What is she thinking?

[LCMS0516]

To barge in with a little male perspective on this, I would say that much of her attitude is part of her personality, with a great deal of the emotional attachment being that she might feel emotionally unfulfilled or just insecure.

I have been wondering myself, if it is part of her personality. I have wondered if she feels unfulfilled and insecure, even if she says she is fulfilled and secure. Because of her saying several times over the years, claiming no one cares about her. That would include me, her boyfriend, her family and kids.

Most interestingly, you seem to abide by the way she acts. You don't have to continue to talk to her when she speaks to you in a way you don't like, and she isn't in your life physically, so its easy to dodge her for extreme lengths of time.

I don't let her get away with treating me like garbage, when she does it. There have been times, where I just avoided her.

The only reason you wouldn't do that is if you are getting as much emotional fulfillment out of this situation as she is. You control what you do, not her. She acts the way she does to you because you let her, and for no other reason.

Well, I used to take the garbage personally. But I started laughing at it years ago. I agree on the critical/negativity angle. Maybe I am thinking too hard. But I am getting at the difference between the 'criticism' one moment, and her practically yelling at me for not being available the next time.

Yes, I agree, she could be a drama queen.

[LCMS0516]

I'm going to approach this without thinking that there are any affairs etc. That she's just a friend.

Yes, She is a friend.

In life, it's wise to choose to surround ourselves with friends who treat us nicely, kindly and with respect. It's OK to dump a friend who treats us badly even if there is history of supporting each other. It's also OK to dump a friend who's simply a pain in the ass.

The reason I didn't 'dump' her as a friend, long ago, is what I told her when she asked me after she came out of the coma last year. It is to not sit in judgment of her every time she gets nasty. Now, I just laugh at it, when she does it.

You don't owe each other anything - and if the friendship is no longer working for you, then just slowly back away. Just as I hope you would in real life if a friendship wasn't working for you.

Correct, I don't owe her diddly. It isn't a question of whether it is working, or not. It is because I no longer take her 'negative' moods personally. As to backing away from a bad relationship, I have done that before. I dumped a woman that wouldn't take meds for here severe mental illness. I divorced my (ex)wife in 2000, I haven't talked to her since, because I don't want to.

Edited to add: she has the moods she does because she's a bitch. Nothing more, nothing less.

Okay.

[namemyname]

The point is...who cares about her moods? Why are you so invested in someone you don't know besides a computer screen?

That's really the issue here.

[LCMS0516]

The point is...who cares about her moods? Why are you so invested in someone you don't know besides a computer screen?

That's really the issue here.

I took a day to think about this. Her moods may not seem like a big deal to you(and maybe that is true, that they shouldn't be a big deal). But I was, curious as to their repetitive sequence.

As to your second comment about being invested in someone only known through a computer screen, that slams anyone that has friends online, or is even in an LDR(Long-Distance Relationship). So your ignorant response serves no purpose except for qualifying as a snide remark.

[LifeInflux]

I understand the emotional relationship... it happens regardless of whether its online, through the mail, or on the phone. How many of us have family we rarely see but we talk to all the time and trust them with whats going on in our lives?

Similarly on this forum, even though I've only been here for a few days, people here share a lot of themselves, and heed the advice of others.. and within time that type of relationship grows a bond that you can trust from that "person".. (avatar, forum name)


Anyways, what it boils down to is that she has problems of an emotional nature and it falls back on you because: 1) She knows you're there and have taken that kind of "abuse" before and 2) because that may likely be her only outlet for acting that kind of way.

I mean, hell, I'd hope that 90% of the people I've met online and most of the posts I've seen across the net came from people who don't actually act or speak that way in their real lives.

It might be different without the anonymity of being online... but who knows. Unless you really talk with her about it you may never know. Does it really matter that much to talk with her about it?

[namemyname]

I took a day to think about this. Her moods may not seem like a big deal to you(and maybe that is true, that they shouldn't be a big deal). But I was, curious as to their repetitive sequence.

As to your second comment about being invested in someone only known through a computer screen, that slams anyone that has friends online, or is even in an LDR(Long-Distance Relationship). So your ignorant response serves no purpose except for qualifying as a snide remark.

Hey - I'm not the one posting pages on an internet forum asking questions about how some person I've never met is hurting my feelings. WHO is the one who is ignorant? I like to think people in LDR's have met and dated in real life. Online "friends"? There's something off emotionally if you're this wrecked over someone you don't actually know.

Honestly, you sound like a total submissive, masochistical doormat. She treats you like shit, and you love it. And here you are, trying to figure out why she's being a meanie! boo hoo.

She's mean to you because she can be. Period.

[LifeInflux]

Hey - I'm not the one posting pages on an internet forum asking questions about how some person I've never met is hurting my feelings. WHO is the one who is ignorant? I like to think people in LDR's have met and dated in real life. Online "friends"? There's something off emotionally if you're this wrecked over someone you don't actually know.

Honestly, you sound like a total submissive, masochistical doormat. She treats you like shit, and you love it. And here you are, trying to figure out why she's being a meanie! boo hoo.

She's mean to you because she can be. Period.

While I'm not going to disagree with you, this might have been slightly more harsh then necessary, even if his response to you was marshmallow aggressive.

