Suspicious of my husband and sister

[HeartIsAching]

The camera's a good idea - then you've got evidence for a divorce attorney to use.

He's cheating with her, I don't doubt it a bit. Underwear under the bed, the same bed you can smell her perfume in? A "lunch" with phones off? Who does that? Cheating people do.

Breathing heavily when answering the phone, and she's "not there"?

Oh please. If none of that has convinced you, then the camera will.

[TablesandChairs]

I don't know how much you trust yourself...but I know when I smell a different perfume in my bed, it's as obvious as anything. Combined with everything else...I'd say something is going on, unless it's all just one big set of coincidences. Maybe you need the camera to put your own mind at ease; you can ask them and they can say 'no' but will you believe that?

[smackie9]

What was his excuse about his phone being off? and was he ever confronted about not mentioning the lunch they had together?

[TrinaRose]

Thank you all for your advice and input. I decided against installing a camera because my heart just couldn't handle seeing anything. Plus, since I confronted my hubby about the thongs under the bed, there has been a lot of tension between the two of us. My hubby had the nerve to tell my sister of my suspicions and she came to me in tears but not angry. She was more hurt then anything saying that she couldn't believe that I would think she would do anything so crazy and that she would be leaving in the morning and would stay out my way until tomorrow. She hasn't been here for most of the day and now I feel like the bad guy. However, I still feel as though something happened between them. It's like stuck in my heart. I guess I will never know for sure but now everyone is pissed at me. My sister is hurt. My hubby is pissed. I wish I wouldn't have said anything just yet. I am so confused at this point and I do feel guilty but I also feel like their playing me for a fool. Like it happened once or something and their in denial about it all because they don't plan to do it again. Ugh! What do you all think?

[namemyname]

I think you're right. I think they banged once (that day he was out of breath), she then told him it couldn't happen again (but only because she wanted to start trouble - not because she cared about you or your marriage on the fact she's your sister), which is also why he was annoyed and jealous when she was going out on a date. I don't think the affair ended because hubby called it off.

The fact he went running to her with your questioning shows a sincere lack of loyalty to you, and he did it to let her know that YOU knew, or, strongly suspected, and he told her it was time for her to split, since he decided she wasn't worth ruining his marriage over.

Still, I think your gut is spot-on, Trina.

Totally sucks all the way around.

[Millie]

You confronted him, he told your sister, and he's the one who's pissed?!

[LifeInflux]

Trina, first and foremost, pull your sister to the side.. go to lunch or something and explain your suspicions of your husband with her. Gauge her reaction when you say that you have a feeling that he's been unfaithful... explain that the suspicions intensified due to the thong underneath the bed.

Let he know about the gut feelings and that you want to know how she feels about the situation even if she isn't the one he's been with.


You can't trust your husband it seems, and if she consistently persists that he's trustworthy that could be a sign. Most importantly the underlying issues need to be addressed. You are not the bad guy for feeling this way... keep that in mind even if you feel like they are turning against you.

[smackie9]

And still there is no explination from her as to why her thong made it under your bed......

[VincenzoG91]

You don't need a hidden camera, you need a divorce.

[Villo]

I'm sorry this has happened, but I can't help thinking that you, dear OP, want to remain in a tortured state of not-quite-knowing what went on. I suspect that the reason you couldn't "find the heart" to set up a camera or speak up sooner than you did, is because YOU really don't want to know the truth.

In the short run, your willingness to NOT gather evidence of what happened between them allows you to * try * and stay in your marriage. That's a valid choice, but one that leads to immense long-term paranoia and resentment. It also usually leads to a long, bitter marriage that ends up falling apart.

On the other hand, if you'd held your tongue and installed hidden cameras, you would have had a shot at better understanding the nature of your husband and sister. The worst that would have happened is you'd feel guilty for catching nothing and installing cams, and could work at your trust issues in therapy.

Since you don't seem to have enough respect for yourself to honestly deal w/the likely reality of your husband's infidelity, I will make a recommendation for someone else who might be in a situation similar to yours and might be reading this thread: Have lunch with your sister. Lie. Tell her you know all about her and your husband, so she can stop pretending now. Just say that with a straight face and a normal voice. No anger. Say you have video footage of what happened and if she still wants to salvage a sisterly relationship with you, she will apologize to you for what she did. (That in no way truly binds you to a r-ship with her though. Your real mission is lying to get her to tell the truth.)

[namemyname]

I'm sorry this has happened, but I can't help thinking that you, dear OP, want to remain in a tortured state of not-quite-knowing what went on. I suspect that the reason you couldn't "find the heart" to set up a camera or speak up sooner than you did, is because YOU really don't want to know the truth.

In the short run, your willingness to NOT gather evidence of what happened between them allows you to * try * and stay in your marriage. That's a valid choice, but one that leads to immense long-term paranoia and resentment. It also usually leads to a long, bitter marriage that ends up falling apart.

