Friends or Best of both worlds??

[brokensoul1]

Ok this may be a messy one.
Ok I have a child who is three with a girl from a one night stand, she looked me up bout two years ago.
We have been in great terms and get on great. Anyways I asked her out two times since last year and she said she preferred us to not get together. Anyways last month on er birthday she decided to take me home and we started seeing each other.
After few weeks she was having doubts and said she doesn't feel how I do, so we had a talk and said we would cool things down go slow and all that.
Then at the weekend she was asking why don't I tell her how I feel and am not very affectionate....
So I told her how I felt that I was in love with her, she said she still doesn't know how she feels.

Then two days later she said she doesn't feel the same and really cares for me as a friend, so had another talk where she made it clear she won't ever feel that way for me as she doesn't feel a spark. But she said she really likes hanging out with me and wants us to be friends and hang out from time to time.
No ill have to see her few times a week anyways. And I don't think my feelings will ever change for her.
If I'm friends with her and an up around her all the time is it a bad idea? Is she gettin best of both worlds, as in we would be like a family in terms of our child and then hanging out when the baby goes to sleep and there is no commitment or romantic feelings from her?
Should I just leave things and be friendly when I have to see her?

[michelle23]

I think you should set up a custody agreement where you can take the child away with you maybe 1-2 nights a week and spend time alone with your kid without her mother. You should obviously be civil, polite and friendly to her mother when you pick your child up and drop her back but the less contact you have with this woman the better.

Right now you are just holding yourself back from meeting and falling in love with someone else who wants you. The only way to get over your feelings for her is to avoid her as much as you can and accept it is not going to happen.

You do need to man up and tell her it is not good for you emotionally to be friends with her

[brokensoul1]

Thanks for your reply.
Yea I am abit to emotional about the whole thing I am like a woman.
Like after our chat about how she feels and won't change her mind ever we sat down and watched tv.
It just feels weird that she wants to hang around.

I maybe do want her as a friend but as you say I've to get rid of my emotions First of all.
Does being friends ever work?
Also as to taking my child one-two nights a week it's hard I'll still have to see her and can't really
Get anyone else to drop her up as everyone does be busy.

Also we are going to a show together on Saturday night. Maybe I'll tell her then that I can't be friends at least or now.

[michelle23]

I honestly dont think being close friends can ever work. She is the mother of your child, it is only natural to have a strong attachment to her and to care for her and I think you should be proud of yourself that you really stepped up to the plate here and have made a big effort to be there for her and the child. Many weaker men would run a mile so kudos to you.

There is nothing worse than seeing two parents tear strips off each other and some poor innocent baby in the middle of such a mess suffering. You have both been very mature and responsible.

You do need to stay in contact of course for your childs sake but some distance is important. Just tell her that you dont think being close friends and handing out one on one is a good idea as you both want different things. Tell her you would love nothing more than to be a proper family but you understand she does not want that and the only way you can heal and move on with your life is if you two have much less contact. You can still be an amazing dad and I have no doubt that you will be

[brokensoul1]

What your saying I agree with but I'm finding it hard to accept that I can't be friends with her.
She has always been a great friend and she was always there for me, and I actually don't have a lot of close friends
And I classed her as one of mine so it's like ill be breaking up a friendship.
I don't really know how to tell her this though. After I told her how much I wanted to be good friends.

Should I just tell her tomorrow or after the show on Saturday?

[michelle23]

It is up to you when you tell her. It is not gonna be easy but you need to make it clear it is not about her-it is about you. You are holding yourself back by hoping one day she may change her mind.

Have you dated anyone in the past 3 years? If no maybe that is the problem. Maybe you are too available.

Stop being there for her all the time and show her you have a life and your casually dating a few different people-getting to know them. If she sees you are confident and assertive and really a great catch to other women-it may be the kick in the teeth she needs to realize you are not just some emotional tampon for her to leech off.

It may be worth a try if you really want this woman to show her what you are made of. I am not saying go out and have sex with ten different women or anything like that. I am just saying a few casual dates to show her you are moving on and leaving her behind may be the key for her to realize if she doesnt grab you now someone else will

Try it for a few months after you tell her that you cant be friends and drop a subtle hint when you pick the child up that you have a date this week. If you get no reaction then you really do need to accept its not going to happen

[brokensoul1]

I have dated and had one brief relationship but that ended when I realised how I felt about her.
Then after abit I started asking her out. She kept saying no and I kept taking the wrong hints I should ask her out.
I did date briefly this year but I was taking time out from dating when she started things up with me.not sure if she knew but I'm sure she did.
She also asked me why was I with her ad was asking incase it was for the wrong reasons.as in just for the sake of it or or our child's sake.

I still want to take time out from dating all the same, she was the reason I wanted to have a break cause of how I felt towards her. So I'm not sure doing that will help me as I'll just be wasting others time.

Maybe I'll tell her I can't be friends for now then see how I feel in a few months. She is starting college in September so ill be around her a lot too more than likely.

[michelle23]

Okay I think the best thing to do is distance and try to accept its not going to happen. Be on your own for awhile until you are sure you are over her and then you can start to move on

[brokensoul1]

Thank you so much for all of your replies.
I will post updates or what ever. Thanks :-)

[stilldoubting]

I agree with Michelle23. I do think distance is key. You do need to try to get over her so you can move on and meet someone who wants you. You cannot give another woman 100% if you are still pining for her and will never be happy that way.

[brokensoul1]

Ok haven't said anything to her yet, didn't contact her today but she text me asking do I wanna go cinema with her and the kid.
Not sure how to respond. She said its ok if I don't wanna go with her.

[stilldoubting]

tell her you cant you have plans but you would love to take your child out to the park tomorrow evening. say it will give her a break and she can have a few hours off and make plans with her friends.

[brokensoul1]

She asked to go tommorrow when I finish work. Which is when I take the baby to my place. It's also her first time for cinema.
Is she trying to be nice or just testing me?
I kno it's a bad idea to go but part of me wants to say ill go.

[michelle23]

you could use that as an opportunity to tell her you cant be friends anymore and you cant hang out with her anymore or act like a proper family.

ask her can the two of you talk alone after the cinema? maybe bring the child somewhere that she can play in another room so you can talk.

or else just say can you come over tonight and talk when the kid is in bed.

you need to learn to do things separately as parents. especially now while the child is young. otherwise it would be so confusing when she has step parents and step siblings and all of a sudden mummy and daddy wont bring her to the cinema just the 3 of you anymore..

[brokensoul1]

So i agreed to go to the cinema after work. I couldn't say no, I forgot I promised her I wouldn't change how things were if things didn't work out and can't go back on it.
I'll have to just get a lot busier when she wants to do things.
:-(