5 dates in, very confused

[WickedTrombone]

Backstory: We're both in our early 20s. We met on an online dating website. We've been on 5 dates over the past month or so. Everytime we have been on a date, things have gone well. It's been an up and down rollercoaster for me. The texting / phone communication has always been a little bothersome for me, but it's gotten worse the past week. We used to text at least once a day, and the past 2 weeks there have been periods where we haven't spoke in 3-4 days at all.

On our 3rd date, we were in her bedroom watching a movie. She climbed ontop of me, started making out very intensely. She was biting my ear, kissing my neck, tugging on my boxers, pushing her hips into me. I ended up flipping her over and kissing her harder, she was lightly moaning. I began kissing her chest and she stopped me saying we were moving too fast. Previously from this date, we had only kissed goodbye and held hands, so I understood where she was coming from and respected that.

Moving on, that weekend is when she first started being a little distant with the communication. A few days went by, I'd have 2-3 unanswered texts from her so I never pressed the issue. I got tired of waiting and called her, leaving a voicemail telling her to get back to me, as I had intentions on asking her out on another date. She did text me back later that night, simply saying 'Hey! How are you?'. We ended up going on another date, it went well. We kiss, she holds my hand in public, she cuddles me when laying in her bed. When I leave, the days after are just almost silent. I don't hear much from her, my 2-3 texts go without a response again for days. Meanwhile, she updates her facebook status once a day, so she gets the messages, just chooses not to respond for some reason.

After another period of this issue, I called and she picked up her phone for once. I was going to ask her out on a date for the day after. She told me she's been overworked and underslept and hadn't been feeling good. I asked if she had any plans for that night, and she said no just laying in bed. So I asked if shes up for it, I could meet her that night. She said yes and ended up taking some medicine and we had a great time together again.

Now here we are, waiting again. I really like this girl, more than I should, and I do NOT find girls that have as many common interests as I do with this one, so I am trying hard here, but her lack of response or communication has been causing me slight anxiety. I don't want to shower her with texts or phone calls with no response because that obviously comes off needy.

What am I dealing with here? We had one hot and heavy intimate night, so she's clearly attracted to me. We get along great in person and the dates are always fun. I enjoy seeing her, she shows affection in person, doesn't mind cuddling and kissing me. On the other hand, the lack of communication is bothersome.

My logical mind tells me if you're interested in someone, you make a reasonable effort to chat with them whether over the phone or text between dates. You would respond or even initiate texts / phone calls if interested. She's not responded to my last 3 texts or initiated anything back for the past few days since the date Tuesday, but has time to update her FB status and hold a large conversation with someone in comments. I know it's good that she has continued to accept and meet me on dates on my terms about once a week, but it's a little bothersome there hasn't been as much communication inbetween as I would have liked. In person, she has no problem kissing me, cuddling in bed or holding my hand in public. I guess you could say I'm somewhat of an active texter and to see she isn't is a little discouraging.

Am I reading too much into this lack of communication on her part? I've been told it could mean disinterest all the way to her liking me so much it scares her so she's taking it slow lol. Frankly, I'm considering just approaching her about where she feels we stand but everyone keeps telling me that's a bad move...

What do I do here?

[pennylane1984]

I am a reserved person at first and I take a while to warm up to people so I would agree with people who are telling you not to confront/ask her about the lack of communication. You are going to start looking needy soon if you continue down this path but right now in my opinion you are coming off as aggressive and I really like that in a guy.

Since I want the guy to take the lead I like the way you are but at the same time you are contacting her too often for HER likes. So I would stop contacting her and wait for her to contact YOU. Maybe she doesn't text as often as you do, not a big deal. You have asked for the five dates in a month let her contact you for the next conversation. Maybe she is worried that you are acting like the boss and she is not feeling like an equal. If she contacts you she is interested in you. If she doesn't contact you it isn't a big loss because you will then know your answer (she is not worth it then). I bet she contacts you.

[WickedTrombone]

I am a reserved person at first and I take a while to warm up to people so I would agree with people who are telling you not to confront/ask her about the lack of communication. You are going to start looking needy soon if you continue down this path but right now in my opinion you are coming off as aggressive and I really like that in a guy.

Since I want the guy to take the lead I like the way you are but at the same time you are contacting her too often for HER likes. So I would stop contacting her and wait for her to contact YOU. Maybe she doesn't text as often as you do, not a big deal. You have asked for the five dates in a month let her contact you for the next conversation. Maybe she is worried that you are acting like the boss and she is not feeling like an equal. If she contacts you she is interested in you. If she doesn't contact you it isn't a big loss because you will then know your answer (she is not worth it then). I bet she contacts you.

Thanks for the quick response. I got tired of waiting and called her, she didn't answer so I left a voicemail simply saying I hadn't heard from her in a bit and to call me back. That may have been the wrong move by contacting her, but it's honestly making me anxious throughout the day and I don't like that feeling. I was actually having trouble sleeping :\.

[pennylane1984]

Aw. I am sorry to hear that. You have your heart on your sleeve. You sound like a great guy. She is very lucky.

