depressive lover mixed signals please help!

[ditzypenguine]

Hi everyone.

Please bear with me for a bit. I know it is long. It is my first post and I don't know where to turn

The situation is very strange. The man in question is a friend of a friend. We met in March and he was not supposed to be anything but a fling, an one night stand even. I was fine with this. The sex was mindblowing. In fact we spent the next two days in bed speaking and, well other things too. We really connected. He asked for my number and told me his life is complicated and he needs a few weeks time but he definitely wanted to see me again. I told him it would be awesome but only if he wanted to (I heard the its complicated story before) He didn't call.

I ran into him at an exhibition almost 3 months ago. I thought it was accidental. Soon afterward he confessed he had engineered the whole thing making sure our common friend brought me there. He tried to call me it seems but he had written the number wrong.

So, ever since we have been joined to the hip. He said we should take it easy physically in order to really get to know each other and I agreed. I never initiated anything at all. All effort comes from him. We reached a point when he called me constantly, obsessively even. We got really close. He was not lying about his life being complicated (looooong story). As a result he is suffering from severe depression. That did not stop him from being romantic as hell, cooking candlelit dinners and playing romantic music, he met all my friends and gazes into my eyes non stop. Things progressed and we had sex again about a month ago. Only he seemed very disturbed afterward believing he wasn't good enough (to be fair it was not spectacular like before but of course I never hinted that he was anything but wonderful). He even said he hated himself for dissapointing me in the sack (completely in his head, I was happy)

Since then he has been Jekyll and Hyde with me. Sometimes he shuts everyone out including his own mother and I am the only one he allows near. Sometimes he takes me on spontaneous road trips and I believe the world is upright again. Last week it got creepy. While we were sleeping together (no sex involved, he hasn't touched me sexually since the last time) he was holding on to me so tight I could hardly breathe. At some point he woke me up in the middle of the night shaking me and frightening me. He said "I love you so much I don't know what I will do if you ever leave me". He gave me a bruise (he was not violent)I believe he has no recollection of the incident as I tried to bring it up and he said he is sleepwalking and talking in his sleep. I haven't told himabout it.

The very next day he came over to mine and at the end of the night he said he was going home. He dropped the bombcell that he isn't falling for me and it bothers him because he thought he would by now. He thinks sex will hurt me and said since I am close to him he is masturbating several times a day to ease the tension. BUT his clingy behavior only got worse. By now his mom is imploring me not to abandon her son. Things came to a nasty climax on Saturday. He actually came to find me at a private party he was not invited to. He kept texting and calling throughout the day. We left together and went dancing. We danced and kissed (everything initiated by him). Then I went to the toilet and in the mean time he sent me a text saying "We will not become a couple but you mean so much to me. I don't want to lose you."

Of course a very unpleasant conversation ensued ending up with me in tears, him kissing me again and me running away. He called the moment I reached home, at 6 in the morning and once again admitted that what we are having is not a friendship and that he has feelings for me (on his own accord I mainly listened - maybe I shouldn't have picked up). My constant position is that if he wants out the door is open any time. I am not holding him against his will. I also said I am not interested in forcing him to love me but I am not getting what I want (mainly peace of mind, affection, security. I get A LOT of attention but none of the good things a girlfriend should enjoy. He is basically sharing his entire life with me at this point and what do I get?).

Now he is being weird again. The next day he called me a total of 11 times and spent more than 2 hours on the phone with me when I eventually picked up. Then nothing for a day, then 5 calls yesterday and today nothing again (and I do not feel secure enough to call him myself or initiate anything at all).

He wants to meet and talk it over.

The problem is, I am in love with him. And I believe that he is worth it (I know I mention only the wacky stuff now but the guy is a gem whose illness is taking its toll). I also believe he has some serious feelings for me but maybe I am wrong. All I know is that even if it hurts I will not settle for a therapist/best buddy or something like that and watch him walk into the sunset with the next girl that abuses him. It is not enough. I just hate ultimatums (love me or I am out) so I can't force his hand. I just booked a holiday and was thinking to suggest we don't speak in the mean time so that each of us can think things through. Is this wrong? Have I already lost him?

I would really really appreciate input. I am holding strong but (laugh if you may) I was really convinced he was the one. And that never happened to me before. So if there is anything I can do to salvage things without either of us getting hurt I would do it in a heartbeat.

Sorry for the long post

[michelle23]

His illness right now is too complicated. You may think he is worth it minus all the issues BUT you cannot ignore those red flags. He obviously needs therapy-possibly medication and I feel it would be a danger to your emotional and mental health to stay with this man.

You should tell him to go and get his life sorted out, to figure out what he wants as you want all or nothing and you will not settle for anything in between. It sounds like this could turn nasty really fast. If at some point in the future you cannot handle him anymore and decide to leave-he could very easily threaten to hurt himself or suicidde. Its not a good idea to be with someone who is this unstable so get out now before he gets too attached and you become his career.

Until he gets the help, he desperately needs, he will not be good bf material for anyone

[billyking]

You need to be aware that a) he needs help (which is not always easy to find) and b) once he gets better he is unlikely to be the same person and show the same traits that you like.

