Not sure if she is attracted to me any more, please help?

[TroubledMoon]

Hi, I have been with my wife since 1989 and been married since 1996. We have two children, youngest being 5. We are the same age and both work full time, me during the day and her at night so we dont spend an awful lot of time together and any time we do have is spent being with the kids or taking them to clubs. We do not get much support from family so dont go out but try to watch films together or go for drives etc. I also have health issues with type 1 diabetes and heart problems.

The problem I have is that a few years ago my wife stopped being affectionate with me. We still made love but she no longer hugged me or kissed me and when I tried she pushed me away and made excuses this has gone on for quite a while and now we barely make love at all and if we do I get the impression it is something she is putting up with. It is straight to it and hurry up. Even if I try to do foreplay she asks if I am ready yet and again it makes it feel like a chore for her which is not what I want. I have asked her why but she says she is tired or that I need to be nicer to her but that does not answer why she wont touch me at all or kiss me. In bed she has taken to rolling right away from me so we dont even touch all night. So I went about doing all the chores, looked after the kids made all the meals was as nice to her as possible and this went on for weeks but not even a kiss. She says she needs me but I am not sure for what. I dont want to leave cause I love her and my kids are everything. Never having sex again is one thing but no affection at all is another.

Is it over for her as far as I am concerned? What should I do?

[michelle23]

it sounds like you are stuck in a rut. comfort zone where you just co-exist like room mates. suggest couples counselling to your wife so you can try to bring the spark back into your marriage. if she says no-then you need to discuss separating. tell her you dont feel loved or attractive and cant live like this anymore

[kirsy]

I hate to say this but your wife isn't in love with you anymore ... I recommend you guys go to a couples counseling or try going on a vacation without the kids. If that doesn't work out you might as way go your separate ways and i know it's going to be hard and your going to be heartbroken but would you rather spend the rest of your life with a women who doesn't show you any affection at all and treats you like crap. but when did she stop showing affection towards you?

[4 ratties]

Maybe the problem isn't you... It's her.. Maybe she is having depression or midlife crisis or something that is Making her have problems being intimate with you. I really hope you've talked to her about this problem.,, you have been married so long you should have great communication with eachother. Show her sincerity in your eyes when you ask her why she can't be affectionate with you and I hope she gives you an honest, helpful answer.

[haxan]

You have to ask her. The majority of marriages become passionless and basically sustain themselves for the kids, financial obligations or just plain companionship and not wanting to go it alone.

You can't rekindle passion, but if you have an open talk with her about it, perhaps you two can find some common ground or understanding.

[michelle23]

You can't rekindle passion, but if you have an open talk with her about it, perhaps you two can find some common ground or understanding.

Of course they can rekindle passion. Lots of couples do. They just both need to be willing to try.

[haxan]

After 17 years of marriage, no you can't, hon. His wife isn't going to wake up and have the hots for him, ever again. It doesn't mean they can't make the marriage work for whatever reason and length they want going forward, but it's not going to be full of flowers and unicorns.

OP, don't waste your money on counselling, even if it's free. (Time is money). Have a sit down and figure out what you two honestly want out of the marriage from here forward.

[DivyaMenon35]

You can try going on a romantic holiday together without kids and see if that helps to rekindle the love and passion.

[searock]

After 17 years of marriage, no you can't, hon. His wife isn't going to wake up and have the hots for him, ever again. It doesn't mean they can't make the marriage work for whatever reason and length they want going forward, but it's not going to be full of flowers and unicorns.

OP, don't waste your money on counselling, even if it's free. (Time is money). Have a sit down and figure out what you two honestly want out of the marriage from here forward.

Just because it didn't work for you doesn't mean it doesn't work for anyone ever. I know about 20 years married couples who have gone through a similar "crisis" and they have rekindled their passion thanks to couples therapy.