Getting mixed signals from a girl I have been hooking up with, not sure where I stand

[wilfredketchum]

Hi everyone,

I am a 26 year old male and have been hooking up with the same girl off and on for 2 or 3 years now. I am constantly in and out of the country for months at a time so I am unable to take on a serious relationship at the moment. She knows that and has expressed before that she also is not interested in a relationship. We haven't stated clearly to each other that we are just going to be hook up buddies but it was my understanding that it was inferred. Every time we have gone out with each other it has lead to us hooking up. Until recently...

About 4 months ago, I was back in town for a couple weeks and hit her up to meet up for drinks. She agrees- we meet up and eventually I ask her back to my place. She was reluctant because she had to meet up with some friends but eventually agreed, not before exclaiming that "we cant have sex" though. I thought it was a little odd that she would say that out of the blue, but she came over nonetheless and one thing lead to another. Next thing I know were both naked after a round of strip pool. Now I am thinking we are definitely about to have sex, but she was standoffish every time I approached her. I didn't want to be pushy so I decided that if she wanted to make the move she would, but ultimately nothing happened. She explained to me that she had just gotten out of an off and on 10 year relationship that I actually had no idea was going on. She felt like the guy was just using her for sex and after talking to another one of her guy friends about the problem, she started to think that no guys were actually her friend but only wanted to have sex with her. It put me in an awkward spot because well, it looked exactly like I was doing. Although I do have feelings for this girl, she knows that a relationship wouldn't work out with us at the moment. At the same time however we are more than just friends. It seemed to me like she knew that and actually wanted to hook up, but didn't out of the principle of the whole thing. After she left, I just kinda sat there wondering what just happened. Oh well, I had to leave the country the next day so I never really got to talk to her about it.

I arrived back in town just a few nights ago and called her to hang out again. She was excited to hang out and we ended up meeting at a local club. We were getting drinks together, flirting with a lot of touching, and dancing provocatively with each other. Again, I thought for sure we are going to have sex tonight. I ask her if she wants a ride back but she said she was going to ride home with her brother who was also there. I try convincing her to come with me, but she is still reluctant and I end up going home by my lonesome. I get a text from her on the ride back however saying that "its not that I didn't want you to drive me home" and that it was out of respect for her parents not to have people over after a certain time (she still lives with her parents). I thought it was odd because she has had me over on a few occasions late at night with her parents home. Apparently her brother and his girlfriend have been having issues with her parents and I dont know the details but she said that was the reason why. So here I am again, sitting here wondering what just happened...

I wanted to ask your advice on the situation because I am really having trouble figuring out whats going on. Of course I still want to see her, but at the same time I don't want it to be strictly on a friendship level. I have been thinking about talking to her tomorrow and just asking straight up whats going on between us and what she wants to happen between us. I have never had much success being completely open with women so I am a little hesitant to do so, but I feel like clearing the air here is the best option. Should I try to go about it any other way?

[haxan]

I wouldn't waste that kind of time on someone indifferent. Find someone who is more into you, she needs to deal with her own insecurities about getting out of a 10 yr life wasting LTR.

[smackie9]

I feel she has gotten to a point in her life that she needs to find a more solid, stable relationship so she is starting to clear the board to make changes. I'm sure her parents are questioning her about when she is going to find a husband.

You can't give her something more solid so she is going to be moving on from you as well, hence the reason there will be no more sex....this just has to stop. Even if you can provide an emotional connection with her, that doesn't make for a committed relationship......you can't be there for her, and you can't expect her to wait for your work arrangements to change.

Sure clear the air if you will, but it's going to turn into more of a goodbye. This might be something you both will need.....closure.

[VerticalMoon]

I think you guys should talk about everything to clear up the air. I do also think you probably won't like what you hear. I agree with Smackie that she's looking for something more solid. At the very least, she wants to know you like her enough that you'd still be her friend without the sex. When you talk about wanting sex, it makes it seem as though you are keeping her around just for that. You can argue that you have some actual feelings involved, but if you can't back it up with action, it's not likely to be enough. I wouldn't be surprised if it comes down to you having to choose if you prefer a sexless friendship or not having her in your life at all.

[namemyname]

She's tired of being your booty call, and is hoping you'll step up to date her.

You should stop calling her entirely.

[Wakeup]

She's tired of always being in the benefits portion of a casual relationship and getting short changed in the "friend" part of her FWB relationship(s) She told you that outright.

she started to think that no guys were actually her friend but only wanted to have sex with her.

Do something with her and don't ask for sex, don't hint at sex, turn her down if she asks you for sex and just be her friend. You can't be in a relationship with her so give her the "F" part of that "FWB"

[Starnique]

She's tired of being your booty call, and is hoping you'll step up to date her.

You should stop calling her entirely.

That's it.

She just don't feel like wasting any more time in something that's not even a relationship. You can say you like her and care but saying and doing is two diff things. I have been there. It's fun having a guy come in from out of town and you all get together. I used to get lingerie and have fun planning our time together but afterwhile it gets played out. Either she's heading towards a relationship or in the midst of one, or just don't got time to be your in town booty call, so good for her. Lets be real here, you didnt think this was going to go on forever did ya?

[michelle23]

You need to leave her alone. I think the penny just dropped-she realized she has wasted ten years on the wrong men allowing them to f**k and leave her as and when it suits them. You are using this girl-no matter how you try to dress it up. If you wanted a real relationship-you could have one but you use your work as an excuse not to commit. Many men travel on business and have a wife who travels with him until the kids are born..

I think you just like having your cake and eating it. Are you f**king other women too when your away? If yes, then its not that you cant commit, its just that you wont.

This girl deserves a man who can give her 100% especially if she has wasted ten years of her life on the wrong person. She wants her happy ever after. Most women want more than just sex. What is the point in getting just sex from you, when she can get that from someone else as well as everything else she craves?

Maybe its time for both of you to make some changes to your separate lives. Let her go, dont contact her again-not unless you want a real relationship with her and are willing to treat her as something more than just a toy