My drug addict boyfriend dumped me. Why do I feel so devestated?

[sara_a]

I just read your story and hun I went through almost the exact same thing with my ex. He has been a heroin addict for almost 10 years. I was with him for 2 years and he'd pretended to be clean for the last year we were together. The relationship was a struggle to say the least. The final straw for me was when we moved out together at the beginning of the year. I too noticed my ex never had money to help pay bills even though he was earning more than me. After raising my concerns my ex flipped. In subsequent weeks his behaviour towards me got real nasty and I went to the police one night when he threw a light bulb at me. Well he ended up leaving 2 months into the lease. He didn't even acknowledge me the day he packed up and left. That hurt even though I knew I had only done what I did for my own safety. It's been 5 months since he walked out of my life and the only times he's been in touch with me is to rudely demand bond money from me even though he took off with a T.V. that I had helped purchase. He took me to tenancy court last month where I agreed to pay him half the bond back. I decided against taking him to court for the money he owes me for the T.V. After the court case he text me saying all sorts of stuff - that he's moved on and he's happy and he's so glad I'm out of his life because I had been dragging him down... As much as I used to love him, when he left me, I never contacted him - not to express my hurt or to ask him to come back. Looking back at what can't even be called a relationship he was always lying to me about something. Every single day. I tried so many times to encourage him to do further education and develop a career but he was never interested. I offered to pay for him to go to rehab - he didn't want to. He wanted to hang out with his friends who were also criminals and addicts. He even compared me to the addict girls in his life, like his ex. I don't have a criminal history. I don't do drugs. I work full time and I studied my butt off at uni to get my science degree. I felt the same way you did when he left me. Why? I'm successful, why wouldn't he want to be with me? But all these months have given me time to reflect back - we were completely wrong for each other. Yes, we were best friends at one point and inseperable. But over time I grew up and got responsible - his addiction just got worse and you know what? He was happy with the direction his life was going. The guy did not want to be helped. And that's all people like you and I can do. Be there and offer our love and support but if it's not wanted there's nothing we can do but move on with our own lives. Take care of ourselves because we're no good to others if we can't help ourselves. My advice to you would be to ignore your ex despite what he's texting you. Addicts tell you what you want to hear. They know how to sweet talk because they are manipulative people who will do and say what they can to get what they want. They are every bit as selfish as everyone believes them to be. They only look out for number 1. I still hurt. It's not easy...especially when you felt as if YOU were important to him. But my ex made his choice and so did yours. Do not go back there, especially if you're still getting over this. I hope you've been strong enough to resist communication with him...please do update me on your current situation.

[YouAreLoved]

Hi missvicky,

I recently ended a short term relationship with someone who was only recently sober (alcohol). I saw behaviors that are common with addicts, and they made me realize the relationship was going to eventually end at some point with me getting emotionally hurt.

To read about the pain you felt after your relationship ended really touched me, because even though I was the one who left my relationship, it still really sucked. I still suffered in many the same ways you did. You see the potential for this person, yet the day to day actions don't match up. They have good days, and you see and feel that maybe, just maybe, but in the end, it's still the same.

You fell in love with someone who turned out to not be in a place in their life for a normal relationship, and that is OK. You did nothing wrong, it is not a bad reflection on you. Knowing in your head that the end of the relationship was really the healthiest thing for you, may not agree with how your heart is feeling now, and that can really mess with you until over time you begin to look at what happened more objectively. This head vs. heart thing is a normal process one can go through in this type of situation.

I know it hurts to have someone leave you, but in this case, whether they left you or you left them, it was going to end, and you knew that. I know you hung in there as long as you did to make it work, we do this with people we love. Unfortunately addicts are people we cannot help. They need to help themselves. Addiction is very selfish by nature, it is all about them and there addiction, and interestingly, it is all about them too when they want to get better. Only they can do it. So try to move on from feeling guilty because you have done nothing to deserve that feeling. By the way, dealing with ended relationships that have an addict, can be challenging. They mess with our self esteem in very sneaky ways. Do some online research about addicts and relationships, you will be surprised how much extra messiness they add to breakups.

Getting over someone you loved can be very challenging. Feeling so low, so sad, not eating, sleeping etc. etc. is really distressful. Thank goodness it gets better with TIME. You just have to give it time. No Contact is the only way to move on as quickly as possible. No pictures, FB, texts, talking to mutual friends about him, his family etc. You cannot be friends if you want to move on. And avoid even a small amount of contact months from now, even if you feel better. You can go back to square one almost instantly. Eventually you are, and may have already, begun to feel some of your old self come back to the surface. I understand how you feel about meeting new people and not feeling it. You are not ready yet. You are on emotional overload. That is OK too. When you are ready, it will come naturally.

Finally, a little mental exercise that sometimes helps. I imagine someone I like, a good friend or family member, being with someone just like my ex, a male or female version. I thought about the truly negative things relating to the addiction and other behaviors that the person I like was now dealing with. I could see the problems much more objectively when it effected them. He or she should get out of that relationship before they get hurt! It seems much clearer when thought of that way, you know your friend deserves better, and you certainly do too!

Take care. :-)