Fear of leaving a bad relationship- promises!

[creak1]

I'm having some difficulty making an important decision in my life and could really use some guidance.

I've been with my partner two years now, the first of which was good. But the one just past has been awful. I was living with him and his friends (i had to move from my place for technical reasons and had to live with him for a few months) in our third year at university. During which he turned into some i didn't recognise, he really started to be verbally abusive towards me, putting me down. I knew he didn't want me to live there, but i tried my best to make the situation easier by making myself scarce as much as possible. But he was just horrible, I could never win whatever i did, he constantly put me down about myself, and on occasions was violent towards me (aggressively pushing and shoving). He made me feel so anxious and nervous about everything, like I was constantly walking on eggshell. I felt constantly put down with things and like I always had to impress him but he's was never pleased by anything.

I had to move out and into my own place after a particularly nasty row, but things have still not been great, we still have aggressive fights and the thing is… i've never been this way with anyone - I was with my ex partner for a very long time and we never argued once, not even when we split - but he is starting to make me hysterical… it's starting to rub off on me and I don't like it! The last time I saw him we had a few fights, but one day we were having an absolutely lovely time watching Wimbeldon on the Live screen in the city, then we went to the cinema… we'd both had a bit to drink… but on the way out of the movie, out of no where he said to me 'you're just a silly slut' I couldn't believe it, so I walked out calmly just not talking to him then when he noticed he said ' I know why your mad, its' because of what i just said… but you are! and carried on saying horrible nasty things to me and I just couldn't take it, I told him to stay in a Hotel, and get his things in the morning (He was staying with me) but he came round and rang and rang the door bell, and then broke into my flat through the window for his things! I was absolutely hysterical… but his behaviour is rubbing off on me. I know I'm not perfect, but I feel like anything I've done is because I've been pushed to my absolute limits.

He's now moved to Brighton, and he wants me to move with him away from my friends and family - he says things will be different now he is in a city he loves with a job he loves… but I just can't do it! I love my friends and they absolutely hate him, he never made any effort with them or any aspect of my life - i feel like I'm not even a part of this. Even if things were different, part of my feels so anxious about myself, that I just need time out - I have so many ambitions and I just haven't got the trust in him anymore to give it up for him. I feel really let down by him from the past year, I don't know why he made things so horrible, he has realised that but he still continues to say hurtful things such as … ' if you don't move down here I'll just get a new girlfriend because I want to settle down'. Thing is if I live with him down there, I feel like I would be giving up so much, because my friends and family aren't fond of him and he doesn't make any effort… I have no ties there whereas he has family, friends and a job! I know I can't go - and I know he's not considering my feelings in this at all… but I have such a fear of leaving him. I've noticed some narcissistic characteristics in him, and I just fear if I end it… how will he make me feel? I think he will get a new girlfriend and be really successful and it just scares me to death. I do love him, when he's nice he is great, but I just feel so let down.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking I just need some advice please!

[IslandScorp]

Do NOT move to Brighton and in with him and do NOT give up your life and your friends who care about you for this person who obviously has no respect or real love for you. If you do, you'll find that he hasn't changed. In fact, I'm almost certain that things will get worse because then he'll know that he has complete control over you . You won't be able to turn to friends for support or walk out. And his verbal abuse can very likely lead to physical abuse. What is it that you find at all attractive about this person. Him being nice and respectful of you only when he feels like it or wants something from you are not reasons for you to care about him. The fear you have of losing him is not about him - it's about your own insecurities and lack of self-respect which he has contributed to. Get away from him and you'll find yourself growing stronger, liking yourself more. Let him get another girlfriend. He'd be doing you a favor and she has my sympathies.

[creak1]

I know you are right. I feel out of control, I feel possessed almost. Like I'm not in control of my own life. I'm just in such fear of actually leaving him, and how I will feel. I'm also scared of his reaction to this - I don't want him to hurt my self esteem any further...

[michelle23]

Babe you need help and support now. Gather the troops. Tell your family about what hes like-verbally, physically and emotionally abusive. Ask them for help. He is a bully, controlling and dangerous. If you move eith him-it will get 10x worse. He wants you isolated and alone, vulnerable. He will keep putting you down until you start to believe it-until you think you cant do better and are brainwashed into believing this is love.

You need help to get him out of your life. You have to be strong now. Move out of your place when hes not there, move all your stuff. Ask your parents to help you or friends and get out. Just leave him a note saying its over. Move to a new place, block him from your phone, email, FB etc..

Dont answer private numbers or numbers that you dont know

go to the police and tell them you are scared this guy will hurt you if he finds you. Ask them can you get a restraining order against him.

Once its all over-get counselling and focus on healing

[AbigailR]

Agree 100% with michelle. I know it may sound a bit extreme to you right now, but that's exactly what you need to do. Don't break it off in person, especially if you two are alone, and have absolutely no contact with him after that. No matter what he says or does you have to avoid him. I went through this with my ex and made the stupid mistake of letting him come over to get his stuff when I was home. Very important: do not be alone together.

[4 ratties]

Find the strength to move on and find someone that respects you

[Nightshade]

Tell him you'll move out there in a few months....then let him move on. It sounds like he doesn't care about you at all, not even as a possession. I imagine he'll hook some other poor girl faster then you can mail his junk out to him....

Then wash your hands and say good riddance. You'll find someone better in time.

[michelle23]

Nightshade I wish you would take your own advice. Your situation sounds scarily similar

[TablesandChairs]

Firstly, do you want to leave or do you want to continue this abusive, tumultuous relationship, having your self worth eroded more and more? You need to make a decision before anything else.

You cannot take what he says to heart; he's deliberately trying to make you feel like dirt; a lot of abusive types use this tactic and it works - you start believing you're nothing and eventually your head will be so messed up that you won't leave no matter how bad things get.

You're scared he'll be successful? So what! Money and success aren't worth what he's dishing out - as for him getting another girlfriend...feel sorry for her, not envious. She will end up where you are now because these people don't change; it's not you, it's him and your only fault here is staying for as long as you have - he showed you his true colors and you ignored it.

Is this the relationship you dreamed of? Walking on eggshells, being abused, called names, shoved, made to feel scared? This is what you'll be getting; it's a fallacy to believe him when he says 'things will be better because I have a job I like now'. There will ALWAYS be something to set him off.

Don't break it off in person if that's what you choose to do and try to have friends/family stay with you for a while. If that's not possible, call the police if he shows up. I the meantime, lock your windows (or have them secured) and change your locks if he has a key.

Once it's over, rebuild yourself emotionally, discard every name and put-down he's flung your way, meet new people and don't give a rats about whether or not he's got a new girlfriend or not - she will leave too if she's not dumb.