How to trust again?

[takeachance12]

So heres some background:
I have been with my boyfriend a little over 1 year... We have had many many ups and downs but something keeps me holding on. He is 13 years older then me, with an ex wife, 3 children... I have no baggage as far as children or relationships... had one previous of 3 years but it was not a significant heart break for me as I decided it was time to move on. I met him when he had NOTHING... he had a crippling job, was moving around alot and just seemed to be emotionally unstable. blah blah blah... after 6 months he landed an amazing job that has completely transformed his life financially and his happiness. BUT for us, when he had nothing, I think our love was stronger. I lost my job a few months ago and his income supports us both as we recently moved in together. Work has always been a really fullfilling thing for him... He eats,breathes,sleeps his job. I often get mad because itll feel as it is more important than me. He even cancelled a trip for our anniversary to go to work. I guess it doesnt bother me that he loves his job, just that he puts nothing in front of it.

We went through some rocky times when I first lost my job.. we constantly argued(over everything and anything), we just hit a spot where I thought my happiness was being altered because his lack of insensitivity and support. Long story short... we took a break.. literally a few days.
He went to a high school reunion one night.. ( i didnt go) and came home and kept talking about some girl who he knew looked familiar but she changed so much... I disregarded it. I never have had trust issues with him... when he is not at work, he is with me.

A few days after that, we argued and argued and eventually I packed my stuff and went to my parents house to cool off.. I dont even remember what we argued about... so 2 days went by... we texted a few times but gave eachother space... I asked him if I could see him one night and he said he was going out with his brother... again didnt think anything of it... ( I went out with my girls that night too)... The day after he calls me and were just talking about everything... i asked him where he went.. he said he went with his brother to his friend(that is a females) promotion... Shes a promo girl.... I found it weird bc he told me that he was out til 3 am...on a work night(he never would do)

I asked her name.. he told me... I then offcourse stalked this girl and added her on Fb.. she accepted me then quickly deleted me... We went to dinner with his family the next day after not seeing him now for a few days... (this is where it all goes down hill)

I read his FB messages and saw that he thanked her for the tickets he won at her promo and then said "It was great seeing you again"... they had a few messages back and forth.. then it ended... offcourse he caught me.. but his reaction was " i have nothing to hide, I did nothing wrong."

after hours and hours of interrogating... i left and we didnt speak for 7 days...
every single status he wrote, she commented on...and liked...
I went from being extremely trusting to paranoid and insecure bc all this...

He even created an IG while we were broke up and she was the only person he was following...
Do I think something happened.. NO
Do I think he showed interest... YES
things were so aweful with us at the time.

So here we are 3 months later, I know they have had no communication yet every once in a while she comments on his statuses or likes something and my emotions run wild again...

I dont know how to get back to trusting him... I asked to pls remove her from IG and FB and He will not
I dont want to be jealous or insecure anymore....

ALso.. The more I cry and badger him about this, the more I push him away... Things have been improving constantly with us but everytime she pops up its like 5 steps back...

I am a sentimental person.. he is not.. When we argue.. instead of solving the problem when it happens, he waits for me to boil up and get upset and angry and apologizes the next day...He has a big ego and is quick to push me away, i hate that

Also i cant stand the fact that there is no compromise... I usually down play my feelings bc he tells me how much i over react..
I love the man to pieces but I go through a heart ache when it goes back to those 7 days

I just want a happy, healthy relationship...can we have that again...how do I let go?


I am sure you are all saying move on but I have invested so much of myself in this relationship..and when its good... its great

[mlh]

Honestly trust is EXTREMELY hard to gain back (which you probably already know), ESPECIALLY when Facebook or the internet is involved. I feel for you because I see you really love him. The whole Facebook thing can absolutely ruin a relationship. He obviosuly wanted attention from that girl in the absence of you those 7 days.
There is no clear answer but the first step is unplug from Facebook and IG. DO NOT go through his messages, Instagram, or go on that girl's page. No matter how innocent anything will look incriminating and bad and hurt your feelings because you are looking for something wrong. If you want to continue with the relationship then you have to vow to trust him. I'm not saying be stupid and completely ignore red flags (him hiding stuff, if on your news feed you see flirty comments) but don't LOOK for stuff, because it will only hurt you and kill the trust. The messages you found are not that bad in the grand scheme of Facebook. What I mean by that is yes, it does hurt that he showed interest. But in the privacy of Facebook messages he wasn't having cybersex or trying to meet up, etc. He isn't off the hook but he did not act out as far as cheating which shows in the back of his mind he had you in mind. He just wanted attention and now I bet he likes having that emotional control over you. You have to not let him (or her) get you too emotional. That gives him complete power in the relationship..

He should delete her from IG at the least since you asked, but if you come to him crying and begging he will not take you seriously. He will tune you out the second he hears the tears or whine because he will automatically think "Here she goes overreacting". You need to clearly say, with a clear mind and at a calm moment, "I expect you to remove her from these social medias because I don't feel comfortably with the fact y'all were talking during our break and blah blah". If he still says no you may have to soul search a little bit. Do you really want to always be nervous and skeptical? He does have the right to say no, yet you have the right to not continue dealing with this. Its not fair that he can do whatever he pleases regardless of how much it upsets you. You have to make sure he understands how much it upset and bothers you. The trick is not to hide your feelings, but more express them clearly so he understands the seriousness
The real thing is something has to change. He needs to show some sign that he does care that those 7 days hurt you. He needs to acknowledge it and apologize for you to heal. If he continues to be insensitive I think you will get burned out, hurt, he will get annoyed, and eventually the relationship will crumble anyway.

[Issues]

imo you shouldn't even try. If she doesn't trust you, then I'd just forget about it... to me it's a hassle and annoying. To me, if someone doesn't trust me I'm like "OK I'll find a better friend."

[michelle23]

just end this sorry dysfunctional mess of a relationship. i think something IS going on between them. either an emotional affair which will lead to physical OR its already gone that far.

i think its always a red flag if there is anyone sniffing around which causes insecurity or jealosy. your antenas went up for a reason. iv been with my bf nearly 5years and even though we both have male and female aquintences as well as a few friends that weve known for years before we met-there has never been any trust issues.

if i all of a sudden started to suspect something-thats when id walk coz i always say follow your instincts

[toyboy]

you should date a younger man

[Crissyhee]

Ask him to make a choice. Tell him that you honestly are uncomfortable with it. If he can't respect your feelings, he doesn't deserve you. It's either you or the girl. Be tough on it, because in any way you are his girlfriend and not her. If he's making excuses, that means he does value the girl as more than just a friend. In that case, pack your bag for a better man. You deserve better than to be treated this way.