monogamy - nature or nurture?

[avine]

So this is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now and I thought Id post it to see what your opinions are.
Is monogamy natural to humans or is it a product of our social history?
For centuries we have lived in the belief that monogamy is the correct way to live, one partner with another, marriage, fidelity. We have been bred and led to know that cheating is bad and evil. This has been part of our upbringing and those of our parents and grandparents therefore it is safe to say it is firmly encoded in our brains that this is the code to live by.
What I ask is it naturally so?
Hypothetically, were this social factor removed would monogamy still be the best way ahead for our relationships?
Is this something that is natural to our species or is it something imprinted in our behavior due to years of education and social interaction that has led us to adopt it as a belief, a code of conduct?
I also want to contemplate this, many people, if not majority, have cheated at some point in their lives. Cheating creates problems, conflict, hatred, pain.
Were cheating as such removed entirely from our lives in such a way that having sexual interaction with another human being were not considered a horrible thing to do, would that not resolve so many issues that are created by the fact that cheating is viewed as wrong?
Can you love someone and have sex with someone else?
I do not side in this post because my beliefs are not important here, I just would like your opinions, if you could contemplate it truly and reasonably and post what you think.
Thanks x

[dickriculous]

So this is a subject that has been on my mind for some time now and I thought Id post it to see what your opinions are.
Is monogamy natural to humans or is it a product of our social history?
For centuries we have lived in the belief that monogamy is the correct way to live, one partner with another, marriage, fidelity. We have been bred and led to know that cheating is bad and evil. This has been part of our upbringing and those of our parents and grandparents therefore it is safe to say it is firmly encoded in our brains that this is the code to live by.
What I ask is it naturally so?
Hypothetically, were this social factor removed would monogamy still be the best way ahead for our relationships?
Is this something that is natural to our species or is it something imprinted in our behavior due to years of education and social interaction that has led us to adopt it as a belief, a code of conduct?
I also want to contemplate this, many people, if not majority, have cheated at some point in their lives. Cheating creates problems, conflict, hatred, pain.
Were cheating as such removed entirely from our lives in such a way that having sexual interaction with another human being were not considered a horrible thing to do, would that not resolve so many issues that are created by the fact that cheating is viewed as wrong?

Most who have researched the subject are leaning toward monogamy being unnatural for both men and women. Geneticists and anthropologists alike will tell you the same thing, the latter reveals that the vast majority of societies before Abrahamic religion came along were polygamous societies, as well as comparisons of our DNA to those we most closely resemble in the animal kingdom - polygamous species of primates. The former, on the other hand, reveals that there are too many variations in our DNA for equal numbers of males and females to have mated throughout history, which leads them to the conclusion that our sexuality has a history of being spread out among multiple partners.

As for your question of whether or not social restraints being removed would still leave monogamy as the best way ahead for our relationships, it's hard to say. Polygamy worked great as the norm when most of the world's societies were tribal in nature. Today, with 7 billion people in the world and tribal societies being almost nonexistent in most parts of the world, it's hard to imagine what would become of our future. My guess is that the concept of family as we know it would cease to exist and the tribal mentality would return, in other words families would merge and morph into miniature cultures within the culture in which these people reside.

Can you love someone and have sex with someone else?

Of course. Love is a type of energy created by hormones and chemicals in your brain, not an arbitrary set of rules that must be followed.

[DivyaMenon35]

Monogamy is definitely not natural for humans if that is the case then I would never be attracted to another male after finding my mate. Even though I have been monogamous my entire life; I have been tempted enough to realise that it's not something that comes naturally to me but rather something I consciously make an effort to be!

[Millie]

I don't think its really a case of monogamy being unnatural so much as it's just human nature to want what we can't have and covet what is not ours. You can tell people the grass is not usually any greener all you like, most times they won't really believe it until they've hopped over the fence and found out for themselves.

As far as history books and the statement "for centuries we have lived in the belief that monogamy is the correct way to live, one partner with another, marriage, fidelity" go, this isn't really the case - men in particular have never been held to a standard of monogamy more-so than they are in the present day - whether it's King Solomon with his 700-odd wives in Biblical Times right through to the 1960's with JFK and his revolving door of mistresses, it's always been more accepted that 'boys will be boys', whereas women were (and mostly still are) held to an entirely different standard.

