Why don't guys want to leave their parents homes?

[MyDeafHavana]

I want to move out, I'm 100% mentally ready, but my 20 year old boyfriend says he's too scared. I offered the compromise of 'think about it properly over a 6 months or so period of time to mentally prepare', no dice. I then offered the compromise of 'don't even think about it, just open a savings account so you're at least financially prepared when the time comes', again, no dice, apparently too scary. I know neither of us are financially ready yet so the actual step of moving out is years away! I just want him to think about it for me, is that too much to ask? Really? He gave me a promise/pre engagement ring for our 3 month anniversary so was that bullshit, does he not want to commit? Help! I don't want to lose him but I'm getting the impression this is going nowhere, fast.

[michelle23]

3 months is not enough time to plan an engagement, wedding, living together, babies. You are going way too fast girl. Slow down. I was 19 when I met my bf and did not even think about moving in together till we were together like 2 and a half years and we finally did when we were together 3 years. The first year living together is the hardest and can cause a lot of conflict-even lead to breaking up if you are not ready for it. My first year living with my bf was hard, we argued occasionally over silly things like who's gonna do the dishes, I hated that house, never settled there and was unhappy a lot of the time (plus I was grieving the loss of a relative and it was hard), I hated cooking coz we didnt have a dishwasher and I was sick to death of washing dishes. The house was damp, it took a week to dry our clothes and we didnt have a tumble dryer and there was always 2 or 3 baskets full of dirty washing. I got mad at him over ridiculous things like calling to his mum on the way home and being able to relax and drink coffee while I had to scrub dishes and cook and he got mad at me for not plugging all the electrics out at night and closing all the doors encase of a fire. I got mad coz he left lights on all over the house and spent ages in the shower and I was afraid we couldnt afford the electric bill.

It takes time to adapt to such a big change. lots of couples end up in a huge power struggle and just break up coz they cant handle it. We had our share of good times in that house too and eventually learned that the little things dont matter. I told him I want a new house with a dishwasher, dryer, bath and open fire and a house that is more modern and warmer. We found a perfect house and couldnt be happier. We never argue now and are stronger as a couple.

You need to go slow, enjoy being young and free with no responsibilities. Believe me I miss my mothers dinners being put in front of me everyday at 6pm and my clothes being washed for me. Moving out is HARD WORK and you have to be a very strong couple to survive that first year without killing each other

I know living with parents can be hard as you have to be really discreet and quiet when it comes to sex and stuff but you still need to take your time. You have the rest of your life to move out of home. Wait another 2 years to discuss it and just enjoy spending time together, have fun, save your money for a romantic holiday together in the sun, go out clubbing together, get drunk, dance on a pool table with him or on the bar, go sightseeing together, cinema, eat out etc. Do it all while you can coz when you start paying rent, bills, shopping-you will not always be able to do those things.

[HeartIsAching]

Beats the hell outta me... I signed my contract with the Army 4 days after I turned 17 and split. Maybe your bf's a pussy?

[MyDeafHavana]

3 months is not enough time to plan an engagement, wedding, living together, babies. You are going way too fast girl. Slow down. I was 19 when I met my bf and did not even think about moving in together till we were together like 2 and a half years and we finally did when we were together 3 years. The first year living together is the hardest and can cause a lot of conflict-even lead to breaking up if you are not ready for it. My first year living with my bf was hard, we argued occasionally over silly things like who's gonna do the dishes, I hated that house, never settled there and was unhappy a lot of the time (plus I was grieving the loss of a relative and it was hard), I hated cooking coz we didnt have a dishwasher and I was sick to death of washing dishes. The house was damp, it took a week to dry our clothes and we didnt have a tumble dryer and there was always 2 or 3 baskets full of dirty washing. I got mad at him over ridiculous things like calling to his mum on the way home and being able to relax and drink coffee while I had to scrub dishes and cook and he got mad at me for not plugging all the electrics out at night and closing all the doors encase of a fire. I got mad coz he left lights on all over the house and spent ages in the shower and I was afraid we couldnt afford the electric bill.

It takes time to adapt to such a big change. lots of couples end up in a huge power struggle and just break up coz they cant handle it. We had our share of good times in that house too and eventually learned that the little things dont matter. I told him I want a new house with a dishwasher, dryer, bath and open fire and a house that is more modern and warmer. We found a perfect house and couldnt be happier. We never argue now and are stronger as a couple.

