His friends/colleagues leering at me

[Amy123]

A guy chasing me around like mad, who I subtly responded to showing a bit interest. My response was just smiling and being very polite, saying hello which I said before.


I still say hello to him after ignoring him a few times because I was annoyed by finding out his a player.
I pulled away immediately. As I am a respectable women and decent.
He did try and chat to me in front of my whole department and I blanked him out. I looked around and all the men in the department where looking, it felt like it was some kind of bet.

He does not chase me anymore since then.

His friend and colleagues that hang with him started to try their luck and are leering at me. Some other staff don't even say hello anymore and some grin or smirk.

What does this mean, it feels disrespectful where all these men are trying, what such thing could this guy have said?

I am very attractive and a lot younger than these men, some are old enough to be my dad.

I have not done anything indecent and am very upset as to why the guy would say something bad? I feel it is impacting me the way I am professionally viewed at work.

I feel he may be bragging and exaggerating things.

I feel like telling the guy to FF when he says hi next time, should I continue to say hello or just ignore him. What would he think if I gave him a dirty look.

I had 2 men whistling the other day, I know it was towards me because they were leering but he done it in a tune as I walked passed.

Please don't tell me I am making assumptions, I know my surroundings and am analytical when I see odd behavior. These men never leered at me before ever and people where more respectful.

Do you think if I just ignore these men they will stop?

I really am considering leaving this work place soon and getting a job else where as I really did not want this for myself.

Please advise how I should handle this?

[Starnique]

He probably spreaded some nasty lies around about you. Yes, you can find another job but thats not fair to you and you shouldn't have to do that. Too bad you can't call him out on his shit in front of everybody to expose his lying self but that can risk your position. I'd say go report it to your HR dept. It's not cool that he trying to ruin your rep so report him.

[Amy123]

yes I would love to report him, but I have no proof? there all going to think I am pathetic. HR will tell me how do you know he said something and then I cannot tell HR I showed a bit of interest (even though I was very subtle and ignored him a lot of the times and no one really witnessed anything).

If I ask my colleagues they may tell others and that then look worse on me, as if I am bothered about it which I do not want them thinking.

[michelle23]

I agree. he prob told these guys you slept together. This is harassment and bullying. First you should confront him and ask him what has he said about you to make the men in the office treat you like a piece of meat? And if he denies it, tell him you are reporting it to HR coz you feel as though he is trying to ruin your workplace reputation and it is making you look unprofessional to your colleagues. Tell him unless he takes back what he has said and apologizes and makes the rest of the office apologize too then you will report him and his friends for sexual harassment. (you want a written apology for making up lies about you and to give a copy to everyone) You need to report it to your HR department if he doesn't agree and do it now.

Good luck

[michelle23]

yes I would love to report him, but I have no proof? there all going to think I am pathetic. HR will tell me how do you know he said something and then I cannot tell HR I showed a bit of interest (even though I was very subtle and ignored him a lot of the times and no one really witnessed anything).

You dont need proof. You tell HR, since that guy approached you that day, your colleagues started treating you differently, they wolf whistle, joke, stare etc and a lot of them have come on to you.. Tell them you think he made up lies about you but you have no proof but you feel as if your reputation and your self respect has been tarnished and you are making an official complaint

[anonymous_a]

You do not need proof. A man simply whistling at you in the work place, is sexual harassment. Go to HR and explain the situation. I guarantee they will be on your side.

[Amy123]

But I ignored him in front of many people and everyone can see we do not talk. His the one who was at my office with bogus excuses and everyone knew he was hovering around because of me. His the one who attempted to speak to me I did not even bother.

when I ignored him at the big department meeting after that he kept lowering his head and looking at the floor when he would see me.

and when I mean he was chasing me this is what he was doing: he was coming to my office for 2 weeks with bogus excuses, hovering around me, getting friendly with my colleagues, parking his sporty car next to mines in the car park, we kept bumping into each other in the staff room, hallways etc, he initiated conversations few times when he got the chance, he was joking around with his friend to make me laugh, talking about mobile phones with his friend and trying to involve me to get my number I am guessing (but I didn’t say much so he could not ask). I only ever made small talk back.

But since 2 weeks ago I was in an open space book reading and he was walking to the gents instead of continuing to walk he quickly went behind book shelfs opposite me and staid there for a while, he was hiding and watching me. Obviously I looked several times because I know he was hiding behind these shelfs. Then 15 minutes later he comes out from the gents from behind me?

Since then his had his head up all high and mighty and the leering started again. He tries to smile and say hello if we come face to face and I admit I am polite if he is coming behind me I would not shut a door on his face but hold it.

I am scared if I approach him he may laugh at my face and make a joke out of me and report me to HR instead.

