Do you believe in monogamy?

[HeartIsAching]

one thing i hate is double standards.

Oh no you don't. You love your double-standards, as long as they're in favor of females.

[yep]

I'd prefer it in the beginning, but would end up regretting in the end.

[Wakeup]

It's interesting that most people are quite possessive of their partners (in so far as wanting exclusivity and becoming quite jealous at the thought of them wanting or being with someone else) - this is a pretty universal trait so I'm quite curious as to how poly couples avoid this.

With "Compersion":
This is how wiki discribes it:

Compersion is an empathetic state of happiness and joy experienced when another individual experiences happiness and joy. It is sometimes identified with parents' pride in their children's accomplishments or one's own excitement for friends' and others' successes. It is commonly used to describe when a person experiences positive feelings when a lover is enjoying another relationship. It is an opposite of jealousy.

From what I've read, they do get jealous but strive for that state of compersion when their partner take on a new lover, however; they use that jealous energy when/if it occurs to fuel their own desire for one another. Eventually, there is no more jealousy and they all enjoy one another without possessive thoughts.

[anonymous_a]

I've always done monogamous COMMITTED relationships, however I have also been in many situations where I had been casually dating someone, and we were not physically exclusive. I am the type (judge me or not, I don't care) who enjoys one night stands. If two people are consenting, and have great chemistry, but are not in search of anything serious, then I have no problems with one night stands. That being said, I have casually dated people where we acted like a couple, went on dates, spent the majority of our time together, but never actually referred to each other as "boyfriend/girlfriend" and we were both doing our own thing outside of the "relationship" (having one night stands, or going on other dates).

These types of relationships did not last, nor have they have ever lasted longer than any committed relationship I have ever been in, and I think this is for obvious reasons. At the same time, when I was in these non committed "relationships" I never asked what the other person was doing, and just hoped that they weren't doing what I was doing. Of course that is selfish of me, and of course I would feel jealous if they ever admitted it to me, but it was always a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" situation. Again, none of these types of relationships have ever lasted, and for good reason.

I don't think I could be in an actual polyamory relationship, as I would be too jealous, although I can't say I would never try it.

[Wakeup]

I've always done monogamous COMMITTED relationships, however I have also been in many situations where I had been casually dating someone, and we were not physically exclusive. I am the type (judge me or not, I don't care) who enjoys one night stands. If two people are consenting, and have great chemistry, but are not in search of anything serious, then I have no problems with one night stands. That being said, I have casually dated people where we acted like a couple, went on dates, spent the majority of our time together, but never actually referred to each other as "boyfriend/girlfriend" and we were both doing our own thing outside of the "relationship" (having one night stands, or going on other dates).

Then you're not really monogamous by nature. (I don't believe monogamy refers to when you are in a commited relationship or you are not. It doesn't have much to do with the dynamics of the union but rather the belief in the monogamous dynamic itself) You enjoy more then one sexual partner at a time. Monogamous people usually can't even stomach the thought of having more then one sexual mate at a time. Am I wrong here? That's my understanding anyway.

These types of relationships did not last, nor have they have ever lasted longer than any committed relationship I have ever been in, and I think this is for obvious reasons. At the same time, when I was in these non committed "relationships" I never asked what the other person was doing, and just hoped that they weren't doing what I was doing. Of course that is selfish of me, and of course I would feel jealous if they ever admitted it to me, but it was always a kind of "don't ask, don't tell" situation. Again, none of these types of relationships have ever lasted, and for good reason.

And that ^^^ right there is why you ask for sexual exclusivity and if it's denied and you're monogamous and wish to be with someone who thinks the same way as you, then you know to stop seeing that person.

I don't think I could be in an actual polyamory relationship, as I would be too jealous, although I can't say I would never try it.

You wild one you .... and another indication that you are not 100% monogamous in nature.

[anonymous_a]

Then you're not reall monogamous by nature. You enjoy more then one sexual partner at a time. Monogamous people usually can't even stomach the thought of having more then one sexual mate at a time.

