Advice required. What to do next?

[Debb]

I have quite a long story, sorry.

Just over a year ago, I was married, getting on with life but with no intimacy, so not particularly happy. We had 2 children together (now 9 and 4) and I have a now 20 year old who lived with us.

One day I got chatting to an old school friend (I lived 50 miles away from my school town and he still lived where we went to school). One thing led to another, I ended the marriage, we fell in love.

In the summer holidays I moved back to my home town, lived with Mum briefly with the 2 youngest as my oldest was settled with my now ex. Then moved in with my now partner (S) with the children.

I found photos of a woman's boobs on his phone in October, and he had met her for coffee while I still lived away. There was also another ex who was hanging around and getting on my nerves by trying to be my best buddy.

His house was a state, I spent 3.5K on heating and bathroom. Bought new furniture and carpets for the bedrooms. He already had a nice kitchen but the rest of the house is a tip. I also bought a family car as his car is a 2 seater, even though I don't drive. The rest of the house is still a mess, I mean "How Clean is Your House" bad. We recently sorted the garage and he asked for 50% of the space for a gym he NEVER uses and me and the kids share 50% for used stuff. I do have trust issues as he has been a bit of a git allowing these women to hang around. I can go into more detail if necessary.

I have asked him if he would be willing to sell the car so we can finish off the house, we needs carpets, no room is decorated since 10 years ago, I have bought all the paint, it is in the garage, but he has ripped a fireplace out and put cardboard over the hole etc. The floors downstairs are unfinished, front door wrecked by the dog.

His answer to selling the car was ' If we split up I would have no way to get to work' I spent all of my money on HIS house that he has asked me and the kids to leave twice. I feel like I have no security, if he dies I potentially would lose everything but my car as he won't/can't be bothered to do a will so I can keep my things. So, in theory, his house is worth 5+ thousands pounds more, he is using my car only, never uses his own and mine is being devalued constantly (I was more than happy with this until his car comment). We are nearly 40, no contraceptives being used as he would love a baby. However, I feel very insecure in our future as he isn't really planning for my security. He doesn't think marriage is important, where to me it is. I left a secure marriage, friends, job, kids left their schools, I left my oldest son, all to be with him. I don't regret any of that as I love him dearly.

Where do I go from here? He won't see my point of view (I want security and I want him to value me and risk his car for our future as I used all of my savings and my previous life to be here) and I don't see his point of view (happy for his Dad to inherit my belongings if he died by not doing a will and he is keeping his car in case we split) And he has been a bit of a thoughtless git with other women.

He also has started to be lazy in our relationship as well as round the house (he is actually the laziest person I have ever met, but that promotes laziness in me too).

HELP

[Villo]

My personal feeling is that people can marry or not marry, whatever ... except when kids are part of the situation. Marriage is a good thing when it comes to protecting kids. You've done this whole thing backwards. You shouldn't have moved in with him w/out legalizing your situation first. Then again, he sounds light years short of being "marriage material", or even basic relationship material, so I kind of want to wring your neck because it isn't just you you've put in this position, it's your kids too.

You're right. You don't have security. You'll have to go back to school or use whatever education you have to get a job or start a business so you can build up your savings again and can ween yourself and your kids from this mess. I feel really, really bad for your kids.

[Debb]

He actually says he "will marry me" but doesn't see the point in marriage. The kids love him dearly and 95% of the time he is great. It is just this underlying insecurity I feel and the fact he just feels sorry for himself I suppose when I mention it.

[Debb]

Oh, and can't marry him yet as I am awaiting my divorce

[Villo]

Debb, I'm not sure I was clear enough with what I just said. I'm saying it sounds like marrying him would be a mistake, now that it's obvious he isn't marriage material. The guy collects boobs on his phone and hangs out with other women. You say he's the laziest person you ever met. He sounds God awful.

My point was, before having kids, one should marry a DECENT man who is a good match, not the guy you describe. That's why I suggested you go ahead and work on becoming financially independent. Once you are more financially independent, you take the kids and leave (was my advice).

[catnip]

If I say what I think, I'll probably get banned.

[Debb]

If I say what I think, I'll probably get banned.

That made me chuckle. Like I said the majority of the relationship is great. When I say lazy, he just worked a night shift, had 5 hours sleep and it up doing jobs, hanging washing out etc. But, the big jobs he never sees and puts them off for years (decorating, mending things etc) but yesterday he fixed my mums washing machine. Wardrobe built 9 months ago still minus it's doors, so I think some of his laziness is scared of getting things wrong. He has a good job and works long hours. The boobs were sent just after his Mum died to 'cheer him up' he flirted back a bit, then he told me he had met up with her back in June last year, which, to be fair, I was still sharing a bedroom with my husband.