The sex was mindblowing but he may be different when better. For example when I was an alcoholic and depressed I could be very wild sexually but it was unsustainable and my moods changed. So now I am more reserved in life. Often when one is sick they are more extreme which polarizes partners and friends as some parts of the persons extreme you like and others you cannot live with or be around.

This is not your fight. Leave him alone and perhaps he will get better in time.

[ditzypenguine]

Thanks to both of you for your useful responses. I know it is not my battle. I also know that he needs help. We discussed it before, when he confessed to me he is severely depressed. I think I can use the time in my holiday to think about the future. I see the red flags very clearly. I just don't feel ready to write him off just yet. I was thinking to use the holiday in order to really really think about things and in any case to suggest he gets some therapy before anything else is considered. It is a terrible situation :-(

[michelle23]

look up white knight syndrome. You cant fix him. There is nothing you can do. If you enable his behavior and stick around even though you are not getting what you want or need from him-he will not get better. He will get worse. As long as you are there feeling sorry for him, he wont do anything to get better. He will think it is okay for him to stay in this horrible pit of despair and drag you down with him.

[billyking]

If you enable him you won't be thanked for it. If you abandon him then you might have a chance in the distant future to be together if he doesn't generate toward much negative feelings within you now.

It would be different if you had been together then this episode of depression happened.

You really don't need this stress and you can't "save him". You can either leave him be or stay with him and both of you will become depressed and dysfunctional.

[Wakeup]

I see the red flags very clearly. I just don't feel ready to write him off just yet.

This is YOUR problem. He's who he's always been but your problem is worse because he will take you down quicker then you'll ever bring him up. You cannot fix him and to even consider staying with him without him having extensive personal therapy and being on the proper meds he needs to be on is codependent thinking at its finest. Google Florence Nightingale Syndrome and read about what ails you. A person who has a good, healthy sense of worth would have left this man the minute is "ism" started to reveal itself.

Love is not enough to make you happy. Four months you've known him and it's been "messy" from screw No.1. Come, on. Really? You don't feel ready to write him off just yet?

[Wakeup]

I'll add that you're basing your infatuation of him on your sexual contact and not much else. You might want to google Hyper-Sexuality as well and see if he's in that manic state.

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

There are many men out there that are healthy and won't drag you down with them like this man is going to, without a doubt, do if you stay with him. Check yourself for whats missing in you that you'd want to "not give up on him yet" when it's only been 4 months (or less) and you can easily disingage at this point and go through a bit of sexual contact withdrawl and be over him.

[michelle23]

http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/522/opening-the-door-on-hypersexuality

Very informative WU

[Woods]

Are you mad!? This bloke is going to end up completely dependent on you, in the creepiest, scariest way. You will end up feeling responsible for his emotional well being. His mum has spotted it already, imploring with you not to 'abandon' him. Not fun. What is there to love about this man, he is giving you nothing and you're too scared to initiate anything in case he freaks. Get out whilst you can.

[ditzypenguine]

I just broke it off with him for all of the above reasons. It was the hardest break up of my life (and the lengthiest a total of 12 hours) because it was not done in anger. Tears were involved, persuation was tried for hours but I made it. I walked away from him and I didn't cry. I am exhausted. It may sound from the post that he was awful but aside from the issues that could no longer be ignored obviously he really is the sweetest, gentlest, warm hearted man. I don't think I misplaced my love and I can't bring myself to regret feeling this strongly. I really hope he gets help soon. I still love him but I guess I love me more. I am sincerely heartbroken :-(

[ditzypenguine]

And thank you all for your answers. I think I needed to hear that.

[michelle23]

We don't think he is "awful" at all but he is ill and he does need help. Living with someone with this type of illness is not easy hun. Probably the hardest thing for anyone to deal with as a spouse. My cousins husband has BP and now she has moderate depression too from years of being his carer. Its tough. My Grandfather couldn't cope with my Grandmothers illness and he left her for someone else (he was the one who made her so ill in the first place though prick). A friend of mine has seasonable depression and she aint easy to be around sometimes.

Some people can learn to control the illness and live a fairly typical and happy life. Some cant.

[ditzypenguine]

Thanks Michelle (and others) for being there. I couldn't talk about such private issues with our friends. I know I did the right thing and I know everything that you guys told me is true. I am just exhausted, like physically and mentally drained.

[UnderTheMoon]

Thanks Michelle (and others) for being there. I couldn't talk about such private issues with our friends. I know I did the right thing and I know everything that you guys told me is true. I am just exhausted, like physically and mentally drained.

I've been there and what you did is the right thing to do. Never doubt it just because you came here to get the advice, you could have turned it down but, you didn't. You may hurt now but eventually you will find someone just as amazing AND as a bonus, mentally and emotionally healthy and stable. Just be glad you got out when you did and make sure you keep him cut off. People like this no matter what, will try to find ways back in and you need to keep that door bolted shut. Just rest now, give yourself time to recover before you get out there and mingle again. Time heals all wounds, and we learn the lessons needed from the toughest of them.