He keeps obsessing over my ex-es

[Rainydaze]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 months. He also happens to be my ex-boyfriend of 2 years, and we've met again this year at a friend's wedding after not contacting for 7 years. This was when the spark was re-ignited and we decided to patch back again. In the past 7 years I've had 2 other serious relationships, and he had one. This ex of his, also happens to be the girl he cheated with on me 7 years ago. Let's call her Mandy.

Mandy was the third party in our relationship 7 years ago, and used suicide several times as a reason to keep him. He admitted that he lied and cheated on me, but swore that it was always me he loved, and has tried to break up with Mandy numerous times (with her ending up in the hospital). I broke up with him regardless, and moved on, as I couldn't get over the hurt he'd caused me. He and Mandy were together in a 5 year relationship since then, before she cheated on him -this happened 1 to 2 years back.

He said that he's never really loved her, and it was her cheating incident that gave him a reason to finally leave her without feeling guilt even if anything did happen to her, like if she tries to kill herself again. He said he's never forgotten me all these years and really regrets his cheating in the past. I decided to give us another shot.

Our feelings have re-grown by heaps these 5 months and I've even told him he's the one who I want to marry and settle down with. He's really sweet and I can feel that he is sincere about me and truly regrets the past. But he has also started obsessing over my ex-es and gets very insecure and jealous. He would probe endlessly about my ex-es, and constantly compares himself with them. He'd ask questions like does my mother think I have too many boyfriends; who am I attracted to most physically etc.. He'd ask who is the one I love the most among the 3 of them. I can't really give him an answer he wants, because I'd say I loved them a lot when I was in the relationship with them as I've invested time, feelings and effort. But in terms of chemistry and interaction, he is the one I can click with the most. He's however, hardly ever satisfied with any of my answers, and says that he can't trust some of the things I say anymore.

Tricky part is that I get quite upset myself whenever he probes or gets angry over my ex-es, because I get reminded of the past and his cheating each time. And I get somewhat unhappy that he is getting pissed at me over my ex-es when it should be me getting pissed over his ex! If he hasnt cheated then I wouldn't even end up meeting my ex-es in the first place for him to even harp constantly over. Also him accusing me of loving him the least among all my boyfriends, or insisting he is not the one I really love, or saying things like I've not gotten over my ex-es, really irritates the hell out of me and we end up quarreling each time. He'd say things like I haven't gotten over my ex-es because I get so upset everytime when we talk about them, when I should be feeling nothing. And me trying to evade these questions is almost as if I'm trying to run away from my feelings for them ..I insisted i am completely over them, just like how i was over him too in the past when i was with my ex, and then he asked me why I ended up with him now if i'd already gotten over him.

I can go on and on about the things he says but the point is, I am really exasperated and tired. We quarrel over this same issue on a weekly basis (4 to 5 times a week!) and nothing gets solved. I finally snapped yesterday and went berzerk on him.

I really love him a lot but I doubt I can spend the rest of my life trying to pacify or re-assure him to help him with his insecurities. I get so affected by his moods as well and I'm quite easily depressed. He KNOWS it is his own problem and is something he needs to stop doing, and asked me to give him more time to get over my ex-es. But it's been months and honestly, I'm reaching the breaking point.

What can I do?

[namemyname]

He's going to cheat on you again, I really hope you realize this.

Cheaters tend to not change, and since you took him back after him cheating the first time, the message it send to him is that you will tolerate this treatment. You've proven that.

But, the fact he is so insecure tells me that he's going to seek external validation once again.

I think you were foolish to get back with a cheater to begin with, but perhaps after the second time, you'll stop wasting your time on this loser.

[basilandthyme]

The two of you argue 4-5 times per week over the same thing and it never gets resolved. Hon, is there a bigger sign that you need to dump him?

And for what it's worth, if this is a guy you could marry....I'd hate to see a guy who you wouldn't marry. I hope you're not living with him

[Woods]

People who have cheated are more likely to be insecure because they know how easy it can be to do; and because they're forever waiting for the other to do the same back. Either way, he's putting his baggage onto you. I'd tell him to bugger off.

[smackie9]

Why the hell are you back with this insecure twit. It's a no brainer you shouldn't be with him. This is gonna butt hurt you but, being in love with him is no reason to stay with this bastard. He is a messed up piece of work, get out now while you can...YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM!

[paythebills]

Dump him now!

[4 ratties]

Hmmm... He's insecure, jealous, and a cheater.. Sounds like he'll be cheating on you soon.

[Am I crazy?]

Your BF sounds very insecure and I doubt you can ever appease him. If you tell him the others were nothing compared to him then he will not believe you. If you tell him they were wonderful men that you cared deeply for then her will just get angry and be jealous. There is no winning for you in this situation unless he grows a set of balls and realizes that life for you did not stop while you were apart. If it does not get better and you think you want to leave this guy I think if I were you the next time he starts grilling you on these guys I would start throwing in hints that one of your ex's had a 10 inch, thick penis and gave you the best sex of your life.

[michelle23]

Two reasons not to trust him

1/. he cheated on you in the past
2/. He is extremely insecure which means he will prob need to stroke his fragile ego with some external attention once again.

Why would you go back to a guy who screwed you around 7 years ago? Some people bloody amaze me! Dump this loser and go find yourself a read man who is secure enough in himself to let the past go. Its none of his freaking business what you have done or who you have been with in the past 7 years. Tell him to F**K OFF and get on with your life without him

[Rainydaze]

Thanks for all the replies!

I know it seems silly to go back to someone who has cheated on you before, but the decision was made based on many reasons, after a long consideration as well.. Have always been against patching up with an ex, and knew it would only rip open old wounds from 7 years back, so there must be a reason

My 2 other ex-es cheated on me too, despite them not being insecure/jealous and not having cheated before. So I don't believe non-cheaters wont cheat, and you should never trust anyone completely anyway.

But I do agree it's his own problem and unless he does something about it, we can never move forward. Will just see how it goes!

[michelle23]

I see a pattern here. 3 ex-es cheated. Maybe you just have awful taste in men...

[smackie9]

My 2 other ex-es cheated on me too, despite them not being insecure/jealous and not having cheated before.

This has nothing to do with choosing the wrong guy.

[michelle23]

My advice: dump him. Be alone for awhile. Figure out what the problem is. Why have you a history of being cheated on? And then find a man you can trust.

Good luck