But no one has come onto me?,

Should I discuss this with anyone at work, I do not know? I do not want to tell anyone I showed interest in him.

since then even one of my colleague who I got along with has acted differently, His the one that mentioned the guy is a player.

He start to tell me to bring food into work for him, and I was like that is unusual. He kept saying it and I kept saying I did not say I was going to bring you food in and he said OH you will, oh ok....thanks.

Finally when it got to a point and I said bring your own and he said but I like the smell of your food and I said well go and buy some. I have been eating this food for months now and he did not ask before. In between the time he kept asking me for food, I noticed that he had started bitching behind my back, working at pumping up another nasty colleague towards me. I could not believe what my ears were hearing and could not understand why he would say what he said. I thought may be he is just to faced. (he does not know I heard what he said)

But then last week he made it so obvious as he asked me a lot of relationship related questions to check if there was room for him and I made it clear his not my type.

i kind of gathered why he was bitching about me, he was not getting a response so he was getting all arsey about it and started shit stirring and I think he still is.

we were talking about other colleagues with partners looking to settle down and he told me he was ready to settle down and have children, and I turned around and said well you need to find a women first lol. And then he asked about me and I told him what he did not want to hear. I actually felt sick as I would never consider him and saw his as a friend. But some men do stoop low.

Its like he wanted to have me so he can show all the other men look what I got, what you cant have!


Now this is defiantly indirect harassment.

[michelle23]

By rejecting him you bruised his ego and guys like him cant stand rejection or people knowing about it so he prob made up lies to colleagues to save face.

It doesnt matter if you showed interest or not. The point is hes spreading rumors about you and making you look bad to the people you work with. And they are treating you differently because of what he said.

Go straight to HR and report it. Tell them the full story. They will be on your side. They can give them all a warning and get him to take back whatever lies he has said at the v least

[Amy123]

I don't know why I feel scared, like it is all going to comeback on me and I recon my manager will be pissed of but I don't want to tell them because their not very supportive, one is but in some areas and if I tell her she will probably leak it out as she's got a big mouth. Plus because he is a senior post than me, he is a more of an asset to the department and they may be pissed of that I reported him. Also his so friendly with all the senior managers higher up, they may be angry with me for reporting him as his been there 6 years and everyone knows him.

Yes but whatever he told his colleagues he will not deny that to his colleagues, he probably say I am lying and make me look bad or something. I am confused.com. my friends said just ignore it and it will stop when you do not respond to these other men.


I am more worried as to how my team will respond to this, there all men.

May be I should go to HR, gosh I am scared things may get worse at work.

I know I bruised his ego thats why he could not look at my face for a while, but all of a sudden after a few weeks started saying crap again.

what should I do when he says hello to me, that is if we bump into each other, I ma trying my best to not bump into him as I probs want to slap him one when I see his face.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

HR will not be on your side. "I think he said something to people in the office about me", is not grounds to do anything. Not even make a note in a file somewhere. Other people acting differently toward you is not grounds to do anything to him either. He is not responsible for the actions of others. Also, whistling at someone is not sexual harassment.

The only practical advice is to ignore it or find another job. I doubt it will continue for long.

[Amy123]

making noises and whistling does come under sexual harrassment. But yes I felt that as well that I do not have enough grounds to stand on to make a complaint against this guy.

I wanted to leave work anyway so I can progress, but felt that if it was difficult applying outside of my work place I will apply try progress within my department, but now thats gone out of the window.

[michelle23]

What about the friend that called him a player? Y dont you ask him whats going on? If he has lied about you then you will have grounds to complain. You should write all this down in a diary, dates, times etc

[Amy123]

the colleague that told me his a player is the one who tried his luck with me after. I know I did not know this was going to happen so I did not wright it in a diary.

I can try and ask one other person in my office who is the only person that never bitches or bad mouths anyone and see what he says, but am worried I don't want him to mention to anyone I asked. I have seen him sort of laughing when he seen me a few times which is unusual. But in general he is a nice and respectful person. But then again men are men you know if one guy says something bad about a girl they all believe it. silly or he may not want to get involved.

[michelle23]

Is there any women in your office you can talk to? What about the player? Maybe approach him in the canteen when its really busy. Do it in front of everyone. Ask him straight what have you been saying about me, why is everyone here treating me differently since you stalked me outside the toilets? See what he says.

[Amy123]

there is one women, plus the managers are women.
But they may not say anything as they probably don't want to get involved.

Gosh I don't know how he will react and I do not feel comfortable with creating drama at work.

My old line manager whose also not trustworthy may know about this, I ca attempt to ask her if she knows anything see what she says but she may talk back to my line manager.