How to tell him without hurting his ego?

[mlh]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost three years and both go to college together. We are really happy together but sometimes I really feel so unappreciated.
My boyfriend has always had financial problems (he grew up fairly poor and his mom can not afford to help him much at all). I admire that he supports himself through college with working and being a full time student. I have never let money be a deal breaker in a relationship, but lately we have gotten in a pattern where he is usually almost completely broke (after paying rent, phone bill, school supplies ) and he is dependent on me to eat and for my car. I cook dinner like every night and unless I share my food with him he would have nothing to eat besides ramen. He uses my car like it's his, but doesn't have the money for gas. If we go to his mother's house its on me to fund the trip. And honestly I don't mind that much, but I really feel unappreciated sometimes. I don't think he realizes the weight I'm carrying to feed us and transport us. I'm using my money for $50 a week groceries and filling up the car constantly transporting him back and forth to work.It gets tiring to ALWAYS be the one to have to pay and NEVER be the one who is treated to things. It would be better if he actually would say " I am so thankful that you do this". Yes, he does say thank you at dinner, but how do I explain I need more thanks and appreciation? Soon he will be coming into a little money ($1000) and I need to find out how to ask him to pitch in more without saying "I pay for everything, help me?". I don't want to hurt his ego by reminding him that he depends on me (I can already tell it hurts him without him saying so), but how do I make him understand that he should not expect me to pay for it all once he has more money? And that I want to be paid for sometimes without sounding like a gold digger? Sometimes when he has like $20 I will say "Oh hey you can pay for some dinner" and he gets annoyed and says "Thats why I never tell you when I have money, you just want to spend it". What is that supposed to mean? I pay for everything and I ask to be treated once and I am a gold digger?

[surfhb2]

Thats a tough one.

Are you sure he has no money? Does he spend it on things he doesnt need? Is your problem the fact you feel under appreciated or that it really takes a bite out of your finances? So if he just said he really appreciates your help youd be OK with all this?

You do need to say something.....I dont think its fair for you. Im curious....How much money a month do you spend on him?

Just tell him calmly that he needs to pitch in a little more on expenses.....there's nothing wrong with that since you are on a budget too.

Im just confused on what your issue is? Unappreciated? Does he treat you well? Is he a good man? Could he be telling you in other ways how much you mean to him? Guys just dont come out and say: "ya know sweety.....I really appreciates everything you do for me" - generally that is.

He wont be poor forever.....do you think his attitude will be the same when he gets older with a career? The fact that he pays for everything to support his education is VERY commendable IMO.....not many people can do that.....and should count in the kind of character your guy has. Just saying

I dont think he depending on you since if you were gone, hed still be going to school and eating ramen. I just think he might be taking advantage of a good thing a little too much....not a big deal at this point but I think it should be addressed.

[michelle23]

how long more will it be before he gets a real job? do you live together? if yes, are you also paying your share of rent etc? if no, is that an option so you can both have a little extra cash?

are you finding it difficult to make ends meet? or would you just like to be spoiled occasionally by him too? are you afraid things wont change if/when he has a steady job?

i would wait and see what happens when he gets that money. if he doesnt offer to chip in then when he has some extra cash-id be worried hes gotten too used to things the way they are now and thinks its acceptable

[mlh]

He gets his real job in about a month and we do not live together. Moving in together could be an option, which I may explore if it seems he has more cash. I do not find it hard to make ends meet but wish I had more cash leftover. Its like I spend my entire paycheck on us and have barely anything left for leisure or cushion. My biggest fear is that things wont change once money comes in. I'm really hoping it will or I will have to rethink alot

[mlh]

I think my main problem is that I need more help. I just cant keep doing this. I spend probably close to a 150-200 dollars on him a month. More some months. Thats not so much but I am a studnet on a budget too.. He is a very good boyfriend as far as attentive, sweet, helps me out alot, fun to be with and he never asks me to really do these things. I believe he has come to expect it, but he never says pay for this or " i need help, I have nothing to eat". At times when he has been so broke he can't pay his phone bill I would offer to lend him money and he would refuse saying it was too much, so I don't feel used. I just need to tell him I can't continue this without help...in a nice way because he has probably just gotten to used to it.
Sometimes it will annoy me when he gets a little money in his pocket that he will immediatly go buy new shoes or something then the next week be broke again. But when I look at the situation I think "well he does need new shoes because all of his are almost completely destroyed or broken"...its such a confusing situation.

[surfhb2]

Definitely wait for his job and money to kick in. Use it as a talking point to explain how much money you spend and how you can't keep it up. Totally fair!

Once he starts supporting himself everything will be ok....yes?

[michelle23]

its really hard when your on a budget. if you only have to wait a month or so for him to get a job-see what happens when he has more cash. he should bring you on a proper date, 3 course meal, wine when he gets his first paycheck. if he doesnt do something like that -then you will have to speak up and tell him how you feel.

me and my bf live week to week, month to month. its hard but he still takes me out once or twice a month and gets us a takeaway occasionally. ill also do the same for him when i can afford it (he earns more than me and sometimes i struggle a little but when i have extra cash-i buy him pizza or a few drinks)

[dem862]

Well, it's not like he is wasting his money on weed or booze. It sounds like he honestly doesn't have it.

[Starnique]

^^^yeah he may not have it but thats why when he gets it, he should be more then willing to help.

Thats why I am like I am. I'm not saying I'm a good digger but I cant deal with no broke ass man.

[Eldar]

It is always better to just come clean and explain it calmy, if he loves you he will understand. If he takes too harshly it was never meant to be. His concern for you, should be a huge motivator in getting a job or getting funds.

[surfhb2]

His problem isn't motivation nor is it that he wastes money.

I just think there needs to be a little more communication between you two. Stop thinking you will be thought of as a good digger and talk to him. Have you done that yet?

Who knows? After he has money and starts sharing it, his past might be helpful in not wasting money on needless things and start saving. I admire younger people who know the value of a pound/euro/dollar

Actually that might be a good Segway for you after he gets his gig! Read books on personal investing/budgeting and finance and offer that how important it is. Then use it to go over budgets for both of you

Wish I had that knowledge at your age