I Need Guys Advice...

[insecure13]

Hey guys,

I need some insights.

My bf and I been together for 8 years(we live together for about a year and a half or more). Recently, he decided that he wants to split up cuz we were having issues recently. I refused to let him go, but agreed to give him space. So he decided to stay, but cleared to me that he thinks our relationship is hopeless as of right now already and that he's not happy "as of right now". All he says about the negative things is just " as of right now". It hurts, but I'll take it, since he said he really do care a lot about me though his love for me is not the same as it was 2-3 years ago. It was painful. When I was a lil calmed down, I asked him, when he told me that i've been treating him differently, was it bcuz I wasn't touching him and all over him the way i used to these past weeks and he didn't like it that i ignore him? and he said, "I guess so". I thought by me giving him space, leaving him alone is what he wanted, but he didn't like it. I'm soo confused. He wants space and when i ignore him, he doesn't like it. Me ignoring him is literally leaving him alone but I talk to him when he asks me questions or he shows me stuff.

I am very heart broken, but he stayed with me, we said, we'll take it slow day-by-day. We seem back to normal, we talk like we used to about our day, he kisses me when he drops me off in the morning and when he picks me up after. He still spoons me when we go to sleep and gives me a kiss good night (all this without me asking), we take showers together, we eat, cook together, the way we were, literally. Things that we haven't done is we don't have sex (of course, that's understandable) and he doesn't slaps my ass in the morning anymore.

Now i'm really confused. A few days ago, he only says, "As of right now, I really think we should just go our separate ways. Cuz as of right now, I'm not happy anymore. Though what we had over the years was Phenomenal (he told me that I was the best relationship he ever had)". I went to see a therapist, and the therapist told me that to be able to salvage a relationship he needs to know if both parties are willing to do it. So I asked him if he's still on this, and now he says, that I should wait to ask him more later (in the future). So i said, do you think I'll have a positive response from you if i wait? and he said "Maybe", then he cuddles me.

The thing about it is that I think I can't let him go cuz he had promised me before that he's not going anywhere. We've been through soo much stuff over the years, his numerous cheating most especially. And i'm still holding on to that promise of his.

Guys please help me wrap my head around it. Should I just really let him go? Or did he just said those words out of frustration and anger he's feeling at that time but doesn't really mean it 100%?

[Wakeup]

We've been through soo much stuff over the years, his numerous cheating most especially.

Why are you so afraid to be without a man who doesn't really want you?

What was your childhood like that you'd want to continue with this man? Do you have a good relationship with your parents? If you do then talk to them about this and get their guidance. If you don't then switch up the marriage councellor to a personal therapist and speak to them to help you with your fear of being alone and your lack of self-worth.

You don't want a man who doesn't want you. EVER!

[insecure13]

Hi Wakeup!

Thanks for your response. I'm currently seeing a therapist. After we moved in together, and start anew, he has not cheated ever again. I know cuz I'm better than FBI. And that is one of our issues right now. I'm too paranoid. And i don't have a good relationship with my parents.

If he doesn't want me y stay for 8 long years and build a life together? That's what I don't get..

[Wakeup]

My dear... he does want you and he's getting you under his rules... and why should he leave someone who cooks, cleans, screws him and allows him to screw others even though she doesn't want him to? He stays because he can. The question you should be asking is "why do I stay with him when he doesn't value me or our relationship?" Are you familiar with the word codependency? Google "Am I Codependent" and educate yourself on it.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. Have you talked to your therapist about your bf's infidelity and you're fear of leaving him?

I'm no therepist but odds are high that unless he's had his own personal therapy then his next bout of infidelity isn't far off. In fact, If I were a betting gal, I'd bet his current attitude is because he's working on someone new.

I'm sorry, I know what I'm saying isn't what you want to hear. I wish you the strength to leave him and NOT go back.

[LifeInflux]

You're keeping him there through your sadness and his pity, its not going to work. You won't make him want to be with you more by acting the way you're acting.... and asking him to try - try - try - try, isn't going to change that he wants to move on. Relationships end after much longer spans of time than just 8 years. During that time, people can be happy, they can be sad, and they can be neither...

Take solace that this man has woken up to the way he feels.... instead of hurting you constantly. You might not know it now, but he's doing the best thing for you. I've been on the same end as he is.. minus the cheating thing... you can't cry your way to a good relationship.. you'll only make it worse.

Take comfort in your therapist and work on what he has you work on... strike out on your own, and let this guy go. It will never be easy, but nothing worth doing in life is easy. Platitudes ad nauseum

[michelle23]

Hun you should have dumped him the first time he cheated on you. I bet hes cheating right now or working up to it. Your a doormat-he knows he can get away with it and now he has lost all respect for you because you are so dependant on him.

