My Dad "Isn't the Biggest Fan" of my Boyfriend

[Adair]

Well, to begin, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and seven months yesterday. He is my best friend, he makes me feel pretty, respects me, has exposed me to so many new things, and above all loves me and all of my flaws. He is my first "real" boyfriend and practically my first everything (e.i. kiss, make out, sex etc.). I am absolutely crazy for him. We hardly ever argue and we communicate very well. We've never had issues with jealousy or controlling behavior. If you can't tell, I'm very, very happy with things. I even still get butterflies when he kisses me by surprise! What distresses me, though, is that my dad doesn't like him. My dad thinks that he has a problem with respecting others and being on their level. What sparked this was when my boyfriend and I went to visit my grandparents, both of which smoke cigarettes, and Kevin thought it was acceptable to whip out his tobacco pipe. My grandparents didn't say anything, but I know my grandma was probably a bit put off. When my dad found out about this, it just added fuel to the fire. I do see my dad's argument though, the BF tends to push the boundary of what is socially acceptable when it comes to age and what to do. (I'm going to talk to him about this) However, I can understand why he acts like this. Growing up, he was surrounded with older men who have had a significant impact on who he is, I think that he's so used to being around that these 60 + aged men that he sees them as his equals, which I guess makes him feel like he's everyone's equal. My BF is a go getter too, so he'll strike up a serious conversation with everyone. The combination can either be taken as really respectable or really disrespectful. My dad seems to think it's disrespectful and that the BF, in short, "is too big for his britches" as the saying goes. My fathers only other argument is "why would you settle for the only boy you've ever had sex with?" -yes he actually said this to me-. Now, girls, I know we're all told we are "naive" but I think that there is a strong possibility that my Kevin could be the one for me. What I feel makes me not naive is that I know the dangers ahead, I realize there is always a possibility that we wont work out or whatever. We're both going to college three hours from each other this fall. It will be a real challenge for us. However, my dad seems to think that I should break up with my BF because I shouldn't settle for just him, but why in the Hell would I just break things off when there "might" be someone out there that would make me just has happy as I already am? It's really insensitive of my father. I just really wish my father would at least stop acting like an ass in front of him, he doesn't even look at him when he's here, let alone talk to him. Ugh. Has anyone else gone through anything like this, and if so, is it fixable?

[smackie9]

I do not agree with how your father has handled this situation....I find his comment about sex is out of line but I do understand his opinion of your BF.

You love him and you are young so you don't think your BF does any wrong and he is misunderstood BUT from a 49 year old's perspective your BF probably is trying to be a big cat and is a bit cocky for his own good. He needs to know his place, and his place is not with the adults....he is still viewed as a kid. Stop making excuses for your BFs behavior....even I don't buy it. It shouldn't matter if he hangs out with a bunch of older men....he should still know how to be respectful around others. If he wants any respect from your dad your needs to readjust that attitude of his plain and simple.

[mr.loner]

i agree with smackie..... it's not that ur BF is wrong its just that he really needs to be humble, especially to your father..

[smackie9]

One thing you can mention to your BF, when he is a guest at anyone's house he needs to know that when you want to do something like lighting up, to show having manners, he should ask if it is alright to light up. IMO those he should have privately talked about your first to see if it would be an issue.

[michelle23]

Does the rest of your family approve of your bf? Is it just your dad who has issues with him?

[Adair]

Thank you for the replies! You've given me some things to think about. Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't make excuses for a behavior that needs adjustment. I'll have to talk with him when he gets back about it. I at least would like him to realize that what he did at my grandparents was not okay and that being a little humble can certainly not hurt. Maybe that will help him come back down to Earth (he wasn't really like this until the start of this summer).

As far as the rest of my family liking him, my mom really enjoys him and thinks he's going places in life. She does share the opinion that I shouldn't settle for my first boyfriend though. My sister is hot and cold with him, some days she really likes him other's she doesn't. And my brothers are indifferent to everyone.

I don't want my dad and him to be best friends, I could never see that in a million years, but I would like a little bit out of both of them. My dad- not to be so harsh about it. BF- Needs to find his place. Maybe I'll be asking too much from my dad, but I think a little bit of each could go a long way, or at the minimum I'll see some improvement.

[LovingDad86]

Maybe get them to do something together and find out a bit more about each other to your dad you are his little girl and always will be. Must be hard for him at times to no longer be seen as the only male figure now in your life.

Luckily for myself I only have a son and years away before I will see him dating but be it right or wrong its a different situation with a son than it is a daughter.

[searock]

its a different situation with a son than it is a daughter.

How so?

[LovingDad86]

A daughter you tend to be more protective of. I know personally if my son came in said he had a girlfriend it would be 'well done son whats she like?' Etc.

If I had a daughter i would be right away questioning this boyfriend in my head and to my daughter.

[Adair]

A daughter you tend to be more protective of. I know personally if my son came in said he had a girlfriend it would be 'well done son whats she like?' Etc.

If I had a daughter i would be right away questioning this boyfriend in my head and to my daughter.

I've noticed this kind of stuff with my dad.

As for them hanging out, as much as I wish it would, it'd never work out. My dad and BF are polar opposites. My father is a big sports guy and my boyfriend is complete gear head. The joke my mom usually tells is that "Usually parents just need to worry about boys and their fast cars, we've got to worry about fast cars, motorcycles, AND airplanes" Plus Kevin has never played a day of competitive athletics in his life, while that's my dad's existence.

[searock]

A daughter you tend to be more protective of. I know personally if my son came in said he had a girlfriend it would be 'well done son whats she like?' Etc.

If I had a daughter i would be right away questioning this boyfriend in my head and to my daughter.

Sexism is so depressing, especially in young people.

[michelle23]

A daughter you tend to be more protective of. I know personally if my son came in said he had a girlfriend it would be 'well done son whats she like?' Etc.

If I had a daughter i would be right away questioning this boyfriend in my head and to my daughter.

I hate this sexist attitude and I am glad you dont have a daughter. If I had a boy and a girl I would be just as protective of both. I would have no problem with either of them dating as long as they are both happy and I would obviously discuss contraception, STDs and pregnancy with both. I would not like either a son or daughter of mine to be promiscuous and I would teach them both the value of relationships and monogamy. I would never marry a man who thinks it should be one rule for his son and another for his daughter. That is one thing I love about my dad-he has never made me feel like I cant make my own decisions and he has never tried to push any bf of mine away. He trusts me to make good choices

[LovingDad86]

Ooh its hardly sexism its a common known fact that many fathers can be over protective of there daughter.

[michelle23]

No its not. I don't know any man who is over protective of his daughter. The media makes it look that way in films but nobody wants an over bearing controlling possessive dad. None of my friends dads ever interrogated a boy she dated nor any of my uncles.. You don't have a daughter so you don't actually know how you would handle it. You may actually trust that you did a good job raising her and that she is capable of making her own decisions just like your son.

[searock]

Ooh its hardly sexism its a common known fact

You do realize that even if it were a common known fact (which it isn't, as michelle correctly pointed out), it wouldn't mean that it's not sexist, right?