What are your opinions on boundaries for touching other people outside relationship?

[WaterSprite]

Ok, I know "touching people" is a pretty wide category so let me give some specifics. I have been in a serious relationship for a year and a half. A few months ago, I learned something which to me was very disturbing: My boyfriend and his female best friend cuddle. In bed. At night. Once a week. He strokes her arm and such... Of course, he lied to me about it for a whole year until I sensed something was up and asked outright because, quote, he knew it would hurt me. Why would he continue it knowing it would hurt me when he has always said he wants to take some of the pain out of my life? I happen to know that before me he had a major crush on her. Now, he claims she is like a sister to him.

Ironically, he used to have a crush on his sister. But that aside... I tried desperately to explain to him that this crossed my boundaries... that I had given myself to him emotionally and physically in every way, and expected the same. I personally feel that any form of intimate cuddling should be reserved for your partner if you are in a long term relationship. He doesn't understand, or says he doesn't understand, what the hell I'm talking about. Finally I told him he simply couldn't be cuddling with her like that, and he was mad, and she was really angry, and I felt like some horrible person for wanting my boyfriend to be totally physically faithful (I actually find cuddling to often be a more intimate thing than sex, because it can be more vulnerable).

Eventually he did stop, but he has never agreed with it. I don't want him to stop against his will, so it makes it hurt more. But I don't want him cuddling with another woman.

Now, in present day: Yesterday I wet to a party with him. She was also there. She sat down on the other side of him and started running her fingers through his hair!!! Not just a quick and playful hello, or a teasing gesture. Languorously and obviously happily stroking his hair in an EXTREMELY sensual fashion. He wasn't doing anything about it. I left and he followed me outside and asked what was wrong, so I told him that it hurt to see her stroking his hair like that because for me it's something very intimate. I asked him if he did the same to her and he said yes, that he loves playing with her hair.

At this point I feel kind of numb. But all my friends and family are saying they feel the same way, that this is not appropriate contact when in a serious and loving relationship with one woman.

What do you think?

[4 ratties]

OMG I would dump him, definetly not cool with that

[pennylane1984]

Dump his ass. If the shoe was on the other foot he would never be cool with a man doing those things with you. And I don't care if you tell him that and he denies it. This guy is a tool. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. ISH. How much female attention does he need/want? And his gal pal is attracted and wants him for herself. And if she doesn't want him then she is just using him until another guy comes in the picture for her. They are both disrespecting you but I'd be more worried about your bf because who cares about her. What a loser. He thinks that this is acceptable? How old is he? And he had a crush on his sister or were you being sarcastic about this "friend"? You can do so much better!

[anonymous_a]

WOW! That is completely unacceptable! It is one thing to go to a party and pass out next to someone, cuddle by accident, or whatever; but the fact that he has known this woman for quite some time, and he used to have feelings for her, makes this completely unacceptable! If they are upset that you want it to stop, then you need to either tell them to have eachother, or tell them too ****ing bad! Cuddling is a way of expressing your emotional feelings, through physical activity, and even her actions at the party, are completely crossing borders!

[smackie9]

Ummmm your BF has the hots for this girl STILL and he is lying to you. It's possible he is hinting at a threesome or an open relationship. At any rate you need to end this relationship. Tell him that there isn't room for all of you in this relationship and that three is a crowd.


You put a stop to this? are you that much of a push over you stayed with him after that? Girl have some self worth. There ain't a penis worth all that.....I don't care how big it is......

[catnip]

dump him.

Don't bother discussing this with him and trying to resolve it - because even if he does stop for you, the desire will still be there.

[searock]

Dump him!! What a clueless jerk. Of course it's totally inappropriate to share that kind of physical intimacy with anyone other than your partner.

He never got over his female friend. What a dysfunctional relationship those two have. Walk away from that mess, you can do so much better.

[michelle23]

what is wrong with you that you havnt ended this relationship? hun he settled for you! he always wanted her and still does but shes obviously friendzoned him or else hes f**king her behind your back ! if hes nit-its only coz she wont and he prob fantazises about her when hes sleeping with you! sorry i know you dont want to hear that but its the truth. he would drop you like a hot potato if she told him she has feelings for him.

i cant believe you have so little self-respect that you didnt end this sham of a relationship as soon as you found out. break up with him right now and no matter what he says or does-you do NOT take him back.

in future stay the f away from guys who have close female friends. men only become friends with a girl if they want her as a gf or sex.. they dont want her as a friend.

you need to walk away-your just a backup plan. youll always be second best to her.

theres plenty of guys who would never lie to you or hurt you. go find one.

btw what he is doing IS cheating! id be vsurprised if they havnt slept together but even if they havnt-her sleeping in his bed IS cheating!

[namemyname]

this is not appropriate contact when in a serious and loving relationship with one woman.

Totally agree it's not!

Problem is...you're neither in a serious, nor loving relationship.

[JJhon]

Breaking up is the only solution

Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2

[UnderTheMoon]

OMFG.

First off, **** that guy, seriously. All he has done is worked on you to try and make you want he wanted and then the real thing changed it's mind and he is dabbling with both of you.

I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but grow a spine girl! You should have NEVER accepted this in the slightest, you should have dumped him the first time you found this information out and disappeared out of his life with the bat of an eyelash.

NO one should ever be someone's second choice, and if I were you I would leave this relationship, take the time to recover emotionally and properly set my prospects, and then find a guy who IS WORTH YOUR TIME! : ( I hate reading posts like this. In the end it is just sad and everything is always easier said than done.

Get angry and tell them both to **** off and just leave. If you've been giving him your best why does she get the best of him? Not right and this just means it's time to pack up and go.

Good luck to you. You seem like a really nice lady, but you don't need to be trampled on. Toughen up and let us know how it goes!

[TablesandChairs]

The guy sounds a bit slow...have you noticed that? I mean, maybe he thinks it's okay, maybe he doesn't know how to behave in relationships...but really, he's being retarded (probably deliberately). I don't think you'll get loyalty out of him and I think she's the one who just wants to cuddle whereas he would happily do more if she allowed it. She obviously doesn't want him as a partner (probably because he's dumb) but she likes the affection whenever the mood arises.

Don't be silly, dump the dumbo.

[MOVINGforward]

Dump him! Immediately.
Clearly he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. He's in an emotional relationship with both of you. You've told him you aren't ok with it, and he doesn't seem to care. You obviously want to be in a relationship with someone who completely respects you, and he doesn't.
DUMP HIM!!

[Philip123]

Agree with this completely

[michelle23]

Hes not slow at all. He just doesn't have enough respect for OP or love her enough to even care how this makes her feel. he knows its wrong but thinks "meh she will forgive me and even if she doesn't-who cares, I'm not losing anything special" If he honestly believed he was doing nothing wrong he wouldn't have kept this a secret for a year!! The bff is his gf in every way expect she wont have sex with him. You are the one he f**ks-he gets everything else from her without the title of being in a relationship or without sex. If this b**tch agreed to be his gf and agreed to sleep with him-you would be dumped straight away hun.

I hope you have spilt up with him. if you decide to stay with him-please get some help for your co-dependency. You are the third wheel in this relationship, the other woman, the rebound, the back up plan, the easy sex, to be picked up and dropped whenever. If both of you text him at the same time and asked to hang out-he would choose her.