Seeking advice on sexting spouse

[lostxlovers]

I've been with my husband for 3 and a half years, married for 2. He has a fetish that I've tried my best to accommodate and be open about and for the most part, I felt like he was very understanding about it. He gets very embarrassed whenever I "catch" him indulging his fetish but I honestly don't have a problem with it! My biggest fear, however, is that he won't be able to stand it any longer and leave me for someone who shares his interests.

Saturday night, I was trying to be helpful by taking his phone upstairs and putting it on charge because he had been out drinking and I thought he'd forget. I don't know what came over me, because I've never done it before, but for some reason I just decided to snoop about what apps he had open and noticed Whatsapp up. I had no idea who he would need to talk to using that so I went in to look. I discovered two separate conversations with girls that looked like he was flirting and talking about his fetish with. I honestly can't remember what exactly what was exchanged because my mind was racing. One looked really short but the other looked like it had been going on a while. I went down and asked him to come up and he did instantly because he could tell something was wrong and he later said he knew he had been caught. He had been sexting her the last couple months but was mostly giving her advice because she was new to the whole fetish thing and needed guidance. Apparently, he has talked like this with a few people online during the time we've been together but only recently took them offline. He said he had one phone call via their fetish website with her that was strictly advice and they didn't go into anything sexual and that was as far as it had gone. It was a long night of crying and begging him to show me the entire conversation because I thought that it would give me peace of mind to know that was indeed all that was going on and that he was telling the truth. Because he was embarrassed about the nature of what was said, he didn't want to show me and later deleted the app. Somehow, I do believe him that he would never physically cheat on me, but he didn't want to believe at first that what he was doing was emotionally cheating. He vowed to delete all of his accounts and videos associated with that world after messaging that girl to tell her the truth. He kept reminding me how much he loved me and how he wants to build a life with me and that this was the worst thing that could have ever happened. I can tell he regrets his actions because he said if I left, his life would have no meaning and there would be no reason to live but he keeps saying that it was his fetish that compelled him to take that conversation off the web and onto his phone. But, he did said that he knew it was wrong even though he still did it and that if I never found him out he would have continued having these conversations with people.

I still love him and I want to work through this, but I don't know how I can trust him again or forgive him because he broke my heart and made my biggest fear a reality. I cry whenever I look at him when we're alone and think about what he's done. I don't know how to behave around him and I feel like our whole relationship dynamic has changed. He is treading lightly around me, doting on me, and trying to make it up to me. Most of the time these past couple days I've tried to keep my mind off it (or not think about anything, really) because it hurts too much to think about. I'm just at a loss for what to do and need advice desperately, but can't speak to any of my friends because of the whole fetish thing and fear of what they'll think of him for doing this to me.

[michelle23]

If I was in your shoes-the first thing I would do is go away on my own for two weeks. Get away from him, process all the information you know and whether you believe or not he is telling the 100% absolute truth. Act as if you are not coming back and leave him sweat for awhile. He deserved to suffer. In the meantime, its your turn to be selfish and to figure out whether you are staying with him or leaving and whether you believe him or not.

Right now you are too vulnerable, possibly in denial wanting to believe everything he says but you need to read in between the lines and get to the truth one way or another. There is nearly always more to these situations than the person in the wrong admits to. There are always lies and the truth is brushed over so it seems not as bad as it really is. Its far too easy for him to manipulate you because you are hurting and he is the first person you normally turn to for comfort. You cannot turn to him for comfort now-you need to be alone so you can come to terms with this and be thinking with a clear head before you confront him.

You will not get the full truth from him. It may be too late now as he will try to cover his tracks but hack into his emails, check the history, check phone calls, check text messages etc. Also think back. Has he been working late? Has his behavior changed at all? What spurred you on to check his phone coz you instincts were obviously telling you something.

The fact he deleted that app without letting you read it should send huge alarm bells ringing-what else is he hiding??

Id also recommend you see a counselor to help you decide what should happen next and if you really want to save your marriage-you will need marriage counselling. Trust is very fragile though. If it were me I would be leaving and not looking back but its your decision and your life.

Do not allow him to use his fetish as an excuse for this behavior. There is no excuse for lying, cheating, hiding things, sneaking around and betraying you-full stop. He needs to take full responsibility without making any excuses. He acted like a selfish cunt, he broke your heart-simple as and he went behind your back. That is unforgivable.

[Wakeup]

I still love him and I want to work through this, but I don't know how I can trust him again or forgive him because he broke my heart and made my biggest fear a reality.