On the other hand, if you'd held your tongue and installed hidden cameras, you would have had a shot at better understanding the nature of your husband and sister. The worst that would have happened is you'd feel guilty for catching nothing and installing cams, and could work at your trust issues in therapy.

Since you don't seem to have enough respect for yourself to honestly deal w/the likely reality of your husband's infidelity, I will make a recommendation for someone else who might be in a situation similar to yours and might be reading this thread: Have lunch with your sister. Lie. Tell her you know all about her and your husband, so she can stop pretending now. Just say that with a straight face and a normal voice. No anger. Say you have video footage of what happened and if she still wants to salvage a sisterly relationship with you, she will apologize to you for what she did. (That in no way truly binds you to a r-ship with her though. Your real mission is lying to get her to tell the truth.)

The cam only would have worked if they continued their affair. Since the OP thinks it was likely a one and done, she potentially didn't miss anything.

I don't see the point in confronting the sister, either. It's clear she and the hubby have colluded stories on what went on. I mean, he went right to her when the OP confronted her hubby.

True, she'll probably never know the truth now, since all she will have to go on is her gut, but a woman always knows the truth. The OP seems to have a pretty good grasp of what's going on.

[Villo]

The cam only would have worked if they continued their affair. Since the OP thinks it was likely a one and done, she potentially didn't miss anything.

I don't see the point in confronting the sister, either. It's clear she and the hubby have colluded stories on what went on. I mean, he went right to her when the OP confronted her hubby.

True, she'll probably never know the truth now, since all she will have to go on is her gut, but a woman always knows the truth. The OP seems to have a pretty good grasp of what's going on.

Actually, no, it's an assumption to believe that was a one-time encounter. What I'm saying is that if she hadn't initially confronted both her husband and daughter, she could have done what others advised: told them she's going out for a while, and then "roll tape". That would have been smart and savvy.

As for confronting the sister, it's still a terrific idea (some of you folks give up too easily LOL). Anyone who understands the basics of criminal interrogation knows that the way you trip up liars in tandem is to isolate each one and question them separately (and throw your own lies into the mix). It may not be a pretty tactic, but in this case, it actually makes sense.

People like to throw around the word "gut feeling" like it's science. It isn't. Several times I've been so convinced in "my gut" that something is true, that I would have sold my own mother into slavery if I'd turned out to be wrong. And then I turned out to be wrong (thank God I didn't make that wager). It's a cop out to pretend that gut feelings are always right IMO and that "feelings" are sufficient, instead of engaging the brain in evidence gathering to find out what the objective truth is. Sometimes it takes "guts" - a strong stomach, not a gut feeling - to find out what is actually real.

[michelle23]

hun something defo happened. the fact he told her your suspicions says it all. and the fact hes angry screams guilt. what is any sane woman supposed to think when they find another womans underwear under the f**king bed? you are NOT the bad guy here and do not allow him to guilt trip you or manipulate you.

you are being way too soft here and you need to grow a backbone and front this out. send your sister packing first of all. when she is gone-you tell him to explain why her underwear was under your bed. if he gets defence- you tell him to shut the f up and start explaining or else your marriage is over and you tell him you have every right to be upset! what would he think if he found another mans underwear in your bedroom?

you need to get mad-i mean crazy mad-start moving all his stuff into the spare room, tell him your marriage is over, tell him you dont believe her thong has legs and walked itself into your bedroom, and you dont get why both their phones were off at the same time and why he was out of breath when he finally answered or how you could smell her perfume on your sheets or why he lied and said she wasnt home at all that day when you know she was and how he has the nerve to be so damn angry at you for asking a simple qs or why he went to lunch alone with her and didnt tell you

throw the evidence at him bit by bit, interogate him, show him you are on to him and if he has any hope of you ever trusting him again he better start talking

if he just gets angry and turns this round on you again-he is guilty.

an innocent person does not get on their high horse and start placing all theblame on you

[Starnique]

Michelle is right. You need to get crazy mad and you are being soft and they know this. I dont believe in fighting over a man but if its someone close to you, she might be getting send home in a ****ed up situation. He had some nerve to go running to her like wtf was she gonna do? So what if you are suspicious? Its your house, your husband and therefore you can ask him whatever you want to. I say do what vilo said, lie. Get all in her face and be like, yeah i know what you did. So what she acting sad! Her bum self was adopted in your family. Toughen up and all you got to do is lose your mind one good time.

Btw, u dont ever let another woman lay up in your house around your man. I'm secure but no I don't go for that

[namemyname]

Well, I get where Trina is coming from. This is a total nightmare. I mean, the alleged other woman is her adopted sister. And her husband of a year.

I know I wouldn't be able to start tossing people out so quickly. I mean, this completely disrupts her entire life. Besides her marriage, how will her parents react to her allegations of the adopted sister?

I'd hate to be in her shoes MORE because of how this will affect her parents - not the husband.