Does he only want sex?

[4blossoms]

I started dating this guy recently and we see each other about once a week. We email each other to set up a time to meet, but we do not talk on the phone (I am pretty awkward on the phone anyway). He said he isn't looking for a relationship at this time but that this might change in the future. I said I'm not comfortable having sex with someone I don't know well. He said that's fine and let's see how things develop. So far we've only done activities in the evening (dinner, etc.), never during the day.

Does this seem like he is just constantly trying to set things up for sex? I am open to a short-term fling but prefer to be in a long term relationship. What's the best thing to do in this situation?

I was thinking of waiting a few months before getting intimate. This would allow some time to get to know each other better. If we're good together in the bedroom, then I'd stick around for bit longer. If he doesn't want a relationship by then I'll move on.

Is this a good approach to see if he changes his mind or am I wasting my time?

[miki036]

So I can see that he wants a fling as of now. Have you tried telling him that you rather have a long term relationship? and have you already developed feelings for him?

[4blossoms]

Hi miki, I told him that I am open to a fling or LTR but prefer a LTR.

And, yes, I think I have developed feelings for him.

[basilandthyme]

If he's just wanting sex and you're OK with a fling then it's all good, yes?

[miki036]

Hi miki, I told him that I am open to a fling or LTR but prefer a LTR.

And, yes, I think I have developed feelings for him.

well if that's the case then, if he doesn't want that then let go.. you'll end up hurting yourself

[michelle23]

if he doesnt see relationship potential in you now then thats unlikely to change. you either click with someone or you dont. he already told you he doesnt want a relationship so why are you letting him buy his way into your pants. you already have feelings for him and he will hurt you if you keep this up. stop settling for second best and go find a man who wants the same things as you

[4blossoms]

Well, we have gone out on 4 dates so far. If he says he doesn't want a relationship now, do you think he will never change his mind? Is 4 dates long enough to make a definite decision that you don't want someone?

At my age (36) I wish that I could find a guy that I'm attracted to and who wants the same as me. All I get are emails from 50+ year old men. This guy is one of the few guys I've met that I've found attractive and who is close in age.

[miki036]

Well pretty much yeah.. Go for a guy, who would go after you.. not you waiting him to go after you.. you deserve better

[4blossoms]

True... But gawd, have you noticed how hard it is to find someone who really wants to be with you and who you want to be with too? It has never happened for me before! Every guy I've dated for the last 20 years pretty much just only wanted sex.

I wonder what is wrong with me that no man wants anything else!

[miki036]

ohh,, maybe then you are showing too much interest in them..
I mean it is not that hard.. if you start seeing a "different" type of guy..
what I mean is that you should be that one running, not them..

[dem862]

Women guard the gateway to sex. Men guard the gateway to commitment. He is not gonna give it up too easily. Do you know why he doesn't want a relationship? Is he at least willing to be exclusive? Does his history show a lack of intimate relationships? I think it is important to determine if he just isn't ready yet, or if he has a lifelong pattern of relationship avoidance, or a long string of short-term flings. By the late-thirties, most men have been burned enough to learn to be careful. That is not to say they don't want a relationship, but they have become jaded or skeptical.

You didn't say if he is making any moves on you. By 4 dates there should be some sexual interest at least. If not, you may not be up to his standards.

[michelle23]

i think by 4dates its enough to decide if you see relationship potential or not. your prob wasting your time with this guy. maybe you have a pattern of going for the same type each time. maybe you need to change your type. do you go for guys who have emotional baggage? maybe you want someone you can fix. 20years of dating and no luck? sorry the problem is you. now you need to figure out what your doing wrong.

id say you just have bad taste in men or maybe your too available meaning they can sense your desperate and willing to settle for any crumb they will give you even if that is only sex. men like women who are hard to get-not women who play hard to get-who are hard to get. who are fussywith high standards..

[sadbunnyface]

I don't think he is only in it for sex, because he is still around and no sex has happened, that is a huge clue he isn't. Maybe he wants companionship for now , and if you are open to having sex he probably won't turn you done, maybe he is waiting for you to give the green light.

[4blossoms]

Women guard the gateway to sex. Men guard the gateway to commitment. He is not gonna give it up too easily. Do you know why he doesn't want a relationship? Is he at least willing to be exclusive? Does his history show a lack of intimate relationships? I think it is important to determine if he just isn't ready yet, or if he has a lifelong pattern of relationship avoidance, or a long string of short-term flings. By the late-thirties, most men have been burned enough to learn to be careful. That is not to say they don't want a relationship, but they have become jaded or skeptical.

You didn't say if he is making any moves on you. By 4 dates there should be some sexual interest at least. If not, you may not be up to his standards.

dem862, he definitely wants sex and so much that he is willing to keep dating me in hopes of getting it, I think. He said his last relationship was a couple of years ago. He is actually in his early 30s.

It's hard to say if he has a lot of short term flings. I think he may have had just a lot of random hookups in the past, but it seems lots of people do these days.

[4blossoms]

i think by 4dates its enough to decide if you see relationship potential or not. your prob wasting your time with this guy. maybe you have a pattern of going for the same type each time. maybe you need to change your type. do you go for guys who have emotional baggage? maybe you want someone you can fix. 20years of dating and no luck? sorry the problem is you. now you need to figure out what your doing wrong.

id say you just have bad taste in men or maybe your too available meaning they can sense your desperate and willing to settle for any crumb they will give you even if that is only sex. men like women who are hard to get-not women who play hard to get-who are hard to get. who are fussywith high standards..

Well, I know after 20 years I definitely have bad taste in men. But right now I'm not settling for just sex because we haven't had it. I told him I wanted to know him better first. I do suck at playing hard to get and probably look too available.

I'm confused about some mixed signals from him. On our date a few days ago he did a few romantic things. We were at a bar and he serenaded me with a song. Then while we were waiting for the bus we were embracing and he was looked at me and gently brushed hair out of my eyes. We talked about our jobs / careers and the challenges we're facing. He told me not to worry because he knows I'll get through these challenges. He sounded so supportive. The next day I emailed him that I had a good time and can't wait to hear him sing more. He usually replies to my email the same day, but it's been 2 days and I haven't heard back.

Guess I am being too clingy by emailing the next day.