My reply was just my honest reply. I just joined the forum because I had a question of my own and mine has to do with communication too. But not your situation at all. I thought this guy was interested in me but I second-guessed myself. It's been a long time since I have been interested in someone. My point: you are not alone. I am confused as well. LOL.

[smackie9]

We don't know what is going on in her head...hell she could be dating other guys for all you know. From experience when I really like a guy I would want to see them more that 5 times in a month, would be in constant communication, and would be sleeping with them by now.....If it doesn't feel right, then it's not.

[namemyname]

She's dating other guys.

[smackie9]

Thanks for the quick response. I got tired of waiting and called her, she didn't answer so I left a voicemail simply saying I hadn't heard from her in a bit and to call me back. That may have been the wrong move by contacting her, but it's honestly making me anxious throughout the day and I don't like that feeling. I was actually having trouble sleeping :\.

Why would you want to pursue someone that makes you question contacting them, and makes you lose sleep over. This is unhealthy......you are walking on egg shells for nothing.

[WickedTrombone]

Why would you want to pursue someone that makes you question contacting them, and makes you lose sleep over. This is unhealthy......you are walking on egg shells for nothing.

I don't know, I feel like my emotions have been toyed with, especially with that one night we had together during the 3rd date. Why would a girl do what she did on a 3rd date if she wasn't interested? Why would a girl cuddle up against you in her bed and kiss you goodbye if she wasn't feeling it? Just threw me for a loop.

[pennylane1984]

Wicked-I do not know. I am a straightforward person. I like directness because it helps with understanding and communication. Those things are kind of key qualities in a relationship kind of like respect and trust. I just don't like the fact that this girl has made you this upset. I am sure you are a good person with tons of good qualities. There are tons of girls out there who would appreciate your efforts with them. Has she contacted you back yet? It is Saturday night. Just a thought.

[WickedTrombone]

Wicked-I do not know. I am a straightforward person. I like directness because it helps with understanding and communication. Those things are kind of key qualities in a relationship kind of like respect and trust. I just don't like the fact that this girl has made you this upset. I am sure you are a good person with tons of good qualities. There are tons of girls out there who would appreciate your efforts with them. Has she contacted you back yet? It is Saturday night. Just a thought.

No I haven't heard anything back yet. She's most likely sleeping because she has to wake up for work in a few hours. If I don't hear anything from her tomorrow though I'm pretty sure this ones a lost cause and unfortunately, I won't have a clue why.

[pennylane1984]

I don't know. I do know that I came on this forum today looking for a man's perspective about a situation and I have found a couple of crazies/jerks on here. I hope you have not had that experience on here.

I don't know what people expect anymore from other people. It is really hard just to find good people to surround yourself with in life and then you are also supposed to find a romantic partner too. For me, I find the challenge a bit daunting to say the least. I don't like to waste my time doing things that don't matter with people who don't matter. All I can truly tell you is that you are not alone in your confusion and your frustration.

[namemyname]

I don't know, I feel like my emotions have been toyed with, especially with that one night we had together during the 3rd date. Why would a girl do what she did on a 3rd date if she wasn't interested? Why would a girl cuddle up against you in her bed and kiss you goodbye if she wasn't feeling it? Just threw me for a loop.

The same reason a guy has sex with a woman on a third date, and then never calls her again.

Just because it felt physically good in the moment, doesn't mean there was any emotion or connection behind it.

[WickedTrombone]

I kind of suspected someone else was in the picture in some fashion. She kind of hinted to me on our 2nd date that she had something bothering her that she still had to take care of and that she would in the next few days (but couldn't tell me what because it wouldn't have been appropriate to say on a 2nd date). Next date I asked if she ever 'took care' of it and she kind of shrugged it off like no, not yet. During our movie date I noticed someone, 85% sure her exbf, really kept trying to get a hold of her through texting and calls and she kept ignoring it. That was also the same night things got hot and heavy in her bed later. I think she got out of a short-term relationship 2 months ago.

Still, 5 dates down the road I figured she must have definitely had an interest in me. Why continue holding my hand in public, cuddling, kissing if she isn't feeling this or isn't 100% here? She's expressed interest in showing me a few things, teaching me some stuff and even hooking me up (to get a tattoo done) with a friend of hers who does tattoos during our dates. Ex: Yeah I'm going with a friend there in 2 weeks, Ill get her card for you. Or, yeah I'll definitely teach you how to play this game sometime in the future.

Wish I knew what was causing the indifference though. It feels like she gets back to me when it's a good moment for her. Unfortunately, I'm just here in the dark still. There's nothing else I can do here eh? Just go on with my life and maybe she'll get back to me if she ever sorts things out.

[pennylane1984]

Wicked-Nothing should be stopping you from seeing someone else either. Keep your dating options open. You are worth it and you deserve to be happy-with someone.

[catnip]

I don't know, I feel like my emotions have been toyed with, especially with that one night we had together during the 3rd date. Why would a girl do what she did on a 3rd date if she wasn't interested? Why would a girl cuddle up against you in her bed and kiss you goodbye if she wasn't feeling it? Just threw me for a loop.

and why would a girl be so sexually aggressive and then change her mind? (rhetorical question. I'm a girl and I can't explain her behaviour)

My rule of thumb is to not bother with complicated people.