The "drinks at a bar" dilemma...

[4 ratties]

Buying drinks is fine and innocent in my opinion.
The only thing I would be upset about is him having her phone number. I would be so mad if my bf have his number to some bar rat. If she's got a single friend that needs his number.. I'm sure there's a piece of paper or paper towel that the number could be written on. She shouldn't of given some flirty drunk guy her number while she's in a relationship. Regardless of "who's it for"

[4 ratties]

If you were in a 2+ year relationship and she slept with one guy, that would be the end of it ?
I wouldn't end it if that happened, we would just have a talk about that incident and what she wants us to be in the future.
If you worry about everything she does, what freedom will she have with her friends ?

Wtf so you would just "talk" to your girlfriend and get over it if she slept with someone else? Why don't u just be in an open relationship and u guys can screw whoever u want because u don't sound like u care much about monogamy. People who are dedicated to one partner and one partner only, would never dream of saying what u just said. I don't know u or what your deal is but your comment really upset me. You have no idea obviously how much "sleeping with one person" can hurt a person. It's CHEATING and cheating is ****ing nasty.
And to your last sentence.. He does give her freedom. She went out to a bar to party. And was fine with everything til some drunk idiot texted her.

[confused2207]

After taking a step back and looking at it, I think whats going to happen is that as long as there's no contact with the dude via text/phone call, I can let it go. Now if they talk again I'm going to have a problem with it.

I don't think her sister gave out her number. In fact, I think she gave out her sisters number. I think she knew her single shy sister was interested in one of the guys in the group and the guys may have asked for both numbers and in her drunkenness and trying to hook her sister up she just gave both. I've seen her give her number before when drunk and then just ignores any text/call, much like it seems like she did this time. She has a tendency to be naive when guys aren't 'creepers' in her terms. She thinks it's just friendly. I also have decent reason to believe she gave them a fake last name (read it in her text). However, I do think she knew the guys names, because her sister sent her a text with their names in it. But she didnt put their names in her phone. It was random numbers.

So I'm okay with this situation as long as there is no more contact. But what I do think I'm going to do is let her know for next time they have a girl's night, having conversation and drinks with guys is cool. But it bothers me when they text and call her, and when she is dragged to the dance floor despite saying no earlier in the night. Was the guy probably taking advantage of the fact she was drunk? Yeah. But "I was drunk" isn't an excuse. I've been single before and I know that the later in the night it is, the more touchy feely it gets on the dance floor, and I'm not okay with that. Go out with the girls. Let guys buy you drinks. Have fun and talk and socialize. But don't give out your number. And don't let a guy put his hands on you. If that is jealous and controlling, then I guess I'm that guy. I don't think it's unreasonable.

[michelle23]

No its not unreasonable hun. Most people have boundaries in a relationship. Its totally normal. If she does break your boundaries then you end it-simple.

I think having emotional intelligence means not doing anything you wouldnt be okay with your partner doing or that you know would upset him/her.

You set your own standards and compatability means being with someone who has the same standards.

Im v surprised at kromats post.. Why woud you not walk from someone who hurts you like that? Ill never understand some people-how they can stay with someone who breaks their heart. Id be singing "thesr boots were made for walking and thats just what theyl do" as i fling all his shit out into the garden and id make sure its raining that day too. Then id get my dog to pee on it. I love being evil

[Kromat83]

I'm not saying all the time, just once, it's as if people haven't made mistakes in the past ? I just wouldn't get super angry about it, just if that is what she wants ... the second time it happened, I would know that she just doesn't care, I give people one time to make up, and then I think I will be done, since they couldn't talk about it.
I'm just saying that with all the happy memories over the years, one incident makes it over for you, instead of talking about it afterwards and if it happens again, I would suggest we part ways, as you really no respect for me.
Your all surprised because I can calmly look over a situation, and there's nothing I can do, if it happened.
I could probably leave her after just the first, if the reasons for doing so, is something that I can't give her, or that she's unhappy, then I'd rather just take my chances with someone new.

[horndog]

I'm not saying all the time, just once, it's as if people haven't made mistakes in the past ? I just wouldn't get super angry about it, just if that is what she wants ... the second time it happened, I would know that she just doesn't care, I give people one time to make up, and then I think I will be done, since they couldn't talk about it.
I'm just saying that with all the happy memories over the years, one incident makes it over for you, instead of talking about it afterwards and if it happens again, I would suggest we part ways, as you really no respect for me.
Your all surprised because I can calmly look over a situation, and there's nothing I can do, if it happened.
I could probably leave her after just the first, if the reasons for doing so, is something that I can't give her, or that she's unhappy, then I'd rather just take my chances with someone new.