You need to go slow, enjoy being young and free with no responsibilities. Believe me I miss my mothers dinners being put in front of me everyday at 6pm and my clothes being washed for me. Moving out is HARD WORK and you have to be a very strong couple to survive that first year without killing each other

I know living with parents can be hard as you have to be really discreet and quiet when it comes to sex and stuff but you still need to take your time. You have the rest of your life to move out of home. Wait another 2 years to discuss it and just enjoy spending time together, have fun, save your money for a romantic holiday together in the sun, go out clubbing together, get drunk, dance on a pool table with him or on the bar, go sightseeing together, cinema, eat out etc. Do it all while you can coz when you start paying rent, bills, shopping-you will not always be able to do those things.

Okay well for a start I didn't say engaged, I said pre-engagement, it's a promise ring not an engagement ring :') And I know we aren't moving out tomorrow, I just want him to grow up and think about it, we aren't financially ready but he's too 'scared' to even save up for it? It's like I wanna be financially prepared when the time DOES come to move out at least. Neither of us enjoy clubbing or drinking or anything like that we're more quiet night in people and we like to do traditional things like dinner and movie dates I know how money and all stuff like that works because I actually financially support my mother because she refuses to work, I'm not naive, and I'm not rushing either, I just want him to compromise a bit because it feels like it's always me giving something I want up and never him

[michelle23]

Regardless I still think it is too soon to put pressure on him for such a big committment. How long are you together? It sounds to me like you are still in the getting to know each other stage, the honeymoon period. It is not wise to be impulsive during this time. You dont really know how strong you are together as a team unless something major happens like a close relative dying or one of you losing your job and struggling financially or one of you suffering from an illness etc. Those things are huge tests to your relationship-so is adapting to living together or having a baby. You need to climb a mountain together and get through a few obstacles and become stronger because of them in order to know for sure that you are good together.

There is no harm in taking things slow. If you want to move out of home, do it.. Get a female flat mate. You dont need him to agree to anything right now. He is not ready and you need to accept that and stop pushing. Its not fair to him-nor would it be fair to you if it was the other way round..

If you cannot accept that - then you need to end this relationship and find a man who can reassure you with words that he is committed to you. Remember though words are just words and without actions to back those words up-they mean nothing. This guy has told you he is not ready to think about moving in with you yet coz he wants to see how things go between you for now and he doesnt want to make promises that he may not keep. Sounds like a good guy to me.. The next could promise you the earth, the stars and the full moon and never follow through with any of it.

[Archie]

He does not know where he'll be next month/year/decade. He doesn't have his future figured out yet, thus he's not giving it a thought, because as soon as he does, he gets in conflict with himself over what will be his next step after you two move in together. What if he decides to study abroad? He's only 20, that's high school years. Will he have a good job by the time you move in together, will he be able to provide, will you be able to provide? I don't think either of you can give an answer to what does the future have in store for you. Also, yeah, it's far too soon to be thinking of living together. Engagement rings are nice and all, but in the end they're just shackles.

Saving up is a good idea though, he should do that no matter what the cause.

--
I've never moved in with any of my girlfriends, well, not officially. I've spend days living in her apartment and so has she spent in mine, but we never moved in together, just left some of our stuff at each others so we would feel at home, but we didn't have our futures figured out, so that was a compromise we decided upon.

[MyDeafHavana]

Oh no he's not a study abroad kinda guy he loves his job that he has know and earns a really good wage. I mean I wanna do all that really fun-young-coupley stuff like holidays to exotic places etc too but it'd be nice to have kind of a goal, i'm a goal having kinda person because i had a really whirlwind childhood and never knew what was in store for me. I won't bore you with the soppy details but I basically raised myself from the age of 5. I just think it'd be kinda nice if he considered that and gave me the security of at least knowing what's in store for myself. If i'm in a dead end kinda thing I wanna know now so I can focus on other stuff, and so he can too? I don't wanna be wasting each others time, and I don't want him to agree to things he doesn't want either. But it would be nice if our relationship was a two way street instead of always his way.

