Is He Gay?

[Maple1714]

I dated someone years ago for a brief period of time. After we ended things I was left heart broken and confused. We had the best time together, all his friends loved me and we could talk about anything...hours went by like minutes. Then, all of a sudden when I started to put the squeeze on him he got freaked out and vanished. He didn't sleep with anyone or date anyone else for months after we ended things. He told me this himself and so did everyone else. His boss (whom he has known and worked for for 15 years) suggested to a close friend of mine that he might be gay. I am thinking about all of this again b/c he keeps trying to be my friend...and I am again very confused about what he wants from me. He knows I am attracted to him and that I want more than friendship...I have over heard his friends ask him "Why aren't you dating her?" They all love me and the other week when he was hugging me goodbye he said "I love you" to me?? Now, it's been about a month and he has only contacted me once to confide in me about concerns he has for a male friend of ours.

Here's why I am confused -
- He heavily flirts with me at times. Winks at me, finds reasons to touch me, long stares when I am not looking, tells me I am a beautiful woman etc..but at the end of the night we go our separate ways.
- He calls me "baby" & "hun"
- He shows me off to his friends...weirdly...too much. Makes it a point to put me on display.
- Before when we dated he only really every felt comfortable having sex when he was drunk...and it always felt like he was performing rather than letting himself go and being with me in the moment.
- He gossips with me about everything under the sun...still. He loves to gossip.
- He is super sensitive and over thinks everything. He always says "I am just as sensitive as a woman"
- He is totally homophobic, but when he is drunk he will make jokes about himself giving guys blow jobs etc...
- He didn't like "doggy style"...said he wanted to see my face. What straight man doesn't like that position? lol
- He still remembers outfits I wore 3 years ago. I was wearing these pants I wear when I ride my bike the other night, and he said he remembered them and liked them.
- He has a lot of platonic female friends
- One of his closest friends is a 300lb woman
- He was a male model for a short period of time
- He has a lot of deep anger for whatever reasons and is hot headed, throws temper tantrums and gets in fights.
- It's very important to him to seem like a tough guy
- He hasn't really had a long lasting relationship with a woman...just lots of flings. He is 35.
- When we were dating he would come over after work around 3am a lot...I thought for sex? No, he would talk to me about his life and feelings and then fall asleep.
- I was naked in front of him once and he turned me down...I said "I want to have sex" and he said "Maybe this weekend"
- He typ. wanted me to make the first move in bed...he wasn't aggressive.

There are more things I could list, but overall I am confused b/c I have never encountered a heterosexual male who was single, that was willing to turn me down for sex. I have never known a man to spend all the time he does with me and then at the end of the night say goodbye? What is the point? Why does he want to confide in me, find comfort being with me, wont let go of our friendship...flirt with me...but wont F*ck me? I would think that he would in the very least just want sex, but he wants everything but sex. He acts protective and jealous of other guys around me. I know he "loves" me...but like a sister? He told me recently that it's no wonder so many men like me, as he was looking me up and down. I've never had this type of emotional connection with a man who doesn't want to be in a sexual relationship with me. All the components are there...I can intuitively feel that he cares deeply for me and is torn when he is around me. I can feel it....it's like he can't let himself take the leap, but he wants to so badly. I am letting it go b/c it's just not worth the effort anymore, but I wanted to get others opinions on this.

[horndog]

Three possibilities in my mind. he is either just a girlie boy, gay, or a master of screwing with women's heads.

[Maple1714]

Three possibilities in my mind. he is either just a girlie boy, gay, or a master of screwing with women's heads.

I know...I think of those 3 things as well. Whatever the reason(s) it's time for me to cut him out of my life for good. He has thoroughly f-ed with my head more than any other man I have ever met. It's pretty unbelievable actually.

[Rowen]

Textbook closeted gay guy. He acts tough in order to conceal his feelings due to how he feels most of society views gay people. And then when he's drunk, those walls come down, and all that's left are the hidden desires he never had the balls to pursue. I wouldn't become too involved with him ever, if I were in your shoes... It sounds to me like he needs to figure himself out. Of course, I may be completely wrong, but that's just the vibe I'm getting from what you've told me.

[Wakeup]

Maybe he just wants to be your platonic friend. Lots of women think that men can have platonic friends of the opposit sex without wanting to **** them. Maybe he's one of them? Thing is if YOU want more, and he's not giving it to you then yes, by all means cut him out of your life once and for all.

If he's had lots of flings with women, then I'd say if anything, he's incapable of being monogamous for any length of time.. that is a good guess based only on what info you've provided. Perhaps due to his inability to maintain a romantic relationship, he doesn't want to pursue such a thing with you in fear of hurting you (again?)

BTW: Not all men like doggie. Many men like to see a womans face in the throes of orgasm.
He was once a model so fashion is important to him.. hence why he remembered your pants.

I could refute every item you have posted that makes you think he's gay.

[LifeInflux]

Could be a mostly straight guy with some gay tendencies.... sexuality doesn't have to be black and white...

Usually in a situation like this, it may get to the point where he does end up experimenting with other dudes, maybe when he's really drunk... maybe he does it consciously.....