I wouldn't say I always enjoy more than one sexual partner at a time. I more so, just enjoy sex lol. Based on my own experiences, every time I have been in a casual relationship, we weren't always having steady sex. Some weeks we would have sex 6 times in that week, or some weeks we'd only have sex once or twice in that week, or maybe we would even go 2 weeks without, but still be hanging out as often as possible. If I'm going out with friends on one of those weeks where I haven't had sex in 2 weeks, then I may find it intriguing to take someone home with me.

It may also be as simple as I just didn't care enough about those people to stay monogamous! I am in a committed relationship now, where I would never cheat, and we've been together almost 2 years. I have also been in a 3 year relationship, where I never cheated. In the first relationship, I never had a desire to cheat, but I did go a bit boy crazy when we broke up. With my current boyfriend, I did come close to cheating (blue eyes, if you recall), however I DO love my bf enough to have come to the realization, that I do not want anyone else, so I broke off that "friendship." It helps that we have sex on the regular, but even during times where we've gone days sometimes a couple weeks without sex (not very often) I never wanted it from anyone else. Like I said, it could just be as simple as me not caring enough for those past individuals, to stay monogamous, but who knows.

If it ever reaches the point in my current relationship that I no longer want to stay monogamous with him, then I would break up with him, because I know that is all he wants. If we ever got to a point where we stopped having sex "just because" then I would also probably leave, because clearly there is something wrong in the relationship, if we cannot be intimate with eachother anymore.

Again, I'm not saying I would never TRY a polyamory relationship, but I don't think it would last simply because I AM selfish, and I DO like attention, and I don't know that I would like my SO giving his attention else where. But at the same time, I would have attention coming from multiple partners as well, so who knows lol.

[Hightower]

If anyone is enough of a short sighted dumbass to read "da fuq" and determine based on that alone "oh the content of this post is invalid no matter what the poster is actually saying" then their opinions mean nothing to me. As for it being very possible for someone to get hurt, how is that any less true of a monogamous relationship? For that matter, how is "there's always one person who wants to do it a little bit more than the other one" any less true of a monogamy?

Trust me, proper grammar, even on a site like this will make people take you more serious.

But back to the question, eventually someone is going to get hurt in an open relationship. Both parties might say they don't "care" about the other one sleeping with someone but eventually your dignity catches up with you and you do care. Or, the person that you are sleeping with falls for you. Eventually, that will happen. Not saying in a monogamous relationship you can't get hurt, but for starters you aren't intentionally sleeping around.

[Wakeup]

Trust me, proper grammar, even on a site like this will make people take you more serious.

Well, it will may YOU take him more serious anyway, O.o

But back to the question, eventually someone is going to get hurt in an open relationship.

as per your personal opinion. There are thousands of couples who, when they abide by the mutually agreed to rules, do not get hurt. There are thousands of monogamous people who eventually get hurt as well so your point isn't really one.

Both parties might say they don't "care" about the other one sleeping with someone but eventually your dignity catches up with you and you do care.

Have you experience in open relationship? Is this what personally happend to you? (serious question)

Or, the person that you are sleeping with falls for you. Eventually, that will happen.

And that is what polyamory is about. Open relationships are not the same as polyamory.
Polyamory is more about the love of more then one sexual partner and it's not just about sex.

Not saying in a monogamous relationship you can't get hurt, but for starters you aren't intentionally sleeping around.

In polyamory, you are not "intentionally sleeping around either" If you read about it, you will see that partners are picked by both the man and the woman, agreed to and no relationship will be formed unless everyone is on the same page.

[Hightower]

Well, it will may YOU take him more serious anyway, O.o

as per your personal opinion. There are thousands of couples who, when they abide by the mutually agreed to rules, do not get hurt. There are thousands of monogamous people who eventually get hurt as well so your point isn't really one.

Have you experience in open relationship? Is this what personally happend to you? (serious question)

And that is what polyamory is about. Open relationships are not the same as polyamory.
Polyamory is more about the love of more then one sexual partner and it's not just about sex.

In polyamory, you are not "intentionally sleeping around either" If you read about it, you will see that partners are picked by both the man and the woman, agreed to and no relationship will be formed unless everyone is on the same page.

