyfriend. I used to work for her too until I got fed up with her condescending nature and her erratic behavior in the workplace. I worked there for two years (me and my boyfriend have been dating for over a year). She is a good person deep down, but she is a high strung and rather intimidating. At family parties I only say hello to her, but a hug would be out of the question. She is not very warm and inviting.

My boyfriend's entire family goes out their way for her and her two kids (4 and 2). For the longest time, she was employing nannies who would come in and out the door. They never last. She also had her oldest sister at her disposal in regards of childcare for these children. So much that she spent the majority of her time taking care of those kids (even with these nannies) without pay for the first two years. Finally, she got fed up with her taking advantage of, she asked to be compensated for her time because she has a mortgage and bills to pay and most of her time is used up on providing her sister free childcare (when this woman has all the means to hire help when needed).

Everything that me and my boyfriend do seems to be centered around his sister and what she wants to do on the weekends. There have been plenty of weekends in which me and my s.o. are left taking care of the kids while she is out spending time with her friends on wine trips, dinners and nights out of town to the city.

Recently, my s.o. asked his sister to borrow her boat (that's been parked in front of their parents home for 3 years) for the 4th of July weekend to take up me and one of her late husbands friends. Since she relies on my boyfriend to attend all these social events with her friends, he has become part of her sewing circle. However, it seems as if she wants to pick the friends she wants to maintain. Often times the ones she would rather neglect are the friends from her late husbands side of things.

I digress. She refused to let him take the boat unless she made this friend of theirs take a insurance policy out for the three days and paid for the trailer to get fixed and all the Marina fees associated with having the boat on the water. He was furious that she could ask him to ask their friend of such things when she often takes her friends up to their vacation homes and pays for the entire trip.

For two days, he began to see everything in a different light. How she continues to take and take from all members of her family and gives everyone a hard time and never reciprocates the favor.

I am more in complaint of how I don't want my boyfriend being taking advantage of anymore. I spent my weekend taking care of those babies and helping out because i am a good girlfriend. When I ask him to do something for me, like go to brunch on the weekend or when I requested to go on a beach vacation for our anniversary, he gives me sooooooo much lip about it. However, it seems like he will jump through hoops just to keep his sister content so he can receive things in return. I feel like I may have to be a breadwinner in our relationship in order to be calling all the shots.

When he was bitching about his sister, I kind of made the joke about how he is the new husband and I am just his girlfriend. He did start to think towards the "yeah, I could be spending my time with my girlfriend but I spend it taking care of your kids" notion, but it was immediately forgotten after saying it aloud. His other niece and nephew (much older, close to my age) brought up about how their aunt has always been this way and their entire family has always been so quick to jump when she says so. She plays the queen bee role so well and it doesn't fly so well with me because when it comes to my relationship, I get the short end of the stick.

I don't know how to make this all better or how to bring up this conversation to him without starting a fight. Even his older brother (who is probably the one one who doesn't enable her) told my s.o. he does not have to jump all these extra hoops to attend these social events and help with the kids on the weekends. He even went out of his way to say that he should start charging "overtime" if that were the case because its not fair to put his life aside to keep hers in line.

Please help or offer advice. Not sure how to handle this. We are very serious in our relationship, but she has so much control over him that I do not know how to deal since I am aware family will always trump the s.o. in plenty of situations. Including this one.

[AbigailR]

This is a tough situation. My only advice is to be careful about how you bring this up to him. It's his sister and she lost her husband and is now a single mother of 2, so it's probably a sensitive subject for him. Don't make jokes about it and don't make her out to be the bad guy because he'll probably just get really defensive.

[Boisdevie]

In an ideal world you should be able to have an adult conversation about this. But back here in the world of 'reality' the fact that he's paying for your lifestyle might make him think he's the grown up in the relationship and so he decides? Why not pay your way rather than being a passenger and then you might morally have more right to tell him what you want?

[Miss_California]

It is very sensitive. I do care about his family and understand that his sister is a widow with two kids who are wonderful. Even though I want some time alone with him, even I go along with him (always, never any lip) and help him take care of those kids. His sister is definitely not kind to him which is my complaint. She berates and tells at him a lot, during work and in front of employees. However she gets her sweet side and asks him of his free time and its just hard because I'm afraid that I will never be a priority here. I'm not asking for much. I don't ask to spend all my time with him, I just want to do something nice for the both of us really. I love his family and him a lot. I just don't have much say on what I want to do

[Miss_California]

I have paid vacations and trips on my behalf in the past. Because he allows me to live with him rent free (I also have asked to help out several times with rent but he refuses. I do my due diligence with paying for groceries, cleaning and taking care of him due to his disability).

I still pay for my own things when to comes to clothes and necessities. I never ask him for money. I only ask we go out here or there time to time and most of Otis shot down due to the fact we are helping out his sister.

[Wakeup]

We are very serious in our relationship, but she has so much control over him that I do not know how to deal since I am aware family will always trump the s.o. in plenty of situations. Including this one.

Then welcome to your present and your future. This is how it will be unless he has some kind of motivation to change it up.

