Husband has been sleeping with men

[searock]

He was attracted to women but he found a gay mate that he loved and decided that men were more his thing. He'd rather be with men then women.

Oh, ok. It wasn't black and white.

[Rowen]

Rowen I have to say hats off to you....that is the best most unbiased open mined post in this thread.

Thank you, smackie! lol

Thank you Rowen. That's pretty much where we are - I've cut a long story very short here. No he wasn't bi-sexual when we met and he says he's not now. he's not attracted to men and if he had another long term relationship it would be with a woman. We have spoken about it and he is remorseful, even "disgusted" with himself. I can see the internal turmoil but that doesn't excuse the lying and disregard for me. We are not a "shouty" couple and as far as I'm concerned will remain friends (we've been together for over half of my life) but I feel like he has stolen my life away, everything I held dear I now question (except my daughter of course) and I simply cannot comprehend how you could do that to someone you love.

By all means, I can only imagine how you feel in this. Here is a man who, as you say, has been with you for over half of your entire life and then cheated on you multiple times. That kind of betrayal is not excusable. No doubt, he should have tried to summon the courage to voice all of these feelings with you. After all, you and your daughter both in the marriage with him- not just him alone. However, from what you tell me about his answers, I believe he's in a point of denial and confusion. He may be trying to hold onto your marriage because it's a form of identity- one that shows he's a "normal" (a straight, married man with a child) by societal standards. I've seen this before with a guy I knew. Even though he loved his wife, son, and daughter, what scared him most was embracing attractions inside of him. It led him to sleep around for five years on his wife before actually telling her. I believe this may be a similar case with your husband. He may be trying to lie to himself because he's not ready yet to identify himself as bisexual.

Nevertheless, in your current situation, I don't think it would be emotionally and mentally healthy for you to remain in a marriage like this. And it wouldn't be fair to him either, even though I know he's not the one being betrayed here. So, I feel that you're making the right decision to walk away. I'm glad that you're going to remain on civil terms, as well. I know it hurts right now for you, but you're going to find happiness. And he will too, but he needs to come to terms with things inside of him on his own.No one else will ever hold the answer for him, and if this marriage goes on it will suffocate him too.

He's not attracted to men, but he has been meeting up with strange men at hotels for sex. How much more lying can you stand?

Maybe there is a possibility he was using your marriage as a shield to hide who he really is. It's not uncommon for "closet" gay men to do this, for fear of ridicule or rejection from family and friends.

I don't really think, based on his answers, that it's a "shield." It sounds to me like he honestly believes what he's saying in the truth, despite the fact that he is aroused by men. I believe it's a case of that he's not ready yet to identify himself as bisexual. A divorce will provide him with the space he needs to figure it out, and it will provide our OP with a way to achieve happiness. We all know she deserves it. :S

I'll add that it's important that your daughter sees both you and her father happy and actually getting along. You don't have to be friends but you do have to be friendly and refrain from putting her in the middle of your troubles or from using her as a pawn. But you know that and I'm sure.

^^^ Completely agree ^^^

[ShatteredAgain]

You're so wise Rowen, he absolutely cannot admit that he's gay or bi-sexual and truly believes it when he says he doesn't understand why he does it!

Thanks again all x

[Rowen]

Thanks lol Glad everyone was of assistance to you. I wish you the best of luck, OP!

[IndiReloaded]

I know a collegue where I worked before I retired who lived with his wife, had a daughter with her and stayed with her until their daughter went to University. When she left, he announced to his wife that he was gay rather then bi (they had been having regular sex for 20yrs.) and that he was leaving her to live with his male partner. I found that out about 10 years ago and he and his male partner are still together livining the real life he always wanted.

If your husband is sickened by his proclivities yet he still goes back for more then maybe he should just admit he's actually gay, and learn to enjoy life with the gender he was meant to enjoy it with?

As for my collegue's ex wife? I don't know how she handled it because he was who I knew, not her. I do know that their daughter loves him just as much as she always did (he's a great father) and she sees him and his husband (they married to keep it real) often.

I'm not sure how that helps you Op but perhaps it will help your daughter have a more happy and together father whom she can enjoy because she's sees he's actually happy?