Put it this way, if you respect your partner the last thing you do is have an open relationship. I guess this has worked for you? But no partner worth their salt would be okay with the other one having sex with another person................unless this person doesn't love their partner truly or is together with them for the wrong reasons. Bottom line is this, open relationships are not intended for serious couples. That's the truth even if people don't want to hear it. It is only for fairweather relationships that aren't all that serious in the first place. I've been in love and I've been with someone who I probably wouldn't have cared had they gone out with another person. Guess which one I'm married to?

[Cerby]

Put it this way, if you respect your partner the last thing you do is have an open relationship.

This statement I could not disagree more with. My current partner and I have grey lines all over the place with "monogamy", but we have also met some couples in our adventures who are 100% open and have multiple partners. One of these couples has been married for several years and love each other without question, they just have a emotional disconnect of sorts when they're with someone else. It is literally just about the sex and the fantasy of multiple partners.

[Cerby]

To the main topic, here is how I see it, and having been in both strict monogamous relationships and ones where individual and group play are allowed, I think this sums it up the best I can:

Sexual relationships are much like pizza. Many people like pizza, probably more than don't, but that doesn't mean humans are genetically or biologically disposed towards pizza. It is one of the more common, delicious, and readily available foods when looking for something to eat, so people settle for it, and they're happy with it.

Do they judge people who don't like pizza? Sometimes, but it is pretty narrow-minded to judge someone else just because they don't understand a love for pizza like you do. They in turn like something else, possibly something you don't like. It doesn't make them a freak, or someone who doesn't value your idea of a bond with pizza, pizza just isn't for them. In an open relationship, if you're predisposed towards monogamy, then of course you're not going to understand polyamory or a straight open relationship, because you have different emotional needs behind your sexual encounters. It is a situation where you need to find what works for you, and leave everyone else alone.

[Hightower]

This statement I could not disagree more with. My current partner and I have grey lines all over the place with "monogamy", but we have also met some couples in our adventures who are 100% open and have multiple partners. One of these couples has been married for several years and love each other without question, they just have a emotional disconnect of sorts when they're with someone else. It is literally just about the sex and the fantasy of multiple partners.

Except you don't know what happens behind closed doors with that couple. Is there bitterness and resentment that the one person has never spoken about? No one is going to put their worst face forward in front of another couple. This couple probably just simply lost the respect of each other or else they wouldn't venture elsewhere for sex, that's the meat and potatoes of this all. If you have a great partner that satisfies your needs you don't wander, plain and simple. If your partner does NOT satisfy your needs then your relationship is in trouble to start with and won't improve with sleeping around.

Think about the person you've loved the most in your life. Now think about some guy going to town on her and knowing her in a way that only you do. If you have no problem with that, then you have lost respect for your partner, plain and simple. I prefer to appreciate what I have, and share it only with each other.

[Cerby]

I prefer to appreciate what I have, and share it only with each other.

Exactly, so you assume that because this is how you feel, that it is how everyone should feel. Your entire post is based on your perception of what makes a good relationship, so much so that you have to assume that the people I described have problems without me giving any such indication. Unfortunately this is the problem with your argument - you have assumed that there is only one correct view - yours. It means that you're not open to further thought, and just assume that everyone who disagrees is ignorant to your reality, or plain wrong.

[smackie9]

^^ I'll suggest that whoever comes in with "actual facts" doesn't use Oxytocin as proof that people are meant to be monogamous. It's a bonding chemical that is released during orgasm and released during breast feeding to help a mother and child bond so its going to be able to bond you to more then one person at one time.

I did read where Oxy is released during attempts at pair bonding. That doesn't mean it stops being released in our bodies during polyous bonding though.

I've said it before in these types of threads... there are very few species that actually are monogamous. They may pair up for life ~ LIFEmates... but DNA studies have concluded that Mr. LIFEmate has gone out and fathered offspring with a different partner. Now, I guess you could call THAT cheating since I doubt he asked his lifemate for permission.

We've had this argument with Michelle before.....the genes don't lie, men and women will stray to have sex with others instinctively. Most of us have control over our behavior, but it doesn't mean the desire isn't there.

[toknow]

Variety is a misconception - the only variety is your true love, the rest are just the same.