I Love My Family, But I Love Him

[neen]

I (19) and my boyfriend (21), have been together for almost two years now, we both understand we haven't completely matured yet, which is obviously okay for our age but we're getting there. That being said, we had a few arguments here and there in the past and I ended up crying. My mom saw me crying and refused to let me see him anymore. We have changed quite a bit since then, it's been 4 months and we realize our mistake but I've tried countless times to ask my mom to let me see him and she goes crazy. She once said "if you we're on your death bed and he was your only medicine I'd tell the doctors to just let you die".

I'm middle eastern so we are all about "reputation" and he is as well, however, I was a le to see him before,... But I can't now. My parents are divorced and were married young so my mom is extra worried, about reputation and me making the same mistakes as my parents. ...

I don't know what to do because this is really stressing the both of us out and we both have more important things to deal with like school and not this stupid crap. It's such a headache to try to sneak a way to see him. It's tearing us apart and I don't want to lose him. What should I do?

Ps. I can't move out, cultural reasons .. Lol

[namemyname]

If you live in your parents house as an adult, as you are, then you live by their rules, and allow yourself to be infantilized.

[neen]

It's not that I allow myself to be "infantilized". I am unable to move out until marriage. It's our culture, otherwise it's shameful and my name will instantly be ruined within my community. And my family has a really really good name. I can't ruin that for them.

[LifeInflux]

If you live in your parents house as an adult, as you are, then you live by their rules, and allow yourself to be infantilized.

She gives good advice and uses the word infantilized in the same sentence. Thats a double whammy folks.


If your parents aren't going to budge, and you can't move out... sounds like you have little choice in the matter.

[neen]

So basically what you're telling me, is that I should just drop him? .... To keep my parents happy ?

[namemyname]

It's not that I allow myself to be "infantilized". I am unable to move out until marriage. It's our culture, otherwise it's shameful and my name will instantly be ruined within my community. And my family has a really really good name. I can't ruin that for them.

If your parents are divorced, their name is already ruined.

Get over it.

[UnderTheMoon]

If you live in your parents house as an adult, as you are, then you live by their rules, and allow yourself to be infantilized.

She said she was middle eastern and some cultures over there, the youth or unmarried children don't leave until they do find a spouse. This can also be a religious thing too not just strictly cultural, so I don't think it's that she doesn't want to leave, some families have a heavy cultural background that is hard to break from and it can be one of two ways, do as your culture or religious preference raised you to be, or be shunned by your family. I don't know though for sure but I wouldn't be so harsh with that last part.


You two just need to step away, understand that you have feelings and get your life together, yours and his. I don't know your exact cultural background or religious preferences, if you have any at all but I would say to tell him to get his life together. If this is how I think it is, he would win your families approval if he could show he could care for you and not make you cry. I can't give you any clear advice though because I don't know the whole situation. All you said was middle eastern, that he made you cry and your mother flipped, but you live in Canada so I don't know how strong all this plays a part in your life. It sounds like he isn't a bad guy and maybe your mother misunderstood the situation? I don't know. More details would be helpful. :/

Why can't you move out exactly?

[UnderTheMoon]

woops, there are my details. lol

[LifeInflux]

So basically what you're telling me, is that I should just drop him? .... To keep my parents happy ?

The thing is, it sounds like you want to make them both happy, in a situation where that can't happen and have you be happy at the same time. If you can't tell your parents to back off because you want to see him, and if you can't move out so you can live your life the way you want to, then what other choices do you have? To try sneaking around? Do you see that being a successful option in the long term?

[neen]

If your parents are divorced, their name is already ruined.

Get over it.

My moms family.. The family I currently live with. Look, thanks for your advice and all, but I don't think I want it. I don't know if you're trying to be rude, but you're coming off as rude. My mother was abused and cheated on.. Not divorced by choice because of a small issue. My family is Christian and very well educated, and we try our best to follow the bible. So please don't tell me to "get over it". If you can't give sincere advice, please don't give attitude. Thanks.

[HeartIsAching]

It's not that I allow myself to be "infantilized". I am unable to move out until marriage. It's our culture, otherwise it's shameful and my name will instantly be ruined within my community. And my family has a really really good name. I can't ruin that for them.

Can't my ass. You choose not to.

[neen]

To be honest, my mom got my father involved and he was a bit realistic and reasonable by saying, as long as you're both in school and he is educated,.. But I'm currently doing medical studies in college and transferring to university after.. So he wants me to at least graduate college first. Which, is fine with me, (better than nothing) but my mom is the issue.
My dads main focus is that, because I was studying law for a year, but I realized my interest was in math and chemistry, so he thinks I'm not sure about what I want in my life at all and that I'm unstable. Which I can agree and disagree with.

[neen]

You don't understand that when a woman of my culture moves out, a man will assume she sleeps around and has things to hide,.. My culture isn't very equal. So either she moves out because she lives in another country or city alone or her parents died and has no family or she is married. Guys have the upper hand, so your ass is completely wrong. Lol. Have an open mind and try to understand some cultures don't have it so easy.

[Sparkling]

Based on my experience... a lot of it comes down to the 'community'... Oh god. The amount of backstabbing and bitchiness in this so called 'community' is unreal, and I reckon your parents may be trying to conform to what's expected of an Middle Eastern family by trying to get rid of your boyfriend.

Don't let your parents know his address/contact details either and keep your phone away from them... otherwise they may begin to pressure him as well.

Other than that, all I can really say is make it incredibly clear that you're not willing to budge.

[namemyname]

Your whole story is BS, love. One huge contradiction and hypocrisy. Your Mother is feeding you shit to control you, and you're buying every piece of it.

Your Middle Eastern culture is so stringent that you can't move out until marriage, due to the overwhelming importance of maintaining a family reputation that is already sullied not only in the eyes of your culture, but the eyes of the Church, due to your parents divorce?

Grow up, and realize your Mom is going to prevent you from being with ANY man, because she clearly hates men. If your Mother won't let you date your BF because you cried from a fight, then you might as well realize you will be living at home, and single, until she dies.

I have a friend who is Iraqi, and lives at home at 33 because she, too, won't move out until marriage, yet brings home guys, dates whomever she pleases...