Nurture certainly would have something to do with how we each feel about monogamy, study upon study seems to claim that we mirror what we experience during our formative years, so that being the case I guess it would make sense that people raised with monogamous parents are more likely to be monogamous in adulthood and vice versa, but obviously in reality, some will and some won't.

The idea that if we made cheating socially acceptable it would be a solution to the problems that arise as a result of cheating is pretty much laughable - building meaningful and committed relationships is what gives life meaning, the reason cheating is considered a bad thing is because it involves betraying the trust of the person you're supposed to love the most - are you really suggesting the solution to that would be to just not build relationships on a foundation of trust in the first place?

If what you mean is wouldn't it be better to just build a relationship from day one on the understanding that monogamy isn't expected, then yes I guess some people would fare a lot better in a relationship with no boundaries or expectations in that area, but from what I can tell those kinds of relationships rarely run for too long before feelings of jealousy and/or resentment take hold.

And as for the question can you love someone and have sex with someone else, that depends on the person and whether or not they can entirely separate the physical act of having sex with the state of being that is love. For me personally the two things are intimately bound so it's not a choice I would make, but I get that not everybody is made that way.

[LifeInflux]

Millie the Hickory Stick is right in a lot of what she speaks.

Monogamy isn't entirely learned behavior, it is a naturally occurring lifestyle in many species throughout the world, which includes some of our evolutionary cousins such as Primates, but also wolves, birds, and so on.

This is compounded on by societal and naturalistic survival, in the animal world as well as in the human world. Pairing of both parents give the offspring a substantially better chance of survival then those with one or sometimes even no parents - in the animal world especially.


Today our societal values follow a similar suit, but instead we contend with other factors, such as complex feelings associated with broken trust, a greater awareness of sexually transmitted diseases, and other various feelings that are more prevalent in humans than most other animals.

The nature of a human isn't necessarily hard wired for monogamy or polygamy or prostitution. As most animals, we are wired for survival. Sexually speaking, staying with someone who guarantees our survival, and then when children come in to the picture, provides their necessary role adequately and in a pleasing manner is what will keep that type of symbiotic relationship strong.


Sleeping around while being in a relationship causes a lot of problems aside from trust and jealousy, it also endangers the group, or the family as in the event more people, not just children but another separate family, comes into play, it can cause concern for the safety of the original partner and offspring in question.


You see something similar in Zebras, where, the males trying to prove their dominance would kill the offspring of other males, and so on throughout nature.


..... ....... ...... what was I talking about again?

[michelle23]

i believe both actually nature and nurture.

i have studied this topic in detail and i believe that humans are naturally monogamous. if you look at our pair bonding hormones oxygocin and vasopressin as well as the hormone dopamine-sex plays a key role in people bonding emotionally, building trust and becoming addicted to your mate over time. these same hormones are what make men and women bond with children also. i think its all connected-we were meant to be a family unit as it ensures our survival as a race

apparantly dinasours were also monogamous which is why they survived for so long...

i honestly think society and nurture has played a key role in why some people cheat. men created money, power, status. they also created the narcissistic belief that people with money are entitled to more. all these people in power were ruthless and collected wives like trophies. there was no such thing as love involved. the porn industry, the media, the warped belief that women should not be sexual-even married women were not allowed to be sexual in the past which made mistresses acceptable as well as prostitutes. societies beliefs, rules, religion etc ensured that men and women were not equal up until the past 50-100 years.

it is only now that we are learning that most women are just as sexual as most men and most men are just as emotional as most women-we just show it in different ways.

i personally believe people who are not monogamous have issues-insecurity, low self esteem, emotional immaturity, co-dependent, fear of being alone, narcissistic, sex addict, hormonal abnormality, bad role models..

i think if it was "natural" to cheat than it wouldn't cause so much pain. most people who do cheat on someone they love feel deep pain, regret, guilt, shame. i believe that is coz their bonding hormones go crazy when they replace their mate with someone else and it hurts the person being betrayed 10x more

many animals are monogamous-wolves, prairie voles, turtle doves, some monkeys, other birds..

i know for sure i am 100% monogamous. i would never sleep with someone i am not emotionally attached to. there has to be long term relationship potential before i would sleep with him. i don't watch porn, have never been on those websites for cyber sex or whatever, have never wanted to sleep with someone that i don't have feelings for but i am very open sexually with my bf. we have a great sex life. i would never cheat on someone and i think the only time i would consider no strings attached is if i went through a bad breakup and was really hurting. however i would only find one person to sleep with if i did that and id have a rule that if hes sleeping with me-hes not sleeping with anyone else.. id worry about STI's etc.