I mean c'mon Namemyname, are you going to tell me that you've never met someone online and had a rapport with them? Just because he hasn't met this girl doesn't mean he won't one day...

Granted, he shouldn't stand for the way she treats him if it bothers him. I think to most people the answer is obvious on how it should be handled, but it makes it easier because we're removed from the situation.

[VincenzoG91]

I think to most people the answer is obvious on how it should be handled, but it makes it easier because we're removed from the situation.

We're removed from the situation, because we only know him from this online discussion forum. Kind of like his online "friendship" with this verbally abusive woman, except that he has chosen to give that friendship an unreasonable level of importance in his life.

[LifeInflux]

We're removed from the situation, because we only know him from this online discussion forum. Kind of like his online "friendship" with this verbally abusive woman, except that he has chosen to give that friendship an unreasonable level of importance in his life.

True, but people get attached to worse things than other online personas. I once saw a reality show where a woman flipped out because someone got rid of a porcelain clown.

If people are attached to something emotionally, sometimes, theres nothing you can say to convince them otherwise. Sometimes its better to help them cope until they come to the answer on their own.

[LCMS0516]

Hey - I'm not the one posting pages on an internet forum asking questions about how some person I've never met is hurting my feelings. WHO is the one who is ignorant? I like to think people in LDR's have met and dated in real life. Online "friends"? There's something off emotionally if you're this wrecked over someone you don't actually know.

Honestly, you sound like a total submissive, masochistical doormat. She treats you like shit, and you love it. And here you are, trying to figure out why she's being a meanie! boo hoo.

She's mean to you because she can be. Period.

Now, You say I am into S&M with this woman....hmmm....Your 'cheese has slipped off the plate'. I don't like her treating me that way. At the same time, I don't abandon people because of a bad this or that.

The analytical question had to do with going into the flip-flop of her mentality. But obviously, that is too deep for you to comprehend.

[LCMS0516]

While I'm not going to disagree with you, this might have been slightly more harsh then necessary, even if his response to you was marshmallow aggressive.

I mean c'mon Namemyname, are you going to tell me that you've never met someone online and had a rapport with them? Just because he hasn't met this girl doesn't mean he won't one day...

Granted, he shouldn't stand for the way she treats him if it bothers him. I think to most people the answer is obvious on how it should be handled, but it makes it easier because we're removed from the situation.

It is the flip-flop that bothers me. I was getting at the mentality in the 'flip-flop'. So it isn't 'cut and dry'. There is a reason why we do everything. Even with why we do some of the smallest things a certain way. So, I am getting at, the criticism being demeaning, then the flip to wondering where in the world I am. I feel, there is two reasons, one for why she is critical, and one for why she wonders where I am. It is that 'umbrella'(answer that connects both) answer I am looking for. Not some 'cut and dry' simplistic answer.

[basilandthyme]

LCMS, I can only echo what I just read in a post above. She's mean to you because you accept it.

[namemyname]

I mean c'mon Namemyname, are you going to tell me that you've never met someone online and had a rapport with them? Just because he hasn't met this girl doesn't mean he won't one day...

No, I have a few online "friends", or whatever to call them. lol Virtual acquaintances?

HOWEVER, the first time any of them was shitty to me, I'd be done.

The first issue is why he cares so much about someone who abuses him, and secondary, the fact it's someone he's never met and has no investment in.

[LCMS0516]

LCMS, I can only echo what I just read in a post above. She's mean to you because you accept it.

In the larger scheme of things, my ex was worse than her. But I knew why my ex was so bad and it wasn't her fault, but I did hold her accountable. I am trying to figure out, why she does it to me, when she didn't do it to her (STBE)husband, and doesn't do it to her boyfriend. What is so special about me, that makes me the sole recipient of the garbage.

[LCMS0516]

No, I have a few online "friends", or whatever to call them. lol Virtual acquaintances?

HOWEVER, the first time any of them was shitty to me, I'd be done.

The first issue is why he cares so much about someone who abuses him, and secondary, the fact it's someone he's never met and has no investment in.

Why do I care......Because, Just as there is forgiveness in a marriage, there should be forgiveness in a friendship. I will agree that she seemingly had a 'moment of lucidity', when she apologized last year after almost dying, for being so negative towards me. She is the only online friend/acquaintance that I have kept in contact with over the years. So I don't have a multitude of online friends/acquaintances that I have applied this to. Because I have moved around so much, even though I am not in the military. So having face-to-face friends ended up, always being on the short-term.

There was a period of time(Jul.'2011-Apr.'2012), where I didn't talk to her. But it wasn't because of her at all. Our main source of communication is Yahoo Messenger and I had uninstalled it on my old computer, after receiving so many garbage IM's from other people. In a matter of speaking, she was 'caught in the crossfire'.

Also, In a sense, the door swings both ways. When she went into a a coma last year, her boyfriend was making threats at me, saying he was going to keep her from even communicating with me. I knew her well enough that, even after she came out of the coma and was saying that she had to cut off all contact because of her boyfriend. That it wouldn't last. Because, The were several times early after her recovery that she said she had to cut off contact. Only to end up contacting me several days later, wondering why I wasn't talking to her.