How do we stop loving them?

[Loralie]

Little background:
I have been a solo mum for 15 years, my 'baby' is now all grown up.
I have not been celibate all that 15 years, I had casual relationships, and one or two not to casual ones, but nothing of significant length or intensity of feeling. Over the years I have become increasingly isolated, many of my friends have moved away, and my parents and I no longer speak.

12 months ago I met a guy, it was supposed to be a casual meeting but we both fell for each other pretty hard. There were a lot of issues but we kept stumbling on. I for one was very committed to this relationship.
4 weeks ago I went overseas on a trip I have been planning for 10 years, with his blessing. First week we were on the phone every day, planning my return. second week was the same... third week suddenly I could not get hold of him. when after three days I did get hold of him, he sounded different.
Turns out he had gone to our favourite holiday spot and bought an onsite mobile home, and the girl he bought it from and he got talking and that led to coffee which led to dinner which led to sex. "I was going to call and talk to you" he said. I extracted myself from that conversation hastily. I did not know what to think except be shocked and disappointed. Interestingly I was more angry that he had spent that kind of money than that he slept with someone else...
Next I texted him... was he sleeping with her because I was unavailable or was he wanting to leave me for her. He replied he did not know.
I texted: Not to sway you in one direction or the other but merely a statement of fact, I remain committed to us, and the future we planned together.
A week went by with no word and me very morose. I finally called him - and told him to put me out of my misery and tell me his decision.
"I am in a relationship" (yeah you dumb shmuck - i should have said - with me!)
Well he is getting my mail while i am away, and because he was going to pick me he has the key to my apartment. No problem he says still want to be your friend...(ugh! I hate that line! - when you were my lover you were my friend I shared intimate details of my life with you, now you are not my lover I can not be your friend, I have no interest in hearing about your new lover!)

So you can imagine this has put a dampener on my holiday - which was 10 years in the planning!
But I am still not angry - rather kind of hopeful, and sad, and disappointed. Scared of being alone again. Uncertain of how to carry on, but trying to enjoy myself.


Until I needed an important letter, for three days straight I rang every hour, then every half hour, this is a guy who ALWAYS answers his phone, even once during sex! suddenly he is not answering his phone.
I hate what this is turning me into... I dont stalk people!...

So, why do we fall for guys that treat us so badly?
Why do we keep going back to them?
How do we stop the cycle?
Am I desperate, yeah I guess I am, I am 43 I have until this last basically been alone for 14 years, I am isolated, and I love him with my whole being, and I fear being alone again, it took so long to find this one, as imperfect as he is.

I feel like I have been cheated (note not cheated on rather cheated)
I want to jump up and down like a 3 year old and say this is not fair.
I want him I want him I want him.
So,
how do we stop fooling ourselves, cause obviously he didn't mean a thing if after two weeks he does this to me.
How do I stop loving him?

thanks for reading

[michelle23]

sorry but your a doormat. you should have dumped him. i find it pathetic that you said "i am still committed to us" women like you are the reason men like him continue to exist. id have threatened to cut his balls off if he ever came anywhere near me again and id be as cold as ice, sharp as a blade to cut all ties with the cunt.

you need to grow a backbone

[Wakeup]

The problem is with you and the type of man you allow yourself to become vulnerable to before they've shown you that they care and value you.

Read this book and perhaps get yourself some personal councelling to help you with your lack of self-worth. You were more upset about his spending the kind of money it takes to buy a mobile home then you were with him sleeping with someone else? You'd take him back if he'd have you? You settled for a string of casual relationships? Work on yourself so that you are proud enough of YOU that you'd kick a douche like you're in love with to the curb without ever wanting to beg for him back.

Here's the book, Loralie:

http://www.amazon.com/Facing-Love-Addiction-Giving-Yourself/dp/0062506048/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371751528&sr=1-1&keywords=on+love+addiction

Here's a synopsis of the book:

The author of the bestselling Facing Codependence unravels the intricate dynamics of toxic love relationships and shows us how to let go of toxic love. In this revised and updated edition of Facing Love Addiction, internationally recognised dependence and addiction authority Pia Mellody clearly outlines the debilitating ′toxic′ patterns played out by love addicts and the unresponsive love avoidants to whom they are painfully and repeatedly drawn.

Read that and hopefully afterward you'll have learned how to "stop loving them."

[basilandthyme]

Hi Loralie, I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

The reason some people fall for partners who are bad for us is because they aren't brave enough to say "this isn't good enough, I'm moving on". In short, they settle for something which is broken and hope it will get better.

In your case, you should have taken a long hard look at the point where "there were a lot of issues, but we kept stumbling on". Hon, if there are a load of issues - you get out before you get hurt. A good relationship simply doesn't have a lot of issues.

Be brave enough to walk away from 'not good enough'

[vashti]

"Increasing isolation" does funny things to the psyche. Believe me when I say I KNOW it's hard, but let him go, and reestablish ties with friends, and maybe try to pick up a hobby or two.

[VerticalMoon]

In your case, there was a number of reasons why you fell for the wrong guy. As you say, you were feeling desperate after being alone for so long. That makes it hard not to want to jump at the idea that you might have finally found the one.

You also weren't helping yourself by getting involved with guys for a casual meeting/relationship when deep down you really wanted something more serious. If you were looking to find somebody who you wanted for a long term relationship, you would have most likely been focusing on the traits that are most important in a long term partner- such as loyalty and dependability. Since you were meeting somebody who was looking for something casual and fun, you were probably focused more on other traits-such as good looks, a carefree attitude, etc. Those are the same traits that make a guy likely to get involved with somebody else after you've only been away for a couple of weeks.

Also, you made things worse for yourself by being overly committed to him when you shouldn't have. There were problems and warning signs from early on. You should have been paying attention and asking yourself if this was the really right guy for you. Instead, you'd already made up your mind that regardless of who or what he was you would stick by him. Commitment has it's time and place in a relationship, but giving it out too freely makes it harder to walk away from somebody when you should.

Part of the reason you're going back to him now is because your mind is set in the idea that it's worth doing anything to keep him. It's hard to change that thinking when you've been stuck with it for so long. Another big part is that he was a large source of your fulfillment over this past year. You don't have anything else to offer you those same things, so you keep hoping you can still get it from him.

It's going to take time to get over him. The less contact you have, the sooner you'll get over him. You just have to keep reminding yourself over and over again that contacting him isn't worth it. Since you're on vacation right now, maybe you could leave your cell phone behind in the hotel room while you go out exploring. That way you can focus on the sights for a while without having the option of calling him. If you have his number on speed dial, you should get rid of that as well so it's harder to call him. You can also make a list of all the reasons why he's not worth speaking to anymore, then take it out and read it when you're tempted to call.

When you get back home, I'd suggest getting involved with hobbies and activities that will allow you to meet other people. When you have more friends life, then you won't feel as desperate, so you'll be less likely to end up in another bad relationships. Besides, meeting people through those avenues will increase your chances of finding a guy who's a good match for a long term relationship.