Male friend of a few years stopped talking to me after getting a girlfriend?

[shortyrock]

I've been casual friends with a man at work for a few years now. Our friendship has never been "serious" or anything other than plationic. We share a love for the same Author and would have a great time discussing his works and other literiture, as well as just having general good conversation and lots of laughs. Our friendship was mostly and in office friendship, although we happened to attend the same company seminars and would sometimes grab something to eat afterwards (sometimes with other coworkers too). Again, all very casual and light hearted. We had eachother's phone numbers, but would only text occasionally (usually about the books we had in common or something funny about work).

I had a serious boyfriend throughout most of my years knowing him, and I assume he had girlfriends. It was never something we talked about, although I would mention "my boyfriend" in conversations that were relevent. There was never an inappropriate conversation or phsyical encounter between us. I genuinely enjoyed his company as a friend and thought he felt the same. Just someone who if I happened to work along side of, we would have a fun time.

This all seemed to change last summer when he started dating his current girlfriend. We were still friends at this time, and we even talked about her briefly. I told him how great I thought it was, that she seemed so sweet, that she was a cute girl etc. After the summer was over, he started getting very distant. I continuted talking to him in a friendly way, to which he started shying away from. He seemed to avoid me and when we talked there wasn't that banter that two old friends have. I took the hint, and backed off. When we run into eachother now it's almost awkward. We're still cordial, but it's like we were never buddies.

I'm confused and a little hurt because I considered him my friend (at least while at work). I could completely understand him cutting me out if our friendship was ever sexual or leading towards a relationship, but it was never even a little bit close to that. We didn't even hang out or talk on a frequent basis outside of work. I'm not devesated or strongly hurt, because I was not attatched to him emotionally in away way, which is why I'm just confused and asking for a 3rd opinion instead of asking him "hey, what happened?". I feel like that's way too much and slightly creepy considering the extent of our friendship. I just miss my buddy at work.

Am I missing something?

Sidenote: I heard through the grapevine that they broke up for a period of time, and during this period he seemed much more comfortable around me. Weird?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

He wants to bone you.

[michelle23]

Id say he always saw you as more than a friend and when he realized it wasnt gonna happen-he tried to move on. Leave him alone. Men and women cant be "just friends"

[shortyrock]

I have backed off, quite awhile ago. He's friends with other females around the office currently. If he saw me as more than a friend, why wouldn't he try to make a move? Or at least initiate more contact?

[Millie]

It is possible that he more than likes you. If that's the case then when he started dating the girlfriend things would probably have felt somewhat conflicted to him. Perhaps he was even looking for you to be 'jealous' when he first started dating her? Did you ever get that sense? Of course it's equally possible that there's no real reason behind the change in his behaviour, that he's just one of those people who runs hot and cold for no obvious reason. If I were you I actually would ask him, maybe not as directly as 'hey what happened' though, I'd probably just go the 'hey, it's been a long time since we touched base, how are things?' and hope that that conversation took us to a point where I could ask without it being misconstrued as anything more than casual friendship type interest.

[smackie9]

I think too that he liked you more than a friend and feels he needs to cut off those feelings now by distancing himself. Yes he has a new GF and at the same time has to start getting over you. Him acting awkward is a pretty good indication he had sexual thoughts about you. I don't see a point to quiz him on what is going on with him....if it's what we say it is, it's doubtful he's going to truthfully reveal that he is working real hard on getting you out of his head.

[lalalita]

Hey may not have known how to approach you for a relationship, or, he may have just been sexually attracted to you and not the type of man to have a "fling". When things got serious with his girlfriend, he may have felt guilty or conflicted being in your presence. I don't think you've done anything wrong here. You did the right thing by stepping back and letting him just act however he's going to act. It's unfortunate that you lost a friend, but a *real* friend would have kept your friendship the same if there was really nothing going on in his head.

I commend him for being a stand up guy and knowing when to back off for sake of his relationship, but I think it would have been nice of him to not just leave you hanging after years of company. Although, telling you he "needs to back off" would have made things awkward anyway since you view things in a platonic way.

[LifeInflux]

Id say he always saw you as more than a friend and when he realized it wasnt gonna happen-he tried to move on. Leave him alone. Men and women cant be "just friends"

Of course we can! I have plenty of female friends that are only friends. I ain't even gay about it neither!

[smackie9]

99% of the time when a guy is "friends" with a female he has sexual/romantic ulterior motives and not all guys will have the balls to act upon it.

It's a no brainer guys are more sexually motivated than women are.

[LifeInflux]

99% of the time when a guy is "friends" with a female he has sexual/romantic ulterior motives and not all guys will have the balls to act upon it.

It's a no brainer guys are more sexually motivated than women are.

I disagree to an extent, even though just responding to your post makes me want to make out with you smackie, I have female friends I would never consider touching sexually with a 10 foot... other person. Unless they were a really nice 10 foot person and I set them up on a date.


What I'm saying though is, there is no rule that men and women can't be platonic friends. And even if there was, theres always an exception to the rule.

I do agree that the OPs friend wanted to get some though.

[smackie9]

I disagree to an extent, even though just responding to your post makes me want to make out with you smackie, I have female friends I would never consider touching sexually with a 10 foot... other person. Unless they were a really nice 10 foot person and I set them up on a date.


What I'm saying though is, there is no rule that men and women can't be platonic friends. And even if there was, theres always an exception to the rule.

I do agree that the OPs friend wanted to get some though.

That's why I said 99%....you obviously are the 1% I didn't refer to.


**just because I mentioned blow job in another post shouldn't motive you to make out with me.....or should it? lol

[michelle23]

Of course we can! I have plenty of female friends that are only friends. I ain't even gay about it neither!

Do you text these friends daily? go for dinner/drinks alone? confide in them about your problems? Lean on them for emotional support? That is the difference. A girl can do all that with a female friend without it getting weird. Do it with a male friend and over time you become too close and one of you starts developing feelings.

Men normally fall for a woman who he can lean on emotionally. Its just a fact so start doing that with a female friend and she automatically becomes more than that

Most of the time when a man makes a new female friend-he has a hidden agenda. The exception may be if he met these friends through his sister or wife or went to school with them and hung out as part of a large group.

Other than that-its never platonic