If you're going to have any chance at all of getting over this to the point where you trust him and can be at ease once again with your relationship then I suggest you get couples councelling and he gets personal councelling.

If you just stay because you're afraid to be without him, then you will never be happy and angst free again. You will always have this hanging over your heads and if he has an addiction or a fetish that you can't satisfy, then he will indeed seek it out again. This is no different then a drug abuser saying "I'll not have another hit again" and we all know very well that he will indeed cave to it if he's not had the training he needs to rehab from his addiction of choice.

Sorry this has happened to you. I need to ask though, did you know about this fetish before you fell in love with him or did he hide it from you until after you were hooked on him?

[lostxlovers]

I need to ask though, did you know about this fetish before you fell in love with him or did he hide it from you until after you were hooked on him?

After we had been dating a few months and exchanged "I love you" he told me about it, but I was in too deep at that point. I never really thought about it from the drug-abuser perspective before, but you're absolutely right.

[michelle23]

Can I ask is this fetish an addiction? Is it the only way he can enjoy sex or does he enjoy other things too?

[lostxlovers]

Can I ask is this fetish an addiction? Is it the only way he can enjoy sex or does he enjoy other things too?

I never thought it was an addiction. He enjoys regular sex and sometimes prefers it, but he said lately he feels like he doesn't have control over it.

[rafterman]

What is the fetish. What's he into, can I ask ?

[lostxlovers]

I just found out if you reinstall the app your chats should still show up. Shoul I try to sneakily do that or ask him to do it?

[lostxlovers]

I'd rather not say. I think saying he has a fetish is enough.

[michelle23]

yes sneakily do it. i would do whatever it takes to find the truth.

if its a highly unusual fetishsomething really taboo such as dressing up as a baby or wanting to be humiliated or degraded (such as being forced to clean a toilet with his tongue) or being buried alive-then it prob goes back to some deep childhood trauma and therapy is the only option.

if its something more "normal" like wearing heels or something then im not sure how bad that can get.

but if its "getting out of control" then he needs sex therapy and counselling. i think hes using that as an excuse though playing the sympathy card. you need to hack into that account and find out how long he has been a member. it should say the date he joined. then you will know how long this has been going on for.

if its weeks-then ya he may be telling the truth. if its months or years-then he has been cheating on you for years.

[Wakeup]

After we had been dating a few months and exchanged "I love you" he told me about it, but I was in too deep at that point. I never really thought about it from the drug-abuser perspective before, but you're absolutely right.

Shame, shame and double shame on him for not disclosing any of this prior to you advancing your relationship. Water under the bridge now however that is yet another reason why marriage councelling for the two of you is a must if you're going to stay with him.. so that you can get over him not letting you choose to be with him with full knowledge of his proclivities. How can you ever trust him since he's so self-absorbed?

[Wakeup]

P.S. Don't effing "hack" into anything. Simply tell him that you want to see everything he's been into or you are leaving this minute and are calling your lawyer to find out what your rights are to communal property. No more behind the scenes shit for either of you, I say. Just get it all out on the table and then deal.

[michelle23]

he wont give her the full truth. shell never get to the extent of his betrayal by asking him to be honest. he got caught so he owned up to the least bad scenario. its obviously much worse than what hes telling her ckz he knows he could lose her over this. hes not being honest so y should she.

OP if you want to ask him to see that info then you gotta be manipulative about it. say "baby i love you more than a.nything, i dont wana lose you but please i need you to be honest with me. we can work through it, it will be okay but only if you stop lying to me. i need to know did you cheat on me?

wait for his answer. then were you planning to cheat? have you had cyber sex? how long has this been going on for? etc etc

preend you will forgive him no matterwhat. be really calm, talk in a loving caring supportive tone, look him in the eye. if he avoids contact, starts fidgeting, gets defensive etc he is lying

[michelle23]

i do agree with wakeip. if he refuses to let you see that info and look through everything then you walk out, tell him your marriage is over and start divorce proceedings tomorrow

[michelle23]

you are only together 3 years hun. your young you have your whole life ahead of you. i would be gone like a bullet and id never look back. count your lucky stars you dont have kids with him. it sounds like a lucky escape to me. imagine if he waited 20years to betray you. thats a long time to waste on the wrong person. this is a major red flag. i wouldnt even consider forgiving him.

jts your life-ou make your own decisions but just be smart about this. what have you got holding you back? theres billions of men in this world- a large % would never hurt you. dont waste your life on the wrong man

best of luck to you