Getting used to a normal relationship, opinions and need to vent!

[JadenMia]

After being with an abusive man for so long, i finally got the help i needed and left. I havnt been depressed or ridden with anxiety ever since, i did lots of soul searching and felt like i had made a REAL change in my life. I feel like almost a brand new person and i am absolutely loving life for the first time in 5 years or so.

6 months ago i started dating a friend of mine, he asked me out on a date and we have spent every day together since and we fell into place SO very easily. At first i was scared and felt it was too good to be true, then we moved in together after around 4 months of dating. It was very soon, but we spent every night together and it made sense for us since he lived in a different town.
Things became even better since we lived together, we don't argue, he never raises his voice to me or swears, if we have a disagreement we just talk it out together and i know he would never hurt me the way my ex ever did.

Is it strange we dont argue at all? Should there be some balance? I am so used to fighting every sentence that this seems almost unreal..
I am in love with this man and feel so appreciative for everything he does for me i just dont feel the need to ever complain or get on his back about anything, yet when i sometimes talk to my friends and il mention he went out, or is with the guys, they make comments about the fact i let him get away with too much and that he is walking all over me. Yet im kinda happy when he does other stuff, i like my alone time too.

It just got me wondering, sometimes i get scared that iv lost my passion for relationships since my ex, or maybe that i am too much of a pushover. Im not sure. lol

[Cerby]

Everything is great, why question it? If you feel you don't fight enough in this one, then perhaps that is why you stayed in your dysfunctional relationship for so long prior to finding someone who is actually good for you.

You're analysing what is wrong with the good things, and that is a recipe for disaster.

[basilandthyme]

Jaden, it's OK to not fight. The way I see it, a fight is the result of a disagreement which is handled badly. So, if you can disagree and sort it out civilly and respectfully, then you've got a great relationship on your hands.

[JadenMia]

Thanks for the replies, I didn't think we needed to fight and really glad we don't! It's just listening to other friends and wondering if I should be okay with the things he does, like going out drinking with friends, going out fishing etc.. I think that kind of stuff is important so that he appreciates his time with me more than he would if we were together constantly.
He is good to me and I feel he has taught me so much about being with somebody.. So maybe I should stop over thinking things

[kimhotcake]

Ya, and please tell your friends to butt out! It's your relationship and your life!

[Ann S]

First of all, congratulations for getting out of an abusive relationship. Next!!! Treasure this one! Fighting is a waste of time. There are no winners, only losers. Good for you! And don't involve your pals in your relationship. What do they know? Ann

[asdfg789]

@J&M. Congrats ! Happy for u !

As long as you are happy with each other, please ignore your nosey friends.

[TablesandChairs]

Your friends might be jealous? I can't explain it in any other way; it's great you let him do stuff with his mates; he's a grown man, why would he need to be hesitant or ask for permission? A secure, healthy relationship doesn't involve putting each other in cages so you're on the right track. Besides, if you're anything like me, you won't want to spend every waking minute together. Your friends are giving you their perspectives and their perspectives might come from an insecure, needy place. Perhaps, if you look at their relationship history, it might not be so great.

As for not arguing; congratulations. Argumentative couples tend to have an expiry date because there's only so much of that you can take. Even when arguments are 'healthy' (as in, not abusive), if they happen too often, things can get strained. Just enjoy what you have.

[michelle23]

It sounds like a good relationship to me. It is good that you don't fight. There is no need for fighting or big arguments in any relationship. Calm, honest communication and discussions are the key to resolving conflict.

I will just say though make sure you do not allow this man to treat you badly in other ways. You think the sun shines out of his ass because he is not abusive towards you and because you are not afraid of him. However that doesn't mean he should get away with all sorts of other things. That is the problem with women who come from abusive backgrounds. Example if he cheats on you, you may make excuses and say "well at least he doesn't beat me so ill forgive him". If hes lazy and doesn't work, sits around playing video games all day smoking weed and expects you to cook, clean, pay for everything, do laundry etc - "well at least he doesn't beat me so ill let it go". Is a bad father who never spends any time with the kids- "well at least he doesn't beat me-he could be a lot worse".