I totally get where you are coming from. People make mistakes all the time, some bigger than others. Its the behavior after the mistake that needs to be considered more than the behavior that led to the mistake in the first place. There are plenty of long enduring relationships and marriages where people did things that they regret (both sexually and otherwise) that were able to step back and take a rational view of the relationship as a whole and still decide that the relationship is "bigger" than one mistake. I do agree with you that you only get one mulligan though.

The overwhelming trend on this site seems to be propagated mostly from the same small group of people who have a zero tolerance for any behavior in a relationship that crosses the line. That's fine if it works for them as we all each have our own level of tolerance as to what is a deal breaker but most of those people would also toss away a relationship for far less than a sexual mistake and quite possibly over what they only perceive as a mistake that is actually just innocent communication. To hear how some of them snoop and obsess over their mates behavior is crazy.

Anyway, great comments.

[Kromat83]

I wouldn't accept it all that much either, but would talk about what led them to do it, and their explaination would determine if we should continue and try to fix things, or move on.

[michelle23]

The problem I have with that kromat and dog is if you are forgiving of her "mistake", does that mean you would expect to be forgiven too? Okay I'm married 20 years so I have now earned one free pass which I can call "a mistake". I don't think so boys..

Cheating to me ain't a mistake. Its a decision-one in which you know full well will cause huge heartache to your SO which is why I would not forgive or forget it. I'm not a cheat. I know I would never put someone through that pain which is why I KNOW I deserve a man who is just as loyal and faithful as I am.

And people who stay with a cheat is a doormat IMO. What is the point? Its not like your ever gonna trust each other again. Sure on the outside those couples may play happy families and pretend everything is alright but I bet behind closed doors they are miserable. Cheat and its broken.

Plus dog you dont know a thing about other peoples relationships on this forum. You think reading a few of my posts makes you an expert on me and my bf? Grow up. You obviously dont have a clue what boundaries means so I will tell you. Boundaries are standards and expectations you set for yourself. Rules that you do not break. Comparability is about finding someone who has the same standards and expectations for themselves. Rules that they dont break. That way there is nobody telling a spouse what they can or cannot do as they both already mutually agree and share the same morals and values BEFORE they meet each other and become exclusive.

[confused2207]

Not what this thread was originally about but I'll bite....

My problem with taking someone back after a "mistake" is that I've seen it a hundred times. Number one, I know I would be very hard pressed, if ever, to trust my girl to go somewhere without me again. And two, it becomes a game. I would hope I wouldn't do this but I'm only human and love is a powerful thing, so what happens is is that people think it's okay to "even the score." A "you hurt me, now I hurt you, and now we're back to normal." But you aren't because then the original cheater is hurt and wants to get back and does something else. And its a spiral of deceit, breaking trust, and heartbreak and rarely ends well for any party.

[Maple1714]

There is some middle ground here...Michelle makes good points and so do Kromat and Dog.

Cheating is a decision. But, at the same time we are ALL human and can get caught up in a moment, caught up in lust...just caught up sometimes and make a mistake. Cheating is lying essentially and people do have to be in a weak state of mind or overcome with feelings they can't control to cheat...imo. It sucks and can be very hurtful...but at the same time should 2 people throw away their entire relationship b/c of 1 mistake? Not necessarily. I have never physically cheated, but I have emotionally and I was honest about it afterward and I asked my partner for help in moving past my weaknesses. I asked for forgiveness and we moved on. I couldn't live in a lie. That to me is what mattered...not the emotional relationship I had formed with the other person.

Forgiveness is important. I have a couple I am good friends with. They have been through a lot together. Having a child together, separating, cheating..etc. I had a long talk with the Boyfriend last weekend and it was so nice to hear what he had to say about his cheating. He admitted to being very weak around attractive women. Anyway, his conclusion was that he would never go there again and wanted to be a committed father and husband to my friend. It really was a heartfelt conversation and I respected him more afterward. My only comment to him was that moving forward he had to be committed to not making those same poor/weak decisions, b/c if he did he would become that weak person and undeserving of the love my friend gives him. You can mess up once I think, come out of it stronger...but if you keep making the same choices that hurt someone you are a douche.

Some women who comment on this forum are very harsh in their opinions on the topic of cheating and related issues. I get that. But, being a hard ass all the time doesn't make you the strongest woman on the block. Forgiveness goes a long way too. You don't have to be a doormat to move past something. Everyone needs to protect themselves from weak people who will hurt them, but you have to use your own judgement to know when it's the right time to kick someone to the curb or give them another chance. People at their core don't really change, but their behavior/decision making patterns can change.