I know I sound like I am defending him. I suppose I am a little bit, but I feel it is more fair to have the full picture with these things.

[Millie]

It's just sad to me that you can't see the bigger picture here. This guy has had to give up nothing, commit to nothing, contribute nothing - he's sitting pretty, you've taken all the risk and he's reaping all the reward. You've come along and put your money into his home (a home he's almost kicked you out of twice), while he drives around in YOUR car (not even the car he refuses to sell) meeting other women for coffee. Really?! Are you serious?! I guess they're not kidding when they say love is blind.

The first thing you should do is stop investing your money in someone else's investment - no more until you have some legal claim to the assets.

[Debb]

I can see the bigger picture. He has given up loads. His freedom, his money monthly, he pays me a set amount each month so I can be home with the children. He has helped so much with my 9 year old. She has had such emotional issues since she was 2. He has helped her tremendously. He pays all the bills. But, I feel it can be taken away in a heartbeat. He met this woman a year ago while I was still living 50 miles away playing happy families. I am starting college soon, he will be the one to do school runs etc while I am there. The car he uses mainly to fetch my kids from their Dad's which is 50 miles away. He uses mine for work as his needs an MOT but he used money to pay for a family holiday that we are going on next week. Believe me when I say 95% of the time it is fabulous.

[pennylane1984]

Debb,

Then what is the problem? You can't have it both ways.

[Millie]

I can see the bigger picture. He has given up loads. His freedom, his money monthly, he pays me a set amount each month so I can be home with the children. He has helped so much with my 9 year old. She has had such emotional issues since she was 2. He has helped her tremendously. He pays all the bills. But, I feel it can be taken away in a heartbeat. He met this woman a year ago while I was still living 50 miles away playing happy families. I am starting college soon, he will be the one to do school runs etc while I am there. The car he uses mainly to fetch my kids from their Dad's which is 50 miles away. He uses mine for work as his needs an MOT but he used money to pay for a family holiday that we are going on next week. Believe me when I say 95% of the time it is fabulous.

Lol okay so his financial contribution isn't the issue, him meeting the woman for coffee isn't the issue, him using your car isn't the issue, and he gets bonus points for the school runs he might make in the future while you're at college. Seemingly the issue is the fact that you feel everything can be taken away in a heartbeat - but you're not yet divorced from your husband so marriage isn't an option even if it were the appropriate next step (sorry, not from where I'm sitting) and I'm going to take a punt and guess that you're going to tell me next that him not thinking it's important doesn't mean he doesn't give a flying f**k that you feel insecure. Perhaps you could be clearer about what it is you want us to assist you with.

[Debb]

I suppose in a nutshell. Am I being selfish to expect him to sell his car? Am I being selfish asking him to write a will?

[Debb]

And, the marriage thing. To me it is huge. If he doesn't ever change his mind on it he knows that I won't hang around forever, I want him to want to marry me. He wants to me with me forever, we love each other so much, have known each other on and off for near on 30 blooming years lol He just can't see how marriage would make things different. So frustrating.

[pennylane1984]

And, the marriage thing. To me it is huge. If he doesn't ever change his mind on it he knows that I won't hang around forever, I want him to want to marry me. He wants to me with me forever, we love each other so much, have known each other on and off for near on 30 blooming years lol He just can't see how marriage would make things different. So frustrating.

That is because you are willing to give him a child without the benefit of marriage. You are selling yourself short in that deal. Just my opinion.

[Debb]

That is because you are willing to give him a child without the benefit of marriage. You are selling yourself short in that deal. Just my opinion.

I just see that time is short. I have signs of early menopause. He was in a long term relationship many years ago and had a very low sperm count but got scared to have more tests. Typical burying head. I presume it will never happen. But, I suppose I am talking a huge risk. Not really thought about that before oddly.

I have just had a good talk to him actually and made him listen. He is going to sort a will out as soon as we get back off holiday. All I ask if for enough money to start again but his dad would inherit everything and really wouldn't want the burden. So I will see what he decides.

Marriage. He has said he will happily marry me but he can't understand what it woyld change in our relationship.

The car. I am going to wait until this one is discussed. There are only a handful of this car in the country. By the time we pay for MOT etc it will be too late in the year to sell. So, might let him have fun with it this summer but by next spring I will see how the land lies.

Thanks. I feel you gave me the confidence to realise that I wasn't going mad.