Do you see where I am going with this? Be sure you do not make any excuses for any bad behavior just because he isn't abusive towards you. This man should make you happy everyday with the occasional minor disagreement or random argument. If he makes you miserable-you leave and don't compare him to your ex. They are in two very different leagues. Don't compare any man to your abusive ex

Your friends know what you have been through. They love you and want you to be happy. They are just looking out for you. Is there any truth in what they are saying? Does he spend a lot of time out drinking with friends? There is nothing wrong with spending time apart and spending time with friends. However, you should come first.

Good luck

[JadenMia]

Thank you everyone for your replies and sorry mine took so long
I am so glad we don't argue, to this day we have never shouted at each other once and always peacefully end a disagreement.
I think maybe my friends are a little jealous, their relationships at this time aren't going so well, she has been with her boyfriend for 4 years and he refuses to move in with her, when I told her we were talking about moving in she said I was insane and moving way too fast, I think we did move fast but as I said it really didn't make sense for us to be paying 2 monthly rents and he was staying at my house every single night and that's how we like it..
My best friend is the one who usually has things to say about him going out. But she is in a bad relationship too.. Her husband constantly lies to her and puts her down. We used to lean on each other as we were both in very bad relationships before and I think maybe she misses that. I still try to be there for her all the time though.
I personally don't think he goes out too much. He is pretty homely like myself so if he does go out with his friends I'm happy he's having fun he also always calls or texts when he goes out to check we are okay and to let me know what he's doing so I really appreciate it and just have no reason to worry, I'm so very happy with everything right now !!

I never thought I'd be able to trust another man since my ex. Now I'm out of it I didn't really realize how bad it was.. And now I am with someone who treats me like a human being I am amazed I even stayed for so long.

One thing that is sometimes on my mind. Is we don't have sex very much. We did in the beginning but now we live together it has slowed down to a couple times a week. Is this normal for a couple?
I had to go to counselling after my last relationship and I discovered I had very self destructive sexual behaviour. My ex partner wanted to have sex every day a couple of times. Anal, blow jobs.. I did it for him at first reluctantly but then it became sort of routine and I was used to a very intense sex life. I used to wake up to him doing things to me or other times he would wake me up and start having sex..
My now partner isn't like that. We will have sex and I love it, it's just not as intense for me.. And he won't pester me for it but sometimes it makes me feel like he's not sexually attracted to me.
I know that before it wasn't normal, but from such an intense sex life to a couple times a week making love it is quite the transition.
I asked my partner about it, and he said he's just not as crazy about sex as I am and he is happy just being with me and cuddling. Lol it's just that I feel like I want it from him lots and he doesn't make the move..
It's not a huge problem, just sometimes on my mind and I worry lots. Lol
3 times a week normal for a couple living together?
Thank you!!

[michelle23]

Ask him ideally how often would he like to have sex and would he like you to initiate it more? There is no "normal" amount for couples to have sex. Each couple is different. It depends on what you are happy with. If you want it 5 times a week and he only wants it 2 times, then that really means you are not compatible sexually.

They say the more sex you have, the more you want it. Maybe ask him to try the kama sutra lol. 100 positions in 100 days and see how you get on

[lalalita]

You remind me a lot of myself. A lot of the things you're writing about, I've been experiencing. I, too, have come from abusive relationships and you're absolutely right that it feels "unreal" being with someone new who treats you the way you should be treated. My ability to trust was destroyed in the past, and I carry around a lot of baggage from it. Being able to slowly gain REAL trust in someone is amazing. Sometimes I sit and reflect that if my ex were to go out for a few hours without contact, I would become distraught and just *know* he was up to no good. My current man could do the same, and I feel at such peace. It's like night and day.

Everyone's sexual appetite varies. Things tend to slow down naturally in relationships.