Doesn't mean he doesn't still enjoy the company of women.

[Maple1714]

Maybe he just wants to be your platonic friend. Lots of women think that men can have platonic friends of the opposit sex without wanting to **** them. Maybe he's one of them? Thing is if YOU want more, and he's not giving it to you then yes, by all means cut him out of your life once and for all.

If he's had lots of flings with women, then I'd say if anything, he's incapable of being monogamous for any length of time.. that is a good guess based only on what info you've provided. Perhaps due to his inability to maintain a romantic relationship, he doesn't want to pursue such a thing with you in fear of hurting you (again?)

BTW: Not all men like doggie. Many men like to see a womans face in the throes of orgasm.
He was once a model so fashion is important to him.. hence why he remembered your pants.

I could refute every item you have posted that makes you think he's gay.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess the main reason this whole "gay" idea came into my head was his longtime friend & boss suggested it. But, either way the conclusion is he will never give me more than this...he cares about me, but he just can't go there for whatever reasons. It's just easier for me to think he's gay. My dad always says that any man who turns down sex with an attractive woman is gay...haha. My dad thinks that any man who is seemingly incapable of forming an intimate relationship with a woman is gay. I know sexuality isn't as black and white as that.

It's just all very confusing. I want to talk to him about his actions/words and how they are extremely mixed towards me, but I'm not really looking for anything with anyone at this point in time. He's just someone from my past that resurfaced and got me thinking. Maybe next time I run into him I'll have a discussion with him about everything...but of course I will not bring up the gay thing. I just don't know who goes around throwing out "I Love You's"?? He has never said that to me before. He was hugging me and asking me not to leave..and says that? I left.

I think he's gay

[Wakeup]

If that's what keeps your mind off of fantasizing that you could actually have some form of non dysfunctional relationship with this twat then by all means, believe what it takes. To me, on paper, he just sounds like an asshole. lol.

[Maple1714]

If that's what keeps your mind off of fantasizing that you could actually have some form of non dysfunctional relationship with this twat then by all means, believe what it takes. To me, on paper, he just sounds like an asshole. lol.

Hahaha I think you're right! On second thought, I think the next time I run into him I will just turn the other way.

Why is it easy to give advice to others, but so difficult to follow it myself?

[michelle23]

Im with WU. Whether he is gay or not is not really the issue. If he is straight-there is NO WAY you could ever trust this guy in a serious relationship.

Your 35, not married, no kids.. Is that bcoz you wasted the past ten years drooling over this guy? It is time to get rid of him completely hun before you miss out on a real relationship with someone who wants you 100%. Just think, you could have met mr right ten times over the years but you had your eyes closed scoz you were too busy with this guy. Dont miss any more chances

[Maple1714]

Im with WU. Whether he is gay or not is not really the issue. If he is straight-there is NO WAY you could ever trust this guy in a serious relationship.

Your 35, not married, no kids.. Is that bcoz you wasted the past ten years drooling over this guy? It is time to get rid of him completely hun before you miss out on a real relationship with someone who wants you 100%. Just think, you could have met mr right ten times over the years but you had your eyes closed scoz you were too busy with this guy. Dont miss any more chances

He's 35, im 30. No, I have a child and have been close to marriage...but broke things off. Anyway, yeah I know I wasn't seriously considering this guy for a long term partner etc...I just was confused by his behavior. Sure, I have feelings for him but nothing too crazy. I haven't been intimate with him in years. He just came back around in the past month...he initiated it. So, I hung out wih him 4 times and the above questions were what I was left with. He sucks though, so I'm forgetting him. Thanks for the input everyone.

[Starnique]

Yeah forget him. He's probably gay as you said and either way he's shady.

[Jffs24]

He could just be effeminate, not gay. Did you never have sex? if you did couldn't you tell if he came easily and enjoyed it?

[Maple1714]

He could just be effeminate, not gay. Did you never have sex? if you did couldn't you tell if he came easily and enjoyed it?

Yeah, we had sex...he enjoyed it and it was pretty good...but I always felt he was acting or something. There was a definite difference with sex with him than any other man I've been with. There is always a certain animalistic, heat of the moment, you know hormonal aspect of sex btw a man and a woman. Even if the man doesn't want to make you his wife, there is still that heat of the moment desire. Men get all hot and bothered and can't control their hormones....with him there wasn't ever any of that. He would only want to have sex drunk/high. I've met other women he has slept with and some are not that attractive. Seems like woman are all the same to him. It's more
Important to him to keep our emotional bond there...than physical...and I'm sorry but any man that prefers talking at 3am instead of sex with a beautiful woman is crazy IMO. Anyway, he's off the list.

[Slipsonic]

Im kinda thinking he might be gay but not really know it. Any guy who isnt in a relationship and turns down sex with a naked woman in front of him and says "maybe this weekend" is not hederosexual. Theres no way. Unless some other circumstance is involved, like sickness, recent death of a family memeber etc. It takes something pretty epic for a guy to turn down sex when its just moments away like that. Plus how he jokes about sexual acts with another guy when hes drunk.... just those 2 tell me hes gay. I hope he figures it out, Im sure he would find out that he is happier just being himself.