help please :( sorry for the long post

[twinkle_82]

so i had this 7-year online friend. he's 5 years younger than me.we had been in a short term online relationship before but he eventually had a real relationship before he even told me. i just found out about it after. so we were in a hiatus for a while and we resumed our online friendship and had constant communication all throughout his different relationships all those years.

here's a little bit of info about him. he usually gets attracted to blonde blue-eyed girls (who doesnt?) but preferably Polish girls. I'm totally nothing and opposite of the aforementioned qualities. he's muslim and would only marry a virgin girl who will convert or is a muslim.

just this year, we started chatting frequently... almost everyday for many hours. we talked about anything and everything. he's been single for almost a year and a half already. he started suggesting and convincing me to visit his country (he's from europe and i'm from asia). he said he would help with the expenses if i decided to go there so we could finally meet. but my family objected considering the distance and i have to travel alone.

so he ended up going to asia. his family and friends were against it. but he went anyway. we planned the entire trip for months. we decided to meet in thailand for a few days, proceeded to singapore and spent time with my brother and sister, visited malaysia and cambodia after for 2 weeks. i spoke mainly for him coz his english is not excellent and he barely understands what people say in different countries.

we had a great time. no awkwardness at all whatsoever. i know we tried to meet as friends but we acted more than just friends after a couple of days together. he was sweet, protective and intimate especially when we're in private and i cant help but respond as well.

when we're outside, he would wrap his arm around me while walking. but here's the catch: whenever blonde girls are within eyesight, he would immediately take his arm off and make me walk ahead of him. bad sign, right? and it didnt just happen once so i dont think it's just coincidence. when he noticed i started walking away from him, he got mad and he said i was just paranoid.

we were intimate during the entire trip. more like friends with benefits without clarifying anything or even bothered to talk about it. he knew i never had relationships before. so everything was new and first for me. i was naive and in "whatever" mode that time that i didnt even bother to question anything.

when we went home, he ran with me to my flight terminal gate. i was in a hurry coz they were giving the final call already. so we had a short moment of goodbye and he said he hopes i could come and visit his country. he gave me chaste kisses on my cheeks.. like what he did in our first meeting and i had to get in the aircraft. it got me confused. he was intimate during the entire trip but couldn't give a proper last kiss.

i went home thinking about everything. i was so confused. so i asked him about it. he said if i waited a bit longer, he would've have kissed me properly. i was not expecting anything. i just simply wanted to understand what those 2 weeks were and why was he so intimate. if he wanted us to just be friends, he shouldn't have complicated our relationship.

he we're not just friends. we're more than friends. he said i'm "special" for him coz we've known each other for many years and i'm not usual for him. he said he wouldnt have been intimate if he didnt have feelings as well. he couldnt even say what he meant with feelings. i know horny is also a feeling. lol. he said i'm "special" for him but wont label anything.

i told him i think im starting to fall for him again because of the intimacy that we shared. wrong decision, i know. but i just wanted to say it. i didnt have anyone to talk to about my personal and private problems except with him. i was not expecting anything from him. i just wanted someone to talk to coz i was so confused. he said i'm pressuring him coz of what i said... that was not my intention at all.

anyway, our communication has started dwindling and had frequent arguments. he said he's busy with work, chores, etc. but here's the thing, i know he's been chatting with a polish girl he knew when he went for his euro volunteer work in poland. everytime i ask about her, he would get mad and wont answer anything about it.

we used to talk about everything and anything especially girls. now, we can talk anything except about her. so i get paranoid everytime why he wont answer a simple question if he's chatting with her or the girl is online. he said i should stop acting childish and stop talking nonsense coz she's just his friends. they just enjoy talking with each other. he said he cares a lot about me but no guy can bear my moodiness and emotional tantrums. he said i wont believe his answers anyway. what is there to believe when he doesnt even answer them?

i told him, if he's interested with her or with anybody, he can just say so i know when to exit. i just dont want the same thing that has happened before to happen again. i just wanted whatever our relationship we have to be open and honest. i just dont want surprises. he said i shouldnt make the polish girl a big issue. he said if i continue asking nonsensical questions, it's best if we stop talking coz it irritates him.

so i decided to stop talking to him today. it's pointless when i cant even ask simple questions anymore. i dunno but that polish girl is really bothering me. my gut says there's more to it than just friendship. i get so stressed out already i just need to get away from it all. it hurts to think about those 2 weeks wasted just to ruin our friendship.

but i need to let him be where he is happy. as i said, if he wanted us to be great friends, he shouldnt have acted the way he acted during the entire trip. he shouldnt have complicated everything. and i don't know what he meant with "special". i dont even know how a special person acts or what she should or shouldnt expect.

sorry for the long post but i've kept everything inside. i had to let it ot. hoping to hear your opinions and say on this. i would greatly appreciate it. thanks in advance!

[Love is war]

There's no future with him.He will only marry a Muslim girl.

[twinkle_82]

thanks for your reply. but i'm not dreaming of marrying him. i just want to understand his behavior.

[MOVINGforward]

Online relationships/friendships can feel so intense because you can chat so openly and easily. You can share you biggest secrets and feelings because you never have to say it to the persons face. But this has gone on for 7 years. This is far too long. You have become to so close and reliant on this guy, that you are just so used to having him in your life. You said you haven't really had relationships - have you not been pursuing any other relationships during this 7 years?? Because he obviously has been, and it seems has just been using you for companionship until he found a girl he wants to be with. You've completely committed yourself to this online guy and now that he's found someone else, he doesn't need you anymore, which has left you completely confused and frustrated and hurt. That makes you obsess over the situation more and more, which winds you up more and more. I get where you are at, but you need to break contact. There is no future with this guy. When you did finally meet up, he was incredibly disrespectful to you by still trying to impress the blonde girls. How ridiculous. He travelled specifically to see you, yet still was on the lookout for someone else. Break contact and start living your own life - not some half life where you are completely dependent on an online guy who uses you to emotionally prop himself up.
Best of luck

[twinkle_82]

First of all, thank you so much for taking time and for the effort in sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it very much. What you said is an eye opener.

You're right, we've spent so much time sharing things that i'm used to having him in my life. but for most of the 7 years, i was not reliant on him. i had my own life and i was happy. only these past months has his fixture became prominent in my life. I havent been pursuing any real relationships for 7 years coz there's no one who totally interests me and feel the same way back. Also, my life and environment has contributed a lot to my outlook in life when it comes to guys and relationships that i find it hard to even be more than friends with guys. Let alone be in a relationship.

You're definitely right. I'm just his someone while he has no one. He hasnt found someone else yet or so he says. coz he said long distance relationship lacks physical connection and intimacy. and the girl he's chatting with is in another country as well and also not a muslim. but her country is just near to his. unlike mine.

He said i shouldnt ruin our relationship by being paranoid. He said he was just looking at other girls during the trip and there is nothing wrong with looking. I told him, "yes, there's nothing wrong with looking. but detaching and distancing yourself is totally a different story. I know we're not a couple and you're very much available but what you did made me feel like you're ashamed to be seen with me." he said he wouldn't have traveled far and risked much just to meet and be with me if he only wants to be with blonde girls coz after all, there are many blonde and pretty girls in his country. At least that's what he said.

Anyway, yes, i've decided to break contact with him now. I can't continue being stressed out with something where only i seem to care. I know it's still too soon but i know gradually i will be back to my old self soon.

thank you so much! i greatly appreciate it!

[MOVINGforward]

Everyone deserves a partner that treats them with respect!

I wish you all the best!