Husband has been sleeping with men

[ShatteredAgain]

Hi, I have just registered here as I don't know where else to turn. By accident, I caught my husband lying about where he was, when I quizzed him he just said he'd got to the hotel and fallen asleep, hence he was late for the stag do he was supposed to be going on. Anyway, to cut a long story short, after 24 hours of "there's nothing to tell, I fell asleep" he confesses this morning that he arranged to meet a guy for sex in the hotel and apparently he's been doing it for years via some website!

We were together for about 13 years before getting married. Things weren't great towards the end and we broke up after he slept with a woman at work. He swore it was a mistake and eventually we got back together and got married. We've been married 10 years this year and have one child. Everything was going fine, us against the world kind of thing. We've been through some pretty stressful things together and what's hurting most is he was lying and cheating the entire time! Nothing feels real anymore, I feel like my life is a total sham and everything we've built together means nothing.

I don't know whether to leave and try to build a new life or carry on as we were on the surface, but with no sex - effectively a marriage of convenience. I hate him and love him at the same time and can't imagine my life without him.

[michelle23]

if i were you i would leave. sure it will hurt for awhile but once you accept its over you will slowly start to heal emotionally. you just have to be strong and realize you deserve so much better. Not only has he been living a lie, pretending to be something hes not all this time and betraying you but he has also put your sexual health at risk. 1 in 7 gay men in the UK have HIV. i think cheating should be a crime. go and get a full health check and get your child checked too. then decide whether your leaving or whether your kicking him out.

you will be okay. look up the five stages of grief. time heals everything. there are much better men out there. you can have a happy future, a new start.

[Wakeup]

I don't know whether to leave and try to build a new life or carry on as we were on the surface, but with no sex - effectively a marriage of convenience. I hate him and love him at the same time and can't imagine my life without him.

Of course you mean YOU have a life without sex while he continues on with his extra-curricular sexual trysts. He's not going to give that up for you.

Why leave now? Just stay and allow him to have sex with others while you do the same. An open relationship. Google it (to get some idea of the rules and regs) and find a forum that caters to those who have marriages of convenience while supplementing the sex elsewhere. That or councelling to help you to get over your simple fear of being alone and then leave him once you've garnered the self-worth and strength to go. Leave him to his extra curricular debauchery.

[michelle23]

i dont think an open relationship will make OP happy. she will likely just fall in love with the first guy she meets-leave her husband for him and then new guy wont trust her at all so they will tear each other apart until she cheats and the same cycle will happen again.. just my prediction

leave nw, get counselling, stay strong. why would you want a convenient relationship with anyone? let alone a narcissistic sex addict who doesnt give a crap about you. go and find yourself someone better. life is way too short to settle for this

[ShatteredAgain]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I have no interest in an open marriage or casual sex with anyone. I guess my question is do I put myself first, and leave, or put my child first and stay. For all his seedy screwing around, he is a great Dad and I don't want to take her away from what otherwise is a stable home. If it were just me i wouldn't even hesitate, I'd be gone now but there's a bigger picture here.

[vashti]

How old is your kid? Maybe you can hang in there until s/he is older...

[ShatteredAgain]

She's only 4 and she has a charmed life at the moment (I'm not talking material things). On the other hand, thousands of other people manage to bring up healthy happy kids as lone parents...

[michelle23]

as long as your child feels loved by both of you-she will be fine. kids bounce back really fast especially younger children.

my aunt stays in a miserable fake marriage for the sake of her kids. the kids are not stupid though-they sense the tension every single day. they are growing up in a home where their parents argue regularly, sleep in separate rooms, never have a kind word for each other and never show any affection. growing up in a home like that-those kids are learning that is normal and they will likely never experience a healyh relationship themselves. her oldest daughter has awful taste in men.

i think its wrong just to stay for the kids coz that way you are teaching them its okay to be deeply unhappy and to settle.

[ShatteredAgain]

Thanks Michelle. The thing is we do get on really well and even now, there's no screaming and shouting. BUT you made a good point in that I should set a good example for my daughter and not teach her that it's ok to be lied to and treated badly. I want her to grow up strong and not be anyone's doormat! So for her sake as well as mine, I do need to leave. Thanks again for taking the time x

[Millie]

1 in 7 gay men in the UK have HIV.

I believe that statistic applies to gay men in London not gay men in the UK, the national statistic would be a lot lower

[michelle23]

im happy for you and i think you have made the right decision. stay strong now, this is a new chapter in your life. your husband falls into a small % of men. you will find a good man and you will be happy. nobody deserves to be betrayed like this. its clear you love your child and you are setting a good example by showing her you are both worth more. teach her to be strong and to never forgive a cheat. learn from this. you shouldnt have forgiven him the first time. from now on it should be one strike and ges out

best of luck to you and your daughter. set up a custody agreement where you have as lite contact with him as possible. he can be a good dad without being involved in your life xx

[Wakeup]

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply. I have no interest in an open marriage or casual sex with anyone. I guess my question is do I put myself first, and leave, or put my child first and stay. For all his seedy screwing around, he is a great Dad and I don't want to take her away from what otherwise is a stable home. If it were just me i wouldn't even hesitate, I'd be gone now but there's a bigger picture here.

I think you were addressing me with this post, Shattered: My take on it is you should put your child first and leave: I don't think it's a good idea to raise children in a home where they see no loving actions, no affection, no fun. If you're going to leave, then leave now and let her have quality time with both of you, apart. Keep her safe by not introducing her to every date you go on. Leave that for when you know it's serious, there has been committment voiced from both sides and you have plans for the future. Choose well next time.

The open marriage suggestion always changes the question of "should I stay and have a sexless marriage." Makes one think about the absurditity of that when you are monogamous by nature and not a-sexual. If you're not monogamous or a-sexual, well then on you go with it.


Good luck.
Call a lawyer and find out your rights and then take action to get the two of you away from your husband. It sounds like he has a sex addiction to be honest.

[anonymous_a]

Of course you mean YOU have a life without sex while he continues on with his extra-curricular sexual trysts. He's not going to give that up for you.

Why leave now? Just stay and allow him to have sex with others while you do the same. An open relationship. Google it (to get some idea of the rules and regs) and find a forum that caters to those who have marriages of convenience while supplementing the sex elsewhere. That or councelling to help you to get over your simple fear of being alone and then leave him once you've garnered the self-worth and strength to go. Leave him to his extra curricular debauchery.

This might be a good idea, the open relationship. However only certain people can really handle the stress of it. But like Wakeup said, google it, read up on it, and maybe it is something you guys can work on.. and who knows maybe it'll liven up your marriage a bit, and maybe even help with your sex life? Who knows. Worth a try, I'd say.

If an open relationship is not something you want to consider, then leave. Just leave. No ifs, ands or buts about it. He will NOT stop doing this for you.

[anonymous_a]

As far as your child is concerned, staying with your husband out of convenience is NOT putting your child first. Your child will get older and realize what's going on, and that is not something you want to teach your child. You're better off being a single parent, then raising a child in a sham.

[michelle23]

OP already clearly said she doesnt want an open relationship. why settle for just sex when she can get the whole package elsewhere away from her husband.

it does sound likr sex addiction to me too as well as borderline narcissistic personality disorder. anyone who can live a lie like this for so long is obviously lacking in empathy, emotional intelligence and integrity. the man you thought you knew doesnt exist. its all a lie, a sham.

im not sure why you are not full of hatred for thiz man. maybe it hasnt sank in yet. but you do need a full health check asap so thats the first thing you should do