Me? I'd just not enable any of it. I'd tell him that I'm not babysitting on the weekends anymore and that if he wants to he, can but I'll be out with my girlfriends taking advantage of the beautiful weather. Do get a job (if you don't have one now ~ it's not clear) so that you have a sense of independence. Perhaps if you feel like you're not reliant on him to have all your fun, you'll be less sussed that he cowtows to the "queen bee." Where are your friends your hobbies, your other interests besides him?

Maybe if you printed out your Opening post and redid it in the form of a letter to him, you'd get a dialogue going on how upset with things you're becoming and he'll actually listen to you instead of dismissing you just to go back to the status quo.

[AbigailR]

Just tell him what you have to say, but be gentle about it. Lay it all out there and see what he does with it.

[Miss_California]

Me? I'd just not enable any of it. I'd tell him that I'm not babysitting on the weekends anymore and that if he wants to he, can but I'll be out with my girlfriends taking advantage of the beautiful weather.

Funny thing is, his niece told me this same thing yesterday. She said to quit babysitting and do my own thing.

I have been spending plenty of time with him and his family due to heir situations. I take care of my boyfriend because he has a disability and help him manage his day with my help. It's just hard to let him do it all by himself because I do care about him and want to make his day easier.

But I guess he should start doing these things himself to see that he is not physically fit to run around and take care of babies anymore because at the end of the day he's too exhausted to even take care of my needs.

[Wakeup]

Funny thing is, his niece told me this same thing yesterday. She said to quit babysitting and do my own thing.

I think you'd do well to stop making excuses why you can't let your boyfriend be on his own. First you have to believe that he's quite capable before he'll believe it.

I have been spending plenty of time with him and his family due to heir situations. I take care of my boyfriend because he has a disability and help him manage his day with my help.

What did he do before you came into the picture? He's not doing the babysitting then. You're doing it and he's expecting that you do.

It's just hard to let him do it all by himself because I do care about him and want to make his day easier.

Just because you don't cater their every whim it does not mean that you care any less for him or his family. You are becoming dis-enchanted with the whole situation but you're haven't given him any indication that you are so he believes that you're fine with it. You not looking after her children has nothing to do with your care of your boyfriend. It's his choice to be at her beck and call now, he's making you be at his beck and call. It's a viscious circle of cowtowing.

But I guess he should start doing these things himself to see that he is not physically fit to run around and take care of babies anymore because at the end of the day he's too exhausted to even take care of my needs.

Yes, First let him know that you have needs that he's not taking into account (like I said, write him a letter based on what you've said in your opening post if you have to) and then let him know that you're not going to keep just doing without at least getting your needs met equally to hers and her children's. He has no Idea how far your disenchantment with the situation is. I think if he did, he'd work to make you just as happy as he works to make her happy.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

This is the thing about relationships.......not only you are in a relationship with him, but you are with his family.....they come as a package deal and you get what you get. You have seen how their dynamics work, they depend on her for their income, and all the time you have been together it hasn't changed. It is what it is.

Now if your expectations are not being fulfilled, you have no choice but to talk to him about it and come up with a compromise to have quality time together. Maybe suggest that you alternate weekends with other members of the family. This might take more than one conversation but I'm sure if he sees how it is affect your relationship he will adjust things.


IF he does not and things do not change, be prepared to leave him. There is no point in staying in a relationship where you are in constant resentment with his relationship with his sister. If he can't break the chains of obligation with her, there's nothing stopping you from saying "I'm done, I'm out of here."

[Miss_California]

Thanks for this. I know that when it comes to relationship, his family are a huge part of it. It's often hard to deal with that, especially since his sister is a very strong presence in his life since she is his source of income. He does not see it this way and sees it as growing the family business and he's just little brother trying to help out his family. He does plenty for them and I feel he does not get much in return from her.

I am going to have to find the words to say and discuss this with him because in the end, if my happiness and needs aren't meant, then I don't want to grow resentful about his family. I'd rather just end things before we actually take our relationship to the next steps. As much as I love him, I am too a person in this relationship.

[Wakeup]

You're a smart chickie... My money is on the fact that you'll get it resolved to a happy compromise.

[Miss_California]

Well I let it out just now. It didn't end good.

Needless to say, at the end of the conversation he was not listening to me and started defending his sister. It was all really awkward and he started bringing up a lot of things in the past and called me ungrateful.

Seriously, all I wanted was a say in what to do in our relationship with our free time and its like I have now I have lost yhis battle. He gave me lip about I'm about to take you to the movies and get dinner and all did was complain about the time we don't spend. Like we aren't spending time right now. In which I get his argument, but it's like wtf.

It was my fault I didn't project the argument in a letter and not during a time were we are about to go on a date. He does get it but now it's as if he begrudgingly argees to go on a getaway with me. I lost this one.

[AbigailR]

Well that was bad timing. Can you think of anything you might have said to make him feel defensive? If it's just him not wanting to listen then you should start thinking about what you want to do if he's not willing to work things out.

[smackie9]

Have you two considered couples counseling? It might be a better choice and learn how to communicate with each other with a professional to mediate.