You need to find the strenght to walk away from him and stay in therapy until you realize that you are worth more. What kind of a relationship is it if you have to spy on him like the bloody FBI? Love is NOTHING without trust. You needto grow a backbone. People will treat you the way you allow them to. How you could love him after all the pain he has caused you-i will never understand. I would despise him, i would want him to get hit by a bus. I will never really understand women like you who put up with this crap

you are co-dependant and you need to change.

[JustKat]

Hello there .

What's holding you back after everything he did? I think the best thing to do right now is to give yourself time and space. Don't make decisions without thinking it through. CHEATING is never a mistake, it's a choice. But if you really love him, you'll always find a space in your heart to forgive him. Eight years isn't that easy to let go, but sometimes you have to make him feel what it's like without you. He's probably thinking that you'll be always there for him, and that you love him too much to let go. If he wants his time and space, so be it. But NEVER push him away. Get my drift? What I'm trying to say is try not to get too much clingy. Remember, he NEEDS space, he's not breaking up with you. Just give him the space he wants, if you dont give him that, he'll even drift away from you more. But before doing anything, try to talk to him. Ask him what you relationship is right now, or what's going on with him. Try to understand him, and try to understand each other completely. Try not to keep anything from each other. And, don't let other people write your life's story for you, it's entirely up to you if you'll fix your relationship, or you'll end it. Goodluck <33. And I hope you'll be happy in whatever decision you make.

[Wakeup]

... lol ...

[TablesandChairs]

Keep seeing your therapist; that's a very wise move. Why? Because staying with someone who repeatedly cheated on you is not a sign of a confident, well-adjusted person who knows her worth. What's worse is that he's still not giving you 100%. He's giving you the opposite of that.

Put it this way; if anyone told me that it was over or 'sort of' over, I wouldn't be letting them cuddle me - I would be making plans to move out. He's not quite ready to move on yet but he will be and when he is, you'll be left high and dry. If he wanted to work things out, you'd be seeing a therapist together.

The moral of the story is that you can't force people to feel the same way about you as you do about them...all the begging, pleading and good behavior in the world isn't going to change that.

[michelle23]

Hello there .

What's holding you back after everything he did? I think the best thing to do right now is to give yourself time and space. Don't make decisions without thinking it through. CHEATING is never a mistake, it's a choice. But if you really love him, you'll always find a space in your heart to forgive him. Eight years isn't that easy to let go, but sometimes you have to make him feel what it's like without you. He's probably thinking that you'll be always there for him, and that you love him too much to let go. If he wants his time and space, so be it. But NEVER push him away. Get my drift? What I'm trying to say is try not to get too much clingy. Remember, he NEEDS space, he's not breaking up with you. Just give him the space he wants, if you dont give him that, he'll even drift away from you more. But before doing anything, try to talk to him. Ask him what you relationship is right now, or what's going on with him. Try to understand him, and try to understand each other completely. Try not to keep anything from each other. And, don't let other people write your life's story for you, it's entirely up to you if you'll fix your relationship, or you'll end it. Goodluck <33. And I hope you'll be happy in whatever decision you make.

You should also see a therapist for your co-dependency

[JustKat]

Well, Everybody deserves a second chance. And eight years is not that easy to let go.

[JayGatz]

I had a similar situation with a girl I was off and on with for the last four years. She's packing for college now and leaving in 12 days. I've been on the road touring with my band since school let out and I never thought I'd get over her. I'm still not, but I on the road I've met so many people. People I had never even fathomed. They come and go out of my life everyday, almost all of them l I will never see again and its so sad, but tomorrow is always a new day and with it comes an adventure you can make whatever you want it to be. My point is, the world is such a big place and there are people out there beyond our mind's comprehension. The world holds more people, places, things and ideas than that of our wildest dreams. I think it's time to move on and see what the world has to offer. Everything you've dreamed about in a guy is out there and more. Take comfort in that. Whatever you decide to do, i wish the best for you.

[michelle23]

Well, Everybody deserves a second chance. And eight years is not that easy to let go.

Lol maybe.. But a third, fourth, fifth.... Tenth... I dont think so..
Plus he doesnt even want her. He tried to dump her. SMH

[JustKat]

I'll agree with you with that one. Lol. That makes him stupid then. He's letting a girl like her go for his pleasure.

[TAEHSAEN]

Maybe he's just too embarrassed to ask you for, but have you tried re-igniting your sex life again?

I know that sexual frustration may lead to an unhappy marriage.