[Maple1714]

Not what this thread was originally about but I'll bite....

My problem with taking someone back after a "mistake" is that I've seen it a hundred times. Number one, I know I would be very hard pressed, if ever, to trust my girl to go somewhere without me again. And two, it becomes a game. I would hope I wouldn't do this but I'm only human and love is a powerful thing, so what happens is is that people think it's okay to "even the score." A "you hurt me, now I hurt you, and now we're back to normal." But you aren't because then the original cheater is hurt and wants to get back and does something else. And its a spiral of deceit, breaking trust, and heartbreak and rarely ends well for any party.

You're right, forgiveness it's not an easy road...it's probably one of the hardest things we are asked to do...in any circumstance. People can go a lifetime without really forgiving anyone. 2 people have to be extremely honest and emotionally mature to handle moving past physical cheating/lying. Most of the time it's doesn't work out b/c there is just to much pain and hurt egos. But, it can be done....to each their own really.

[Yuna]

I think maybe don't say anything much at this moment until you see her actually reply the guy or if she deletes more msgs from him. I can see why you would be upset since if my bf did the same thing, i would not be exactly happy either. The dancing and drinking part is still acceptable to me (well not if they actually grinded and stuff) BUT i would be a lil iffy if she had actually given him her number. The whole story of her sister giving her number out is.. i dunno. Cuz if i was the sister, i would not give out someone else's number since your gf is clearly taken. Tell her that you're not happy to see another guy having her number and is continuing to msg her, but that you trust her that she knows what she's doing.

[michelle23]

e.Some women who comment on this forum are very harsh in their opinions on the topic of cheating and related issues. I get that. But, being a hard ass all the time doesn't make you the strongest woman on the block. Forgiveness goes a long way too. You don't have to be a doormat to move past something. Everyone needs to protect themselves from weak people who will hurt them, but you have to use your own judgement to know when it's the right time to kick someone to the curb or give them another chance. People at their core don't really change, but their behavior/decision making patterns can change.

Im not trying to prove im strong with my harshness. I am a realistic person and i know for sure I wouldn't be able to forgive. Even if I tried, I can be a horrible b**tch if someone hurts me and I do hold grudges and would even go so far as to seek revenge. That is one of the fundamental reasons why I would not give him a second chance as I would only end up hurting us both more in the long run. Plus I would never trust him again and I believe a relationship is nothing without trust

I know and understand myself very very well and I know it would be a waste of time to take him back because I would lose all respect for him and it would only be a matter of time before I fall out of love for him completely.

[Maple1714]

Im not trying to prove im strong with my harshness. I am a realistic person and i know for sure I wouldn't be able to forgive. Even if I tried, I can be a horrible b**tch if someone hurts me and I do hold grudges and would even go so far as to seek revenge. That is one of the fundamental reasons why I would not give him a second chance as I would only end up hurting us both more in the long run. Plus I would never trust him again and I believe a relationship is nothing without trust

I know and understand myself very very well and I know it would be a waste of time to take him back because I would lose all respect for him and it would only be a matter of time before I fall out of love for him completely.

Yeah, I get it. But, don't you ever want to be able to not hold grudges towards people who have hurt you? To let go of the pain and fully *know* that other peoples actions are never about us? I'm just curious that's why I am asking. I am trying really hard to learn to forgive others...really forgive and not hold grudges...all the while still maintain the strength needed to remove those people from my life. It's a very difficult task.

Btw, I know this is getting off topic a little...just curious what you all think about this.

[horndog]

Some women who comment on this forum are very harsh in their opinions on the topic of cheating and related issues. I get that. But, being a hard ass all the time doesn't make you the strongest woman on the block. Forgiveness goes a long way too. You don't have to be a doormat to move past something. Everyone needs to protect themselves from weak people who will hurt them, but you have to use your own judgement to know when it's the right time to kick someone to the curb or give them another chance. People at their core don't really change, but their behavior/decision making patterns can change.

I have met a lot of women who like to play the part of the "hard ass" but In the end they always have the same thing two things in common. (1).They are all playing the hard ass to mask their insecurities and (2). they all were burned in an earlier relationship and are holding grudges against that guy. They will never admit it but they have allowed that guy and his poor decisions to dictate and determine how they approach all future relationships. Isn't it amazing how much power they give the bad guys and how they use it to diminish the power of the good guys in a relationship? If these people could lean to forgive and move on with their lives they would be so much happier and be in happier relationships. How does one ever feel secure in a relationship when they are always looking around the corner for the next burn. Beats me.