Also I doubt lifting these rules would do anything for society as a large % of people want to be monogamous, would never agree to an open relationship. Those who do want one have that option-they can find someone who shares that same belief. There is nothing wrong with that as long as they are honest about it from the start. The problem is that many people pretend they do want a monogamous union and then cheat and lie.

[michelle23]

im curious to know why your asking? are you trying to justify cheating using this argument? or are you hoping we are naturally monogamous? or are you tdying to figure out why someone cheated on you?

people usuasually dont study this topic unless they have been burned or burned someone

[searock]

I think we tend to be polygamous by nature, but we choose to be monogamous. The fact that being monogamous is a choice doesn't make it unnatural. We can get emotionally attached to more than one person at a time, and we can feel the desire to be in a relationship with all of them. We choose not to do it because we don't want to hurt the person that we are more emotionally attached to, or ruin our relationship with them. If society were structured differently, maybe we would all have the emotional tools to not be hurt if our beloved partner had a relationship with someone else at the same time. Maybe. So maybe we would no longer have to choose only ONE person to be with at a time, and everybody would be happy with it.

What I am absolutely certain about is that if polygamy is what we naturally tend to, both men AND women alike tend to it. Societies in which only men can be polygamous are certainly a result of nurture, not nature. This includes the "western" double standard in which girls are deemed slutty if they sleep around and men are considered lucky and "studs" if they do the same thing. Definitely nurture.

[TablesandChairs]

Good question, people have been debating this forever. I was leaning towards the 'monogamy is unnatural' side until a few years ago when I read that even in polygamous relationships where the man has many wives/partners, he will often highly favor one partner over the others; he'll choose to spend more time with her, give her more money, prefer the children he has with her and so forth. This creates some conflict in these relationships obviously but I think it all comes down to 'choosing' who you connect with best, even in multi-partner settings.

So, monogamy might not be entirely natural (for some, less than others) but I think it's pretty normal to feel a stronger bond with the person you genuinely love that transcends sex so you are naturally more inclined towards them. Hence, it's not surprising that societies 'choose' monogamy - i think it's simply more practical, ensures kids are taken care of by both parents (not always but more so than if their dad had 100 other kids) and allows something meaningful to develop between two people.

Our collective choices can become part of our nature eventually, much like our environment can change us to the point where we are physiologically different to how we would have been if we lived in different conditions. I know plenty of people who have slept around plenty, had multiple partners...yet they still long for a meaningful bond with just one 'special' person. So, who knows.

[michelle23]

I'll also just like to add that non-monogamous animals do not go through a phase of infatuation like humans do. This phase makes us obsessed with our new mate and it is the first stage of love and emotional attachment. Most people cannot have sex with a random person and then just walk away like that person never existed. Most men and women would get attached emotionally even through one sexual encounter.

The only time people do run a mile is if they regret the experience ie. were so drunk they cannot remember, they realize that this person is vile or ugly or a complete man whore/slut.. etc

[horndog]

monogamy in my opinion is a direct result of organized religion.

[DeanW]

Myself, i cant love 2 girls at the same time. If i am with someone, my heart and mind are with her, even if i had 2 girls hitting on me, i would never cheat on my gf. Right now i could have hooked up with different girls, but i only have one in my mind and heart. I dont think its unnatural, to each its own.

[michelle23]

monogamy in my opinion is a direct result of organized religion.

no I think religion made women feel like sex is dirty and bad which meant that they refused to sleep with their husband and when they did-they lay their like a corpse and did not show any enthusiasm. Plus men did not know that women are capable of having an orgasm-it was rare back then to find a woman who actually enjoyed sex which made mistresses and prostitutes acceptable.

Religion has a lot to answer for but monogamy is not one of those things. Men were never punished by any church for being promiscuous-women were. If anything the church promoted infidelity by placing all these other rules on society.

[Wakeup]

Something of interest to the topic at hand:

http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=new-sexual-revolution-polyamory

I'll also point out that so called monogamous animals have been proven to not be so monogamous. DNA studies have shown that animals that pair bond for life ocassionally slip out of the nest or den and copulate with other females. Seems the males do the sneaking and the females do the 'welcome aboard sailoring'

[trevor]

i tink women shuld have 1 man whereas men should have 4 wives .this is very natural

1 to cook and clean, 1 to ****, 1 to **** and bear children, 1 to give me a massage lol