[michelle23]

Is this the only issue/disagreement you are having? Is there other problems too you havnt mentioned? How are things always "his way"?

I get that you want to feel secure but you cant depend on a guy to make you feel that way as s**t happens. Even if he did tell you he wants to marry you, move in with you a year from now, 2 years from now and have 4 kids-there is still no guarantee. There is no guarantee he will always love you or want you or respect you or that you will always be able to trust him or that you will always want to be with him.. That is why you need to focus on YOUR future right now. get a good job, be independent, able to take care of yourself. If you dont have a very supportive family-make sure you have lots of friends and hobbies that you can turn to if it doesn't work out with your bf.

I am also a planner and I need to feel secure as I also had difficulties in my early childhood but I feel secure because I am independent and strong, have my own money, good friends, great family. I know I would be okay if things didn't work out with my bf. You cannot depend on someone else to make you feel strong, safe, secure etc coz if that person disappears all of that strength goes with them. It has to come from within you so you know you can handle whatever life throws at you and you will be fine no matter what happens.

He told you he loves you, gave you a promise ring. Why cant that be enough for you right now? Its still early days. 8 months is not that long. The reality is if this guy didnt want to be with you-he wouldnt be so you need to just take his word that he is committed to you and hope for the best in the future

[Archie]

You will find out in good time what you mean to each other. It's not something that you can plan out beforehand - "I'll date you(1) for 3 months, then after the break up I'll date you(2) for a year, then I'll have a one night stand with you(3) and break up with (2), then after a year I'll get back together with you(1)" - kind of thing. You don't plan this out. I know, this sounded stupid.

Everything we can experience in life is uncertain, everything can happen during the time you're together. For all you know, this relationship could be a dead end, but it could also be the biggest thing in both your lives. That is why you don't plan anything too far ahead unless you are both absolutely sure about what you both want in the future.
He doesn't want to think about it, he's unsure where you both stand at this point. You have to be together with a person for a much longer time until you both come to a consensus on something and decide to move in together.
In fact, if someone was rushing so badly to live together with me, when I'm not ready for it, I'd have a stroke and I'd break up with them. That's too bossy.

[MyDeafHavana]

I am happy with where we are and I love the way things are and all that, I have my own personal hobbies like I'm a horse rider and a ballerina, and i'm happy to wait and see where things go, I just wanna know that they are going somewhere, like it doesn't have to be tomorrow, or the next year, or even the year after, I just wanna know that they will go somewhere eventually because i've had a lot of guys waste my time in the past, i've kind of become intolerable of guys who refuse to be self responsible I guess

[michelle23]

he cant promise you for sure that it is going somewhere. Noone can. im with my bf 5 years and we cant promise each other we will definately still be together in another 5 years. All we can say is "I love you, Im happy and I hope we will always be together" coz that is how we both feel right now. We both wana buy a house together, get married, have kids but we dont know for sure if it will happen that way. People can change, grow in different directions especially when you are young. Thats life. You may get married one day and stay together until you die, you may not. You just have to wait and see

but if everything is great between you right now-stop stirring it. Its too soon to make major commitments to each other.

[MyDeafHavana]

That's true, i know big changes can come out of no where and i'm used to picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting on with life. I'm at a point in my life where i know i'm happy with myself, but i also know i'm much happier with him

[Rowen]

Beats the hell outta me... I signed my contract with the Army 4 days after I turned 17 and split. Maybe your bf's a pussy?

HIA, there is no "maybe" in that. He's a pussy- a big one. If he's not willing to think about it, he's obviously not going to do it. So ask yourself; are you willing to be the 45 year old stay at home Mom balancing three kids in his parent's basement? My guess is no. So, give him the ultimatum- "Think about it or I can't do this. I need someone who is mature and serious."

[michelle23]

guys hes 20. they have only been together 8months-why is he the bad guy here?

[MyDeafHavana]

Oh my god no he's not like the bad guy or anything I get where he's coming from I just want to understand why he's not willing to compromise, I get why he won't actually do it yet because I wouldn't either, we aren't financially ready or anything and no good would come of moving in together when he doesn't want to yet anyway, I just wanna know why every compromise I come up with gets shot down and i'm made out to look like the bad guy by him for wanting something he at one point said he wanted?