Good luck.

I know a very similar story. Happens.

[Starnique]

This whole thing is disgusting. I don't have a problem with gay men but I do have a problem with gay men who try to sleep with women too. I don't think he should do both, its one or the other. How can you even consider staying with him? I would be turned off completely and there would be nothing he could say to persuade me to stay with him another second. As Michelle said, get tested and move on with your life with your child. He is not going to give that up for you. Surely there were warning signs that you didn't pay any attention to. My suggestion is move on and don't look back, you would be foolish to do anything other then that.

When a man is gay and in denial, then that can be very dangerous. I don't care what he says, he is gay and attracted to men. Straight men don't sleep with men. How can he even try to say that he is not? Wow.

[rafterman]

. I don't have a problem with gay men but I do have a problem with gay men who try to sleep with women too

Apparently if you are bi-sexual, you have a % 100 chance of picking up on a Fri/Sat night.... makes sense when you think about it...lol

[Rowen]

Starnique, there is such a thing as bisexuality... lol

[madelinel]

If I were you, I would leave. There is no point staying in a marriage with a man who doesn't treat you well. You should never settle for less. It is not too late to find your love and happiness again. I know it is a bit scary to have to start all over again when you are so used to having him around in your life. Picture two scenarios. One is where you live a miserable and unhappy life with a gay husband for the rest of your life. Another is where you will meet a good man who loves you and wants to make you the happiest woman in the world. You only have one life. You should live it to the fullest. Good luck, my friend! Wish you well!

[MakingYouFeel]

What if society mandated that women could no longer shop around after marriage. She would only be allowed to shop at one department store and ONLY one department store as long as she stayed married. Wouldn't you find a way to cheat so that you could shop at other stores? THAT'S why men cheat. You would too if the game were rigged and it is for men.

[michelle23]

Shut up makingyoufeel. Nobody puts a gun to a mans head and forces him to get married and many women agree to open relationships, poligny, swapping. If thats what you want, find a woman who shares your view and wants the same things.

I hate people like you who cant accept responsibility for their bad behaviour and try to make excuses.

Nobodyhas a rope tied round your f**king neck and if you want out of the marriage-the f***k off out the door. There are no excuses to live a lie, a double life, pretend to be something your not or cheat.

Get over yourself you loser. Stop playing the victim and grow a pair

[michelle23]

Btw there are lots of men who dont bloody cheat so what do you say about them?

[Rowen]

Shut up makingyoufeel. Nobody puts a gun to a mans head and forces him to get married and many women agree to open relationships, poligny, swapping. If thats what you want, find a woman who shares your view and wants the same things.

I hate people like you who cant accept responsibility for their bad behaviour and try to make excuses.

Nobodyhas a rope tied round your f**king neck and if you want out of the marriage-the f***k off out the door. There are no excuses to live a lie, a double life, pretend to be something your not or cheat.

Get over yourself you loser. Stop playing the victim and grow a pair

Totally off topic, but I love it when you tell it like it is like in this post. lol Honestly, I agree entirely.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, you only have two options: stay or go. You know this. So, if you stay - how will your life pan out? It will become loveless, bitter and soul destroying. You won't trust him but after a while, you won't care; you'll just accept that he's probably off with some guy he met on the internet. Is that a life? He is bisexual, more than likely. And, from what I've noticed, most bisexual men sway more towards the gay side as they age. I don't know why. Maybe it's because they did the socially expected thing in their earlier life and are tired or pretending. Not all gay men are repulsed by sex with a woman; many have had straight experiences and many have been married and had children.

Or, you leave. Yes, you have a child but children survive divorce and can thrive, depending on how they are treated by their primary carer. You divide assets and arrange some kind of child support agreement. You will then have the opportunity to create a better existence for yourself and your child (growing up with two parents who are at odds is not good for a kid) and you may also meet someone else who only wants you.

I would choose the former; there's no way I could be with a man who slept with other guys off the internet like it was a hobby. Also, he has a history of infidelity and I honestly doubt it will end. It won't be easy but I think the end result of staying will be harder. I don't think he loves you as a husband should...and a marriage of convenience